Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Foreign.
[00:00:05] Hi there, it's Tracy. And welcome back to flirting after 40.
[00:00:09] I owe you guys an apology. I did not record last week.
[00:00:14] I was just feeling a little overwhelmed, uninspired. I don't know, I've kind of been thinking about this podcast and where I would like to take it or if I should go back. Like, should I go to, like, twice a month instead of every week? Should I go to once a month and have more content?
[00:00:39] Just feeling a little, like, a little stuck in this.
[00:00:46] And for me, this podcast is to bring. I mean, it brings me joy, but to bring joy and to make listeners feel like, you know, you guys aren't alone and to really create that community.
[00:01:01] And I haven't done. I feel like.
[00:01:06] I feel like I haven't been super focused in the last, I don't know, month or two, but I do owe you guys an update. And I don't know, I don't even know what to say about it because I'm still, like. I didn't want to. To talk about this because.
[00:01:27] Because I'm uncertain.
[00:01:31] So. J, man, I would say probably, I don't know, six weeks ago, after.
[00:01:41] Anyways, he reached out.
[00:01:46] Well, actually, I reached out. Let's be clear. I had sent him a text because there's a band playing at Red Rocks that I thought he would like. So I just was like, I hope you're going.
[00:01:57] It just was a nice. Like, I hope. I hope you saw they're playing I hope you're going.
[00:02:02] And we texted back for a little bit, a little bit back and forth, but nothing. Nothing big.
[00:02:11] And then that evening, he asked if I wanted to grab a drink. And I originally said no.
[00:02:16] And then I was like, tracy, it's like six o' clock on a Friday. What the fuck are you doing? Like, just go have a drink and walk into the bar restaurant that I'm meeting him at and grab a drink. He comes in and he sits down and he immediately starts talking about work.
[00:02:36] And I was like, please kill me now. This is why we're not together. Like, I'm just gonna let him, like, talk. I'm gonna finish my glass of wine, and I'm out. Like, it was just like, okay, confirmation. Like, this.
[00:02:49] It's not what I want.
[00:02:53] And then something happened.
[00:02:55] He.
[00:02:57] He was like, oh, my God, I just sat down and talked to you about work for 10 minutes. And you could, like, you don't give a shit. Like, and like, wow, I really do default to that.
[00:03:09] And I said, yeah, I mean, you do. I mean, it's not that I don't give. That I, I don't give a shit, but his comfort is. And his safety net is talking about his work.
[00:03:25] And so I didn't have a lot to like, share, you know, it was just kind of like, what's going on? And nothing had really changed in my life. Like, I don't know, like, everything's kind of the same and anyways. And then he launches in to kind of putting me in my place or kind of sharing his perspective of how shitty I was breaking up with him via text and how cowardly I was.
[00:03:56] And I was like, finally, finally this man has some balls. Like, finally he's sticking up for himself and he's got an opinion. And I was so.
[00:04:10] It's. It probably sounds funny, but I was so excited for that reaction that he, like, it showed me he cared.
[00:04:22] And that was part of like, the fights and things we were fighting about because I was like, I don't feel like you fight and I don't feel like you care. And so from there we.
[00:04:39] I. I'm like, I was just like intrigued. I was like, I. Okay, I am like now. I'm like, I like this version. I like this guy.
[00:04:48] So I said something like, well, we should maybe go on a second date. And he was like, I didn't realize this was a date. And it got like, we. We just kind of started talking and, and talking more about, without a filter, about things that we were unhappy with in our relationship.
[00:05:08] And anyways, he ended up coming over and I.
[00:05:14] And he was like, I want to know. I want to know everything. Like, I want to know what you, what you think.
[00:05:19] And we got to the point of like, nitty gritty, of like me even to the. I can't believe this. But like, saying like, I don't necessarily like how he dresses.
[00:05:32] Not that it's my. I don't, I don't get to say over it. I don't want to say over. I don't want to change him, but I don't find the khakis hot.
[00:05:40] And he laughed at me. He was like, that's like, that's where you're going with this. And I was like, well, I feel like that's like a.
[00:05:48] I mean, I'm. I think a lot of men could take any kind of judgment, harsh, harshly, and take it to, you know, take it to heart and be very defensive. But the thing is, he wasn't defensive and he listened and responded and kind of was like, very solution based.
[00:06:11] Anyways, so we're dating and I, I didn't want to share because I feel like it's so wishy washy, like I'm like, oh, we're together, we're broken up, we're together, we're broken up. And I feel like a, like 16 year old girl that like can't make up her mind and can't get her together. And I don't like that, I don't like that feeling.
[00:06:38] So I, I, I, I am hesitant to share this and I'm, and I don't know why, I don't know because I feel like everybody is so supportive and everybody who listens and knows my story just wants me to be happy.
[00:06:53] You know, A lot of my friends here are very supportive of it. Nobody's been like, man, you should just like get rid of that fucking dude.
[00:07:02] But you know, there is a lot of me that is still cautious and you know when I talked about that feeling where like something doesn't feel right, I'm saying I still have part of that feeling. I feel like it's quieter, but I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling. I don't know what, like if my past relationships, if that's all just like dopamine and like this thrill and now that I have someone that is very safe and stable and supportive and loving, this is the thing I challenge with. Like, is that enough for me or, or am I supposed to feel a certain way? Am I supposed to feel like I just want to spend all my time with this person or that I like, okay, I'm, I would do anything for them.
[00:08:07] Like we've been almost dating. I mean like, and, and it's up and on and off, but like in July, it's a year. Like, at what point should you know that this is your person?
[00:08:25] And I think that's where I'm struggling.
[00:08:29] And I don't know, like it, it's not something really that I don't, that I could talk to him about. I mean, I'm sure I could and I probably should, but like, how do you know?
[00:08:44] So, yeah, I'm just a little gun shy. I'm also in this phase where I kind. Okay, and I have not said this either, but like, I kind of don't want to date for like a year. Like a challenge, like not a challenge, but I'm really enjoying my alone time. I'm really enjoying my work.
[00:09:12] I, I'm creating some other products and other businesses that have me super motivated and super happy and excited.
[00:09:22] That part of me, I was also kind of, like, well, I would rather be doing that, but. And when I say rather, I don't know, like, I don't think of it like him or that, but I don't know, like, you. We give up our time to people that we're dating or relationships with, and we sacrifice something for that.
[00:09:48] And I would like to hope that it's worth it, but I am. I'm a little. I'm. I'm just a little. A little scared still.
[00:09:59] He has a ton of travel coming up this summer, and, like, it keeps changing for work. And at first it's like, I'm gonna be gone the entire summer. Now it's like, well, maybe just July and part of June. And it makes it hard to make plans. It makes me hard to feel, like, not worry. Um, because the last time he left for work was really bad.
[00:10:28] Um, so I'm just telling you guys as an update, I'm. I'm really trying to focus my energy around myself and not him.
[00:10:43] Um, and that's probably a little bit of me being particular protective as well as also being in a really happy place with where I am.
[00:10:55] So I welcome. I do welcome feedback. Because I wonder about that feeling and I wonder, like, people that are married, if you wake up and you still are, like. Yeah. Like, even.
[00:11:10] Even though things aren't perfect, this is. This is totally my person.
[00:11:14] I've known. This is supposed to be my person. Like, I met this person and I knew this is what I wanted in my life because I feel like I have something. I have what I've asked for.
[00:11:30] And I am at moments, trying to convince myself that, like, this is good. And it. I'm probably like. I feel like I'm talking in circles because it is good.
[00:11:43] Um, and it's safe, and he's amazing, and he loves me, and we're talking through things now. I feel like we've got a much more open relationship as far as, like, just talking through challenges and stuff.
[00:11:59] And there's always. I mean, I think in any relationship, there's always going to be something that, you know, you're like, I just.
[00:12:04] This bothers me that this person does it. There's some of that.
[00:12:08] Um, and I don't think he's gonna change. Um, he really does question. Like, he. He wants to be right, and he wants to be right all the time. I feel like, um.
[00:12:30] And there are times when I know I am right, and that really bothers me. There are things that I know that I know he doesn't know. And for him to kind of like, draw a line in the sand and push against it really doesn't set well with me.
[00:12:49] But we're, we're talking about them now. Just because we're talking about it, it doesn't mean that it makes it okay. It, it makes it so we're able to express our opinions and I can discuss my frustrations and I'm not hanging on to it, but there's still part of me that is worried.
[00:13:12] So that's where I am. That's why I haven't been really talking about dating, because I haven't been. I've been seeing him.
[00:13:22] And it also, you know, this podcast kind of revolves around me dating or talking about dating or love and things like that. And it's very true that when I'm in, like, based on this relationship, I am not in a place where I feel like I have a lot to share right now.
[00:13:48] And that's, you know, a little bit of probably why I missed last Wednesday.
[00:13:56] A recording last Wednesday. And, and yeah, so I welcome feedback because I also don't want to waste my time or his time and I want to be able to have those conversations. So anyways, that's my J Man update for you guys.
[00:14:24] I.
[00:14:26] I was online and I saw this and I thought I would share it with you guys because it's, it feels pretty spot on to me.
[00:14:33] My, you know, you guys have. I've been talking about my son and how he dates or his date, his 8th grade dating and stuff like that. And now he's single and there's definitely all these girls at school that really like him and he's like, I don't like them. But then he's like, o, maybe I like them.
[00:14:53] But. And I don't know if the, I mean, this all feels like it's, it's fact based to me. But think back to what it was like dating when you were in school or, you know, high school, college, whatever. For me, I graduated from high school in 1998 and I have very vivid memories of dating.
[00:15:20] So there was this, this post I saw, it says, teen dating in 2026 does not look like 1999. So I was like, okay, I'm like a year behind. Here's the way. Here are 10 ways it has changed.
[00:15:34] This is fascinating. So bear with me.
[00:15:37] Number one, teens are dating less. Fewer teens are in relationships than a generation ago. Less dating doesn't mean less complexity. It means more of it is happening in undefined, ambiguous spaces.
[00:15:53] Okay, that, that makes sense to me.
[00:15:56] Number two, the sex rates have dropped in 1991, 54% of high schoolers reported having had sex. Today, it's closer to 30%.
[00:16:06] That's not the worst news. But sexual pressure hasn't disappeared. It's moved online to their phone and to their phones.
[00:16:14] I'm kind of glad it's dropped. And I, I, I see that. And they, like, with the kids these days, like, I feel like my generation was so, like, that was such like a. There was so much pressure around that and like a status symbol almost.
[00:16:34] I don't know. So I'm glad. I'm glad.
[00:16:36] Number three, more teens identify as LGBTQ plus. Nearly 20, 28% of Gen Z's identify as LGBTQ BTQ plus compared to 4% of baby boomers.
[00:16:51] That's fascinating.
[00:16:52] The parents of a teen today.
[00:16:56] The parent of a teen today is far more likely to have an LGBTQ plus child than their own parents were. Expressing acceptance before they have to ask or guess matters. That's awesome.
[00:17:11] Number four, the relationships never turn off. This one blew my mind.
[00:17:16] 85% of teens expect to hear from their partner daily.
[00:17:21] 88% say their partner expects the same. In 1999, you went home and it paused. Now it follows them everywhere. I'm like, oh, my God, how true is that? Like, my son, I could feel the pressure. Like, he gets a text and like, or somebody calls him and he feels this need to immediately respond instead of giving things time or thinking about things. And, like, if you don't respond quickly, like, you're, that's, like, highly frowned upon. I mean, I feel like that even dating now as an adult, like, you don't have the piece to step away and process.
[00:18:02] Okay. Number five, flirting moved online. 72% of teens spend time with the romantic interest online before ever meeting in person. The relationship can be months, months deep before they've been in the same room.
[00:18:17] That does this doesn't mean it's not important.
[00:18:20] Like, I don't know.
[00:18:24] I don't like that. Like, I, I always felt like dating. Like, I wanted to meet the person as soon as possible to see if there is, like, that connection when you're in person.
[00:18:37] Number six, conflict doesn't end. It circulates. A fight used to end when someone hung up the phone. Remember, like, smashing the phone. Oh, my God, that feeling.
[00:18:46] I miss that feeling now. It lives in a thread, gets reread, screenshotted, or sent to someone else. It never really closes. And I'm like, oh, my God. No wonder healing is so hard these days. Like, you can't. You can, like, screenshot. Like, I've. I've screenshotted conversations I've had, and, like, you look back at them and, like, you analyze them, and you're like, it never stops. It's never. Like, you can continually repeat, replay, repeat these fights or these things.
[00:19:20] Oh, my gosh, it's horrible. Okay, number seven, the relationship is public. There was no Instagram official in 1999, so 69% of teens agree that too many people could see what is happening in the relationship. Privacy is hard to find, and first relationships can be messy. It's hard to have so much input.
[00:19:41] Oh, I feel it, you guys. Like, I mean, shit, I'm the one that has a podcast, so I'm like, I'm not putting myself in that bucket. But, Yeah, it's a real. I don't know. I just.
[00:19:57] I'm grateful for when I grew up, and I'm. This makes me a little terrified for.
[00:20:02] For my kids.
[00:20:04] Number eight. Comparison is constant. They are not comparing their relationship to what they see around them. They are comparing it to every curated couple online, a lot of whom are much older. That gap does real damage to real relationships.
[00:20:20] Yeah, like, I don't know. I mean, and online relationships are glorified, perfect. Online families are perfect. The weddings are perfect. It's the perfect pictures. It's. It's exhausting. And, like, you look at that and then you think about your relationship and you're like, fuck. Like, I'm totally fucking up.
[00:20:42] Okay. Number nine.
[00:20:44] Monitoring is a new form of control.
[00:20:47] This one I found fascinating, too. Demanding passwords, checking locations, needing constant contact.
[00:20:54] Electronic monitoring is now recognized as a form of dating aggression. Control looks different now and can be more hidden.
[00:21:05] I'm like, oh, my God. And I know I've like, Like, I. I will say, like, I've had moments where I'm like, well, why can't. Like, not anytime in the last probably 10 years, but, like, why can't I see your phone? Like, what are you hiding?
[00:21:25] Where? You know, back in the day, like, you wouldn't be like, let me go through your journal or read your journal or, let me go through your dresser. Like, I. I definitely took this one to heart. And, like, the needing of constant contact, like, it's exhausting.
[00:21:47] Like, what if you went away for a weekend and you didn't have contact with your spouse, your boyfriend, your whoever you're dating? Like, would that be okay?
[00:21:57] I feel like it probably wouldn't.
[00:22:04] Oh, and somehow I didn't. Screenshot number 10.
[00:22:08] So we're ending with number 9. But like you guys, like that is, that's a lot of pressure.
[00:22:16] And I, I, I'm going to, I'm going to try to remember to talk to my sons about that because it's just, it's just things that we didn't have to deal with. And it gave me, yeah, it gave me a better appreciation of the challenges that they're going to be facing, um, and that the world is facing moving forward, even, you know, in our friendships and relationships. So, yeah, give it some thought. Okay. I know I'm almost at time, so I'm gonna just give you like a two, two or three really funnies very quickly.
[00:22:59] One, this guy's screen name or dating profile name, I would guess lick a lot of puss, but he's into thrifting, so it's got that going for him.
[00:23:22] I might have to post this guy's picture. But Joe, he's 40. He's just looking for that thirsty thou you always hear about on Tinder.
[00:23:32] Looking to put out that fire you got down there.
[00:23:36] I'm chill, decent looking, willing to be discreet.
[00:23:40] Thanks, Joe.
[00:23:42] Gross.
[00:23:44] And then this one, which is really funny and it's, it's, it's on one of those Facebook pages about dating. But this guy, it's like your selfies, you're doing them wrong. And you know what I'm talking about. The guy has his camera in front of his face. Taking a picture in a mirror where you can't see his face. All you see is the back of his camera.
[00:24:08] Dude, it's not a selfie if you can't see your face.
[00:24:15] So ridiculous. Anyways, yeah, you guys let me know what you think and I'll keep you posted on the, on the JMAN updates as, as things progress. But I, I really want to be providing what you guys are looking for as well. So I would love, I would love any feedback. I would really appreciate it. So have an amazing week and I will talk to you next, next week. Thanks everybody.
