Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Foreign.
[00:00:05] Hi there, it's Tracy. And welcome back to flirting after 40.
[00:00:11] You know, after last week, I. I was thinking, gosh, I feel like every week I'm like, oh, it's been a week.
[00:00:19] I feel like I say that every week.
[00:00:23] It's been a week, it's been a day. It's.
[00:00:26] I wish. I don't know. I'm excited. And you guys will be the first to know when I am, like, it's been an amazing week or nothing crazy's happened and, like, nothing. I mean, life happens and life isn't usually easy. So, yeah, it's been a week.
[00:00:50] It's been a day, especially.
[00:00:52] And I knew today, like, I was going to record tonight, and I just didn't quite imagine the day would go the way it did. So back when I was younger and most of us that are 40 or over, like, we didn't celebrate every milestone.
[00:01:14] I mean, maybe we did and we don't remember it. I don't know. But I don't feel like we celebrated the transition between elementary and middle school or middle school and high school. Like, I feel like maybe we had, like, kindergarten graduation and then that was it.
[00:01:32] But now there is.
[00:01:35] And I always mix up the word continue continuations. I don't know, graduations between schools.
[00:01:44] And at first, I like, when my oldest had the.
[00:01:53] The crossover from elementary to middle school, I was like, this seems like, a little excessive, like a party for.
[00:02:03] For that. But honestly, I really, I really like it as a parent. It's kind of this, like, reflection back.
[00:02:12] And I also think it helps the kids reflect back and then look forward and, like, look forward to what you have.
[00:02:20] And no, it's not as, like, exciting and celebratory as a high school graduation, but there are these milestones that I think are really kind of fun to celebrate.
[00:02:34] And so my son is.
[00:02:41] Today was his last day of eighth grade, and he will be a freshman next year.
[00:02:48] That's a big deal.
[00:02:50] It's a big deal that we survived middle school, and it's a big deal that he's going to be in high school. And it's this reminder also, like, you have your future ahead of you and make good decisions and be a good person and.
[00:03:06] And to reflect back what was successful in middle school and wasn't. And I. I love this. I love, I love this idea.
[00:03:19] So today was his continuation.
[00:03:25] I'm just gonna say graduation, you guys, because I can't figure out the word.
[00:03:31] Today was his graduation.
[00:03:33] And doors opened at 1:30 and the ceremony started at 2 and I planned my day around it because that's what you do. And anyways, I left my house, got to the school.
[00:03:53] School's closed, like, 141 35, I don't know. And the line of. Of families was wrapped around the high school to get in.
[00:04:03] Like, I waited. I mean, like, it was maybe 10, 12 minutes to get into the school, but there were so many, like, grandparents and aunts and uncles and families with their flowers for their children or cards or gifts or balloons.
[00:04:23] And I'm not. I. I'm. I. I didn't bring anything for my son.
[00:04:30] But I also, like, I know him and. And I don't think that that is, like, if I brought him flower. Like, I've given him flowers before, and he's like, oh, thanks, Mom. But I think it would embarrass him more. So I just.
[00:04:43] Anyways, but on the way, I was driving, and the middle schoolers, they were walking from the middle school to the high school, which is about a mile, maybe a little less than a mile. But they made all. Like. It was a ceremonious event where the middle schoolers walked to the high school.
[00:04:59] And as I was driving to the high school, I passed their walk, their procession. And my son is six one and tall. Like, I can see him. I can find him anywhere. And I could see where he was walking. And I rolled down my window and I yelled, go, Sai. Sai. And I, like, screamed his name. And, like. And I saw him look. Like, I saw that he heard it. And Because I was gonna honk, but then I was like, everybody will look. So I just, like, screamed him his name. And. And that's. That's kind of my jam. Like, let's embarrass. And I don't think he was embarrassed, but, like, let's cheer him on. So anyways, back, I'm waiting in the line. I get into the gym, and it's like, it's. It's a high school gym with bleachers, and it's packed. Like, I barely found a seat.
[00:05:48] And so I sit down and I text his dad, like, hey, you want me to.
[00:05:58] Do you want me to save you a seat?
[00:06:01] And before I tell you the rest of the story, there was part of me while standing in line that. That said, like, trace, you didn't remind him today was graduation.
[00:06:21] But I had talked to him about the outfit because my son thought he needed to wear a suit. I had talked to him about, well, we're not going to get a suit. He's just. He's got A shirt he's going to wear.
[00:06:36] So it wasn't like. And. And for the record, he's on every single fucking school email that I am on too.
[00:06:44] So I.
[00:06:49] It's not my job to remind my ex husband to come to his children's things.
[00:06:54] And. And part of me was like, oh, Trace, maybe you should have, like, checked in with him. But we talked about it. We talked about what he's wearing, like, so it's not my job. And I'm recusing myself from that job.
[00:07:17] So sit down.
[00:07:22] And I text him, do you want me to save you a seat?
[00:07:27] And his response was, huh?
[00:07:33] And my heart broke a little bit then, like, huh? What are you talking about? Why. Why would I need a seat for.
[00:07:47] So clearly you're not here.
[00:07:50] Clearly you're not in that line of 400 people outside trying to get in to see their kids graduate 8th grade.
[00:08:04] Sorry, I have a runny nose too, and I'm just, like, emotional.
[00:08:08] And I wrote back, for real, it's size continuation. Sorry. It's called a continuation continu. Yeah, continuation. Anyways, I'm like, for real.
[00:08:24] Oh, something about work.
[00:08:28] No way I can make it. Fuck.
[00:08:33] And I'm like, are you kidding me?
[00:08:36] Like, this isn't just, like, I don't know, field day or.
[00:08:44] Or even a basketball game. They, like, have like eight a week. Like, this is his.
[00:08:52] This is a celebration. And there's, like, hundreds of people here. There's grandparents and aunts and uncles and friends, and people are bringing their. Like, this is a big deal.
[00:09:02] And. And not even, like. So there. There's that component, and then there's the component of, like, the school's like, there's no bus. Like, you have to take your kid home after continuation.
[00:09:15] And I'm like, and. And I'm. I'm.
[00:09:18] I'm sitting in the bleachers by myself, and it feels like everybody has, like, these big families around them. And I'm like, so fucking mad at him because he's gonna let our son down. He let me down.
[00:09:38] And he's missing a milestone moment in his life.
[00:09:44] And I said, well, I guess I'll drive him home to you after they need a ride home.
[00:09:49] And he says, I can scoop them from your house later. I'm like, no, it's fine. And I'm like, I'm upset.
[00:09:55] Like, I never confront him because, like, confronting a ex spouse, your children's parent, like, it has to be really worthwhile for it for me, because it really, like, I just want a cohesive unit that Functions.
[00:10:17] And I'm like, I, all I said was, I'm upset you forgot.
[00:10:21] And he says, I'm sorry, timing sucks.
[00:10:23] I would not have been able to go anyway. I thought it was the 28th, so I wasn't worried.
[00:10:29] So you forgot.
[00:10:32] You thought it was a different day and you live 10 minutes from the school.
[00:10:41] You, you could have made it.
[00:10:44] You just chose not to. You could have re, you could have put a calendar reminder and you could have got up an hour earlier and worked another hour in the morning or in the night. Like, And my heart, like, it hurts because my son, he walks in and he actually, like, they had chairs on the gym floor for the students.
[00:11:16] And he kind of like, it's so funny how it happens. He like sits in the row in front of where I'm sitting and he's like, with his buddies, he's all happy. And he looks at me, he mouths, where's dad?
[00:11:33] And I'm so mad because, like, why also do I have to be the one that shows up to tell you, your dad, it's not here.
[00:11:49] So I just shook my head like, like, no, like, where's dad? And I shook my head and my son shakes his head and like, looks at the ground and like, it just broke my heart and, and I'm so mad.
[00:12:17] I'm so mad at him.
[00:12:23] How do you not have an hour and a half in your day when you have, I don't know, like three months notice of this day? How can you not bake that into your day?
[00:12:44] Oh.
[00:12:46] And so the entire time, like, I was just like, don't cry because, you know, you, you can't like, let the kids see that.
[00:13:01] And I've done, I've done. We both, I will give him, my ex husband credit, have done a really great job at, like, I don't think we talk badly about each other, you know, especially when they're younger. Like, we've done a really good job of, you know, like, showing up as, like together and not bad mouthing each other or not like, asking questions about the other spouse or the kids. Like, at some point I was like, I should do a episode about how to co parent and how to like, maintain a good relationship with your ex. But I, I, I don't know at this point if that's the best route for me. But we've done a really good job and.
[00:13:57] I feel like this is one of the like, like he's let me down before, but this feels big and I felt alone. And he has, my son has two parents. They should both be there.
[00:14:17] So.
[00:14:19] It was lovely. The choir sang. They had a slideshow.
[00:14:25] It's. And it's always really fun, I think, as a parent, to see your kid interacting with their peers.
[00:14:34] It was great. And I, I. It was a lovely. It was a lovely ceremony. Anyways, it ends, and I'm. They're like, the kids are gonna go out this exit. Parents go out this exit. But, like, I come down this. The bleachers, and my son's right there, and I.
[00:14:50] He's like, where's Dad? I, like, grabbed his hand, and I was like, we could talk about it more in the car, but it appears he forgot.
[00:15:05] And, like, I don't know if that's the right answer. Do I cover for him?
[00:15:09] Do I not cover for him?
[00:15:12] But also, he's 14, and his dad's not there, and I don't owe his dad the responsibility of saying anything else. Like, your dad forgot about this day.
[00:15:35] Now. Like.
[00:15:36] And, like. And I'm so mad that I have to be the one that has to give that news to my kid.
[00:15:47] You, like, it makes. So anyways, we meet outside, and I get a picture of him and a couple of his friends, and I make him take a picture with me because I'm his mom. And.
[00:16:08] And there's just all these families celebrating, and I.
[00:16:16] I felt sorry. I felt bad that I didn't do more. I always feel bad that I don't do more, but I think it was fine.
[00:16:24] My son was just kind of like, I just want to, like, get out of here. Like, I'm done. I'm over middle school. Like, let's go, Mom.
[00:16:32] So we get in the car, and, you know, I told him. I was like, hey, I texted dad, like, when I got here, asked if he wanted me to save a seat, and it didn't appear like he remembered. And then he said he had work he couldn't get out of and that he thought it was on a different day.
[00:16:52] So.
[00:16:55] I'm really sorry, bud.
[00:16:57] You know, I'm really. I'm really sorry your dad didn't show up for you.
[00:17:01] And my son is. He's just got this.
[00:17:04] And. And this might be.
[00:17:06] He might internalize things that I don't know. But I think he. On the surface, he's a little like me of, like, well, like, well, at least I got.
[00:17:14] I still got my high school graduation, and hopefully he'll come to that.
[00:17:19] Yeah, hopefully he'll come to your high school graduation. And I said, if he doesn't, I will actually probably murder him. Like, Inexcusable. But.
[00:17:32] What a day.
[00:17:36] What a day. So parents do better for your kids and, and, and I know divorce sucks and. But like, fuck, pay attention to the fucking schedules and show up for your kids.
[00:17:53] And I, and I, I, I didn't ever think I would have to say that out loud about my ex because he's usually pretty good, but there was something in me today, even pulling up, I was like, I didn't remind him. So I don't know if he's going to be here.
[00:18:10] And it's not my fucking job to remind you to show up for yourself.
[00:18:19] I am.
[00:18:22] Yeah. Clearly I'm emotional and I'm like, I'm really sad. My heart hurts for me. My heart hurts for him.
[00:18:30] My. I just.
[00:18:33] And my heart hurts for my ex because I don't think he realizes what a big fuck up this is because it wasn't like a communication before, like, hey, bud, I'm not gonna be able to make this. I have this.
[00:18:49] It was. You forgot.
[00:18:51] And my son's gonna remember that.
[00:18:57] He's gonna remember that about his dad, and that really sucks for him and it sucks for my ex because, like, I, I don't want to set people up to fail. I don't want people to fail and I don't want him to fail as a dad. This is not a competition. I just be a good fucking father.
[00:19:24] All right, well. Wow, you guys, sorry I should charge you to listen to this because it's therapy, but I think it's a good reminder for all of us of how important it is to everybody in our lives that we show up for our kids. And I don't care if you're married. I don't care if you're divorced. I don't care if you don't speak. I don't, like, show up for your kids. They notice. Mean, every single kid there was looking in the audience for their family.
[00:19:55] It matters. It matters to them.
[00:20:00] So I also have, like, a whole bunch of other news, but I'm not going to get into that this week. So we're going to move. I. I will give one. Funny, because we all need a little bit of release, relief after.
[00:20:19] After that.
[00:20:22] Sorry, I gotta, like, again, I gotta, like, scroll through my phone. You guys know how you take like a thousand, like, screenshots in your phone and then you're like, where did this go?
[00:20:33] All right, this one was this.
[00:20:38] Welcome back to the world of podiums and cars.
[00:20:43] Okay?
[00:20:44] Bring the same energy or don't work hard, play harder. I make time for what Is most valuable to me. My four children are just as important to me as my motorcycles.
[00:20:58] Can we pause there for one second?
[00:21:01] I feel like your four children should be maybe more valuable than your motorcycles.
[00:21:10] My four children are just as important to me as my motorcycles.
[00:21:15] Like, you're.
[00:21:17] You're comparing your children to your motorcycles? Like, maybe you should.
[00:21:21] Maybe my motorcycles are almost as important to me as my children.
[00:21:28] I don't know. I feel like that was poorly worded.
[00:21:33] Get this. Okay.
[00:21:34] My four children are just as important to me as my motorcycles.
[00:21:40] Okay. Third place is up for grabs. Oh, my God. Thank God. Third place is up for grabs. Like, that's. This sounds fun. Okay.
[00:21:49] Third place is up for grabs. Still a podium finish. Worthy of celebration.
[00:21:54] Take it or leave it. No rushing.
[00:21:59] Third. Third place is a podium. Wow. Third podium finish.
[00:22:06] So, I mean, I would always assume children are number one.
[00:22:11] And, like, we should be honored to roll up in third place behind your motorcycles.
[00:22:21] Take it or leave it.
[00:22:23] Wow. You're. You're a really special man.
[00:22:27] I like to take pictures. Carpentry pays the bills. It would be fun to flip that around at, say, Jo. Enjoy them both. They say you. You'll never work a day in your life if it's for fun. Fun is all I have time for. I'm not working for it.
[00:22:47] I don't. I don't. I. I really don't have any words for that. I mean, I've already told you my words. Like, what the. With these men in the podium.
[00:22:59] I have zero desire to be on a podium. I have zero desire to be third on your podium.
[00:23:10] Off, like.
[00:23:12] And I feel bad for your kids.
[00:23:17] Oh, my God, you guys, I am so sorry. I did not mean for this to be this serious, but I think there are so many of us that have hybrid relationships and between our families and these. These families that don't look like they used to look, and I really think it's just.
[00:23:41] This is a really important reminder to remind your people or your brother or your husband or your boyfriend or your. That showing up matters. And our kids.
[00:23:54] Our kids deserve it. Our kids deserve people that show up for them.
[00:23:58] So don't be a dick.
[00:24:07] I think I'm going to.
[00:24:11] I don't know, take the night and decompress, and tomorrow's a new day.
[00:24:17] But as always, I appreciate you guys. I love you guys. Thank you for listening.
[00:24:23] Thank you for my friends that when I sent the screenshot of the conversation with my ex today, showed up in mass support. And I love you guys because it matters. And, yeah, I will talk to you guys next week.
[00:24:42] Bye.
