Episode Transcript
[00:00:29] Foreign.
[00:00:31] Hi there. This is Tracy with flirting after 40 today. I just wanted to give you all my background so you understand what my mission is here, which is to Find Love in 2025. It's to share stories and empower others and let other people know they're not alone in a journey for this big, amazing love that I still believe exists. But in order to understand that, we have to go back. And I want to let you guys know where I came from. I grew up in Michigan, a very modest, traditional home. I have a sister, two parents that are married going on 50 years this year. My dad worked. My mom stayed at home until we were older, and then she worked in the school system. And I had a great upbring, I would say, but very linear, very traditional.
[00:01:32] In high school, I was very boy crazy. That was my weakness. That was the thing I did, you know, that I probably drove my parents crazy about, was that I always had a new crush, a new boyfriend, very angsty, emotional girl, and had this ideals, the same ideals I have now of this kind of crazy big love. But I believed at the time that you were supposed to find it when you're young, get married, have babies, white picket fence, that there wasn't a lot of other paths. I went to college at Michigan State University.
[00:02:13] I had some significant relationships in college that were great, but I always had that, that. That pressure, that thought that I had to meet someone in college and graduate, get married, get a job, have kids, do the things that I thought you were supposed to do. And I never even stopped to question, is this what I want? Is this. Is there other options? What are other paths? Um, I had friends in high school that got married when they were 20, 21. Um, and. And it just seemed like that's what everyone was doing, therefore that's what I should do. Uh, I. I met a. A man, Andy, in college, and we hit it off. He's. He's a. He was a great guy. And I followed in those steps of what I thought I should do. He and I got married a few years after we graduated and shouldn't have gotten married. He shouldn't have. We shouldn't have gotten married. At the time, it's really, really, really vulnerable and very hard to say, but I knew I shouldn't be getting married. And I was so scared, and I couldn't. I couldn't say that to anyone. I couldn't tell anyone that I didn't want this. I mean, he was a great guy. There was nothing wrong with the relationship. There was nothing wrong with him. But, gosh, you're 20. I don't know what. I was 24. And you don't even know. You don't even know what's out there. You don't even know what life can hold for you. So we got married, and at the time, we lived in Michigan, and I had an opportunity to relocate to Arizona for work, and we decided to do that. We moved to Mesa, which is just outside of Phoenix. And I thought we would start this magical life together. And what happened is that we were both not ready.
[00:04:41] You know, he drank a lot. He. He. We were just not capable of having true, deep conversations about life and what we wanted and how to support each other.
[00:04:54] And maybe his way of coping with the relationship was to drink a 30, pack a beer a night, watch some NASCAR, and. Nothing wrong with that. But I. I was extremely alone. And for anybody that has been in a relationship and is alone in a relationship, it's. It's a very empty, dark place.
[00:05:25] My fear with that relationship was that we would have babies, because that was the next step. Okay, you've been married now. I don't. We've been married two years.
[00:05:35] Like, everybody's asking, when are you gonna have babies? And he was a very unhappy person.
[00:05:43] And I came to the conclusion that if we had children and I died, I know this is morbid, that he would then obviously be responsible for raising them. And I could not get over that. I could not.
[00:05:59] I did not believe that he would be a father, a dad, a coach, a. A human that I. That would raise my kids in a way that I was comfortable and I wanted to. And we had several conversations, but I tried to leave several times. And he.
[00:06:19] We would make up and try to figure things out, and then it just became too much. And I packed boxes, I hired a moving truck, and I moved out without even telling him. This is so shitty of me that I was leaving. He came home and the moving truck was there, and we had a conversation, and that was that. After that moment, we spoke a handful of times. After filed for a divorce, I filed no. He didn't contest it. And within, I think it was nine months, we were divorced.
[00:06:51] And it was a really difficult time. I had never lived alone.
[00:06:57] Um, I was in a state where I knew no one. I was actually working for a company and commuting to San Francisco. Um, my life just stopped. I just stopped believing in all the things that I had been programmed to believe in.
[00:07:20] So I moved to San Francisco by myself, knowing no one. And I found an apartment, had A great job, made great friends, and started dating again. And being in San Francisco was challenging as well. But I was still in this mindset of I have to find someone, and I have to find someone within the next couple years, because now I'm 28 and I want to have babies and how am I going to do all this?
[00:07:51] So I was evolving, yet I was still hanging on to these very traditional ideals of what my life should look like.
[00:08:03] I met my ex husband, my second. Second ex husband. I met Jerry. I met him in San Francisco, and we hit it off. We had this amazing love story that was fast and swept me off my feet. And he was a good Midwestern man. He.
[00:08:30] He's funny as hell. We got along and.
[00:08:35] And I. I thought I had found it. I really did. Like, I really thought, okay, this is a hundred percent my person. This is. This is my life. We got married within.
[00:08:50] Gosh, I want to say it was just after a year of dating. We got married. We had a small ceremony in Maui, the two of us. And I thought that we. We could. We were gonna do it, we were gonna make it. But we had a couple fights on our honeymoon that I brushed under the rug. We do this. That were actually really big, big red flags. But we, we. We moved along. We got over them.
[00:09:24] We got home, we were living in California.
[00:09:28] We decided he's so. He's 10 years older than me, so he wanted kids. And so our decision to have children happened very quickly. I had my first son when I was 32, and so he was 42.
[00:09:49] The best, you know, the best thing that has happened to us.
[00:09:54] It was lovely. We, we.
[00:09:57] We were. We had a really happy marriage at that point. Or, Or I thought as much as you can. But things started to change. I mean, kids change your relationship. I wanted another child. He did not. So there were some big pivotal moments and big differences in how we saw our future.
[00:10:16] He took a vacation, saw some friends, came back and said, okay, I think we should have another baby. So we tried for another baby. We had another son.
[00:10:29] They are two and a half years apart. So I was 34, he was 44. And now we have two boys, two and a half and under.
[00:10:41] This is where I feel like things started to just go. Go wrong.
[00:10:48] And I. And I. I've been to therapy. I have worked through a lot of this. However, Jerry did not want to participate in therapy. Jerry did not think that he needed help, that we needed help, that he needed to change, that he needed to work with me on things. And what happened over the next five years is I had a baby. We were living in this chaotic, you know, house with, with two young boys and we lost all passion, attraction for each other, or he lost it for me. And my overshare is that we went five years with. I'm just gonna say no sex. I mean, I think maybe there or two times and you're married and, and to me, intimacy, intimacy, sex, they are very, very important in a relationship. And otherwise we're just roommates.
[00:11:50] And I tried really hard. I, I, it was not, I was not the one turning anything down. I was the one initiating and being, and being turned away. And I will say as a woman, especially after having two babies, you're insecure about. I was insecure about my body, how it's changed. I was stressed with, I worked full time, he worked full time. Two young boys.
[00:12:19] And then to be not desired or wanted again. I was back at that alone but not alone space, you know, like I felt not seen, not loved, not desired, not wanted, not appreciated. And our world spiraled again. We moved from California to Denver and I thought maybe that would help us, that maybe a new beginning, a new life would be the answer and we would work through the things and find a new chapter and a way to grow again. And that didn't happen. What happened was I became more resentful. He, he stated that I was too controlling. And that's a whole nother conversation. And I, and I'm sure I was, I was leading a team of 18 people in Denver. A new city, a new territory. I set up all the new schools, all the new preschools, daycare. I found us the house. I, I did all the things I felt like and, and there was no reciprocation of love back. And so it, it, it got to a point where I, I couldn't, I couldn't survive in that environment anymore. And he was unwilling to do the things that I needed or try. So I asked divorce number two.
[00:13:56] It was really hard. He never fought me in it. He never disagreed. Once the decision was made, it was made and there was no looking back. We amicably split, had a mediator, a very kind, I would say divorce.
[00:14:16] We are now exceptional co parents together.
[00:14:20] We support each other, but it wasn't the love that I wanted. And I don't know that it was the love he wanted.
[00:14:31] So that's a lot to be 30.
[00:14:38] What was I?
[00:14:40] 38, 36? I don't know. Divorced twice.
[00:14:45] Two boys and, and, and no family in Denver. It was just us.
[00:14:53] And so that that's the background. And yet I still, even despite all of that, still believe in this big kind of crazy love that I. I feel like it exists for me. And I feel like I've had tastes of it, little, you know, little bits, but not ever the whole package.
[00:15:19] So after my divorce, we're going on seven years. This is. I have been essentially single for seven years. I've had relationships within that time, but nothing that I would say. I. I've never lived with anybody else. Not. Not my big love. In the seven years, I've done a lot of exploration. I've dated a lot. I've been on a lot of dates. I also, for four years, was polyamorous. For those that are not familiar with that, there will be a whole podcast on that. But ethically non monogamous in which I dated people that were in open relationships, open marriages. I dated women. I dated married men. I dated couples. Um, I was just trying to figure out this. This whole world of love. What does this look like? And what do I really want? Because what I've thought I wanted and what I've done clearly has not worked for me.
[00:16:22] I'm now at a place where I am choosing that I would like a monogamous relationship with a man, and I want to find that big love. Do I need to get married again? No. Do I need to live with someone? Not right now. I have two kids. Like, I've got a lot going on, but if I found the right person, I feel like it would fall into place.
[00:16:47] So my decision to do this podcast and to share these stories and be vulnerable is because I want to find that I have amazing friendships. I have love in so many other ways. Like, my life is very full. I just still want this romantic love. And I feel like I've done the work. I have a therapist. I. I have done exploring.
[00:17:17] I know I. I know what I want. I have a list of what I want, and it's a loose list, but I want a man that is, you know, between the ages of 40 and 55. I want a man that has a job, that is stable, that has his own life. Like, I don't need to be someone's everything. I want to be someone's partner. I want to be with someone that loves me for who I am, the good and the bad. And I don't want to change anybody. I don't need anybody to change me. And I don't know. I mean, I believe this exists. I have not found it yet, but I believe it exists.
[00:17:59] So I hope that gives you a little context and a little history of why I'm doing what I'm doing. And hopefully it shows you that I do. I have a lot of stories and I have a lot to share with people. I want people to know that I don't believe also love is linear, love is messy. I, I still believe you can love multiple people and, and I lot of love to give. And I hope that through this process I can inspire others to continue to seek their big, great loves. I can inspire others to ask for what they want and know it's okay. I can inspire others to have creative relationships that don't look like what you think they're supposed to look like.
[00:18:46] But at the end of the day, know that you're worthy of love. I know I'm worthy of love. And you know, I'm putting it out in the universe that this is what I want, this is what I'm going to do, this is what I'm going to chase for 2025. So thank you for listening. Join me on future adventures.
[00:19:06] I appre. I appreciate, appreciate all of you and the love I have received from my friends to do this and the support. So thank you.
[00:21:22] Sa.
