Cancel The Brazilian Wax

[00:00:18] Hi there. This is Tracy with flirting after 40. [00:00:22] I had a whole different agenda for this podcast today than I am going to share with you. And that is how life happens, and that's how fast things change in the world of dating. [00:00:40] I am a little raw right now. I'm sad, I'm a little hurt. [00:00:49] But, you know, no time like the present than to share the story. So this story starts. I met an amazing man, Sparky, on match.com 5, six months ago. [00:01:05] And he, during our first date, told me that I was his first date. He had been on since getting divorced. [00:01:19] And I'm. I'm sure a couple people out there can understand my concern with that. If I was just looking to have a little fun, that wouldn't be concerning to me. But to be someone's first date, typically they haven't had time to heal, and they're just dipping their toes back in and seeing what's. What's it like to go on a first date again. And they're not dating with the intention of finding their big, great love because they're healing from what was theirs. Yet here I am. And I. [00:01:57] I did try to put up some walls, and I expressed my concern with that. But, you know, you never fucking know. Like, you never know. So regardless, we've been dating for. For a couple months, and we've had a little time away in the middle and have gotten back together, hanging out quite a bit. And he has had suggested to plan a birthday weekend for me. My birthday is on Sunday. And that's amazing. I was super stoked. [00:02:31] I haven't had. I haven't had a man plan a trip or plan something like that in a really long time and very rarely ever in my life. So I was excited. [00:02:48] Also, I can't forget to let everybody know that Sparky had said to me that he didn't want to share me with anyone. [00:03:01] This was a couple weeks ago before he left out of town. [00:03:09] My interpretation of that is, you know, he doesn't want me to be messing around with another guy, which is a super fair ask. [00:03:22] And I didn't. I didn't say anything at the time, but to me, that was almost a declaration of, like, I want to be with you and I don't want you to be with anybody else. [00:03:34] Or. Or maybe it was, I don't want you to be with anybody else, but I can be with other people. [00:03:40] I mean, I don't. I don't think that was the intent, but I. I took that, I guess, naively as I wanted and had Assumed that, yeah, that he just wanted to be with me based on that comment. [00:04:08] Yet there's was still no commitment, which I acknowledge today as I pulled up to get my hair done, I get a response from Sparky. [00:04:25] So for context, last night I texted him. It's kind of silly. Made this kind of amazing dinner for myself last night and I wanted to share it with him. So I texted him and he doesn't text back, which. Okay, we typically text every day and we had texted earlier in the day. I don't hear anything. And then I get a little worried because it was snowy and I don't know, like, I don't know if he got in an accident, would I ever hear about it? Would I ever know? I text him, are you okay? And I don't hear anything. And then I have that, that sinking feeling inside like, fuck, he's on a date with someone. And I have sat in that, those fields many times before and I'm not insecure, but it just doesn't, it just, it wasn't what I hope to feel. And so I sent a snarky, a slightly snarky text that just said, you know, I hope you're okay. Maybe you're out with somebody, you know, hope everything's okay. I don't hear back until 10:30 today from him in which he says to me that he wants to always be honest. He'll never lie. He doesn't want to lie to me. And he was on a date last night and that he would still like to, to continue the weekend we had planned all in one text. [00:05:59] I, I think immediately I shut down. But we can't make anyone love us. We can't make anybody choose us. And I knew what I was getting into and I knew he, he's expressed many times he is not ready for a relationship and he wants to work on himself. And I under, I, I hundred percent understand that. I am just in such a different place and I have taken the stance of I would commit myself to you right now if you wanted that. And that's the dance we've been doing for, for a little bit now. And I, I was just really surprised that he didn't tell me in advance that he was. Had a date. Cause I would have told him it's not like he can't date anybody. It's. We don't have any. There's no, there's no limits. I just thought that we were further along. I just thought that we were closer and that he would have told me before. [00:07:02] So I, I don't know what to do about the weekend. [00:07:10] He said he's sorry. I believe him for hurting my feelings, not for going out on a date, which is fine. [00:07:19] I believe in this big love that I talk about. [00:07:24] And I'm sad because I did think Hope it was him and it's not. [00:07:40] And that's okay. I just. [00:07:45] It just sucks. [00:08:03] Okay, I. I couldn't resist. [00:08:07] I. I have to have a little bit of fun. So that's what I was thinking. My weekend was going to be like and not this, what I'm living right now. [00:08:20] The thing that. [00:08:22] What is that quote that about things being timed appropriately. Whatever it's called. So in preparation for my weekend birthday extravaganza, I had gone and had my toes done yesterday and today I went and had my hair done. Now that was just a coincidence, but I'm still gonna count it. [00:08:54] It's funny with what a bad text will do to your decision making, I might have cut my hair off. [00:09:02] But anyways, that's the point. [00:09:06] I had new lingerie. I am also incredibly ashamed to say this out loud, but I had a prescription to not have my period this weekend because I'm perimenopausal and I never know when the fuck it's going to happen. And I wanted to be able to enjoy myself. [00:09:29] And then, you know, we gotta thank Sparky because his timing was perfect. Um, I was within my 24 hour window to cancel my Brazilian wax without being charged, so canceled the wax. [00:09:51] Oh, I. [00:09:54] I have to laugh because if not, I'll keep crying and that won't do anybody any good. [00:10:03] I was in Las Vegas just before New Year's with my friend. And her and I. [00:10:10] It's a cute little story. Have been friends since college. We met at Michigan State University in the dorms. And she. We were blindly matched, so we knew nothing about each other. And the school said you guys would be great roommates. She was from a small town, I was from the great big city of Livonia, Michigan. And anyways, we met there. And to say we did not have a great start would maybe put it mildly. Like, we had a really great start and then we had a really bad time in our lives together and then we came back together. But the thing that I realized in Vegas is that I have crazy big love. It might not look like what I want it to look like in my head. It might not be with a romantic partner, but I'm so fortunate that I have these big friendships with these smart, intelligent, badass women that I know love me and will show up for me unconditionally. [00:11:18] So while in Vegas, we spend a lot of time talking about just accepting what comes our way and letting go what doesn't want to stay. [00:11:31] And we talked a lot about that, that we feel this pressure sometimes to convince men to love us. We fight to be seen. And I'm not gonna do that anymore. And that's so much easier said than done. I wanna be seen. And I, and I. If I love someone, I want them to love me. But that's not how it works. [00:11:52] If someone wants to be with you, they will be with you. Period. It's that simple. If someone wants to show up for you, they'll show up for you. [00:12:02] I'm not giving up yet. I, I believe this because I, because I see it and because I live it with other people. [00:12:11] So yes, my heart's a little broken today. I'm not sure what the weekend entails but I'm not going to give up. I'm going to keep trying. I'm going to keep the fucking apps. [00:12:27] I'm going to meet somebody and I believe I'm worthy. I know I'm worthy. I know I'm worthy of this big love. So I have to leave you guys on a high note. [00:12:41] I have been perusing the dating apps, I have not been talking to anybody or actually dating anybody and I came across this profile. It's his interesting for first date. Interesting. What did he say? It's his unique first date idea would be to drink cheap beer out of a can and explore abandoned farmhouses. [00:13:06] That doesn't read murder me. I, I don't know what does. This is actually out of profile. [00:13:14] Yes, I swiped left. I, I like my life. [00:13:18] I, I, I think this is also why I'm sad is that this is what I keep finding these outlandish profiles and I just want a nice like a hard working nice guy that happens to have a cute face and probably is bald. But I mean murder and the abandoned farmhouse after cheap beer or being alone. I am clearly going to be alone. I appreciate you guys bearing with me. This is not what I had planned tonight but it's my life and it's messy sometimes and it's hard but I am committed to finding love and that's what I'm going to do. So please follow me, just follow me along on the adventure. I know it's going to get better. So thank you for listening. Have a great night.