The Ex Files: Why We Still Show Up

[00:00:00] Foreign. [00:00:05] Hi there, it's Tracy. [00:00:07] And welcome to flirting after 40. [00:00:10] I know I posted today that you guys were going to be hearing about sex clubs, but I am going to postpone that and I'm going to take that post down. I'm sorry to let you guys down because I know that some a hot topic, so. So I'm going to back up a little bit. [00:00:37] Last Friday I had a great therapy session and I feel like I've just been in this funk, you know, and. And dating has a little bit to do with it. Just life in general does. [00:00:58] And I don't know, like, I just. [00:01:02] I'm. I'm bored, but I'm also like working my ass off. [00:01:08] I want a date, but I don't really want to date because I'm so discouraged. [00:01:15] So I went to therapy and I asked her about, like, here are all the things, like, why do I feel this way? [00:01:24] And what I came back with was that, you know, it's like death by a thousand paper cuts. [00:01:36] Like, you got, you know, a bad date with Sam. [00:01:40] You got fucking Cody. Like all these like, little, little things. [00:01:46] Okay, The Sam thing felt big. [00:01:49] You've got life problems. You got kids, you got dizzy, you've got your parents, you've got. [00:01:55] Oh, sometimes just life feels so heavy and it feels like it's so much. And then the state of the world, and I'm not going to get into politics now, but it's exhausting. [00:02:06] And you know, her example of like, death by a thousand paper cuts feels like where I'm living these days. And I'm, I'm sure, kind of where everybody else is living these days. [00:02:17] And her message was like, we'll try to find joy in equal increments, you know, so like, joy by. [00:02:27] Well, it wouldn't be a thousand paper cuts. It'd be like joy by a thousand kisses or something. She didn't say that, but I'm just interpreting that message. Like, what are the tiny, tiny things that bring you joy? [00:02:40] And so this last week I've been trying really hard to focus on that. Like, flowers bring me joy. [00:02:49] And I went to Trader Joe's and bought some flowers. [00:02:54] Cooking brings me joy. So I, like, cooked for myself this weekend instead of ordering out, and I cooked on Monday and invited friends over. [00:03:09] Her example, which I Love, was that 90s rap brings her joy. And that's like, okay, we're in our 40s, like 90s rap. Oh my God, you guys. Wait. I listened though. So I was like, Yeah, I love 90s rap. I love 90s music in general. So I'm like, I'm gonna take her idea and I'm gonna steal it and help myself. And I was listening, you know, just to 90s music in general, and holy, like, the. [00:03:42] I'm like, no wonder my parents were like, shut that off. Like, it is horrible. Not horrible as in bad music. Like, the raunchiness of it. I'm like, oh, my God, I can't listen. I can't have this on when my kids are around. [00:04:01] And that brought me joy. And I'm gonna play it for my kids because, like, I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom. I mean, like, they need some of that in their life. I don't know. [00:04:16] So I'm. I'm being a little intro. Introspective and, like, really trying to focus on moments of joy and, like, tiny moments versus, like, big joyous moments. Because, like, the big joyous moments don't happen all the time. Those are rare. [00:04:43] And same with the bad stuff. They're. They're seemingly rare. Like, it might feel like it to us that these huge things, these bad things are happening all the time. [00:04:56] And I. And I'm. I'm just trying to really put it in perspective. Like, there are a lot of bad things, but there's also a lot of good. [00:05:05] And we were talking about depression, and, you know, her. Her comment to me was really, like, depression really sets in when there's lack of hope. [00:05:20] And you don't. Like, little moments of joy keep us from the lack of hope because they inspire us and they remind us that it's not so bad, that there is still things to be joyous for. [00:05:39] And I'm. I'm really, really trying to take that and live that. [00:05:47] Yes, it's only been a week, but. But I think we can all learn from that and, like, to find small moments of joy, whether it's a walk, painting, talking to a friend on the phone, like, having a friend over. Like, I said, Monday, I cooked dinner and I invited. Impromptu invited a friend over. [00:06:11] And, like, I was thinking it'd be from like, 5 to 8, and it was 5 to 11, and it was a shit show, and it was glorious. Like, my dog escaped, and I ran after my dog in an apron, and I had a glass of wine, and then she runs out after me. And my dog, in the middle of his runaway escape, stops to poop on my neighbor's yard. And I'm, like, yelling, grab a poop bag, and the kids are running out. And then the dinner I cooked didn't work. Out. [00:06:53] It was taking way too long. I like, this is life. The dinner took way too long. It was not cooking. I ordered a pizza. So I order a pizza, and I had a candle burning, and then the pizza receipt on the box catches fire. And, like, the kids go rolling in grass somewhere outside, and they all come back with hot, covered in hives. And, like. [00:07:22] Like joy, real joy. And. And it wasn't because it needed to be perfect. It was because I wanted to cook. [00:07:31] And by cooking, I invited somebody over. And I wouldn't have invited somebody over had I not had a whole chicken marinating in my refrigerator for the last 24 hours. So that is my message to you guys is like. [00:07:47] Like, nothing even really necessarily about dating. But I know dating also is a lot. And I'm just taking a step back and trying to find joy in my life. [00:08:02] So the reason why I'm not gonna talk to you guys about a sex club today, but I promise it's coming. I promise I will. [00:08:10] Unfortunately, my ex husband and my one youngest son, they were in a car accident today. And I'm going to not get emotional because I'm going to try, but they're okay. [00:08:27] I went to a meeting and they were. [00:08:30] My ex came to pick him up. I had already taken our oldest son over to his house earlier in the day, but he came to pick up the youngest. And they were turning left out of, like, the. The main street by my house, and a car ran a red light and essentially t bone them. [00:08:51] And I got the call from my ex. [00:08:55] I, you know, answer. I'm like, hey, like, dude, why are you calling me? And I could hear in his voice, he was very upset, like. And he was like, hey, Trace. Like, um. And immediately my brain just went to this idea that my dog got out because he had just gotten out and got hit by a car, but that wasn't the case. And he's like, we were. We were in a. An accident. [00:09:17] We're okay. The car is totaled. [00:09:21] Your son is okay, you know? And I'm like, oh, my gosh. Like. Like, are you really okay? Is he okay? Like, okay, Everybody's okay? [00:09:31] And he's like, yeah, I think the car's totaled. [00:09:36] And I'm like, okay. Like, I'm 20 minutes away. I'll be right there. He's like, you don't have to come. And I'm like, no, of course I have to come. Like, you guys are my people. [00:09:43] And I pull. I come up to the intersection, and I don't know, there's like seven police Cars and an ambulance and you pull up and you just see all the emergency responders and you know that your people are part of that. And like, that just like, oh, that is a very horrible feeling. And you know, for anybody that has been a part of anything like that, I'm so sorry. And it's, it's just, it's, it's, it's a little, it's terrifying, you know, because obviously it's your kid, but the part of the story is also, it's like you're. [00:10:26] It's their dad. It's my ex husband. It's. But it's their dad. [00:10:32] So I like, pull off and I walk across the intersections and, you know, go to meet them and give them hugs and my, my little one is okay. So I'm like, let's walk back to the house. [00:10:50] My ex is like, let me. He has to stay there, you know, at the scene while they're doing everything. But he comes back over. He come, he walks to my house from there and he's got a big, like, gash on his hand and he had hit his head on the window. But like, like really, truly, like, all things considered, they're, they're fine. [00:11:18] And I, I drive them home to his house or to his house. [00:11:23] And you know, I'm like, let me know, like, keep me posted on how you guys are feeling. And he thanks me for. He thanks me for. [00:11:32] He's like, well, first he apologizes for calling and like, taking me away from what I was in. And I was like, no, like, there's nothing more important than you guys, you know? And I like, let me reiterate that. Like, and he's like, well, I know, like, it's your son. And I'm like, no, like, you too. Like, and so I wanted to share a little bit about our relationship and how we co parent because we have a very unique co parenting situation. And I have been told hundreds of times, like, and this is not an exaggeration about, I have parents tell us and friends tell us how great we co parent together. [00:12:25] And I think that's like a huge part of, you know, any relationship. And I know I, I have seen so many bad divorces and so many situations where it's not this. And I know that not everyone can have this, but, like, I want to share, like, how I think we have it well. I think we're both, we're both very focused on our kids and that ultimately their joy and their lives depend on us, especially when they were little. So, like, we divorced almost Eight years ago. So, like, that's a long time. They were little. [00:13:15] Also, I know I was in a position where I chose not to fight about money. [00:13:24] And I know not everybody has that luxury, but I. [00:13:30] I was the one that asked for the divorce, and I was the one I met with lawyers. [00:13:39] But the lawyers, based on my conversation, always recommended mediation. [00:13:47] And I knew. And my decision was if I could save $20,000, let's say by. Or $40,000 or 100. Like, lawyers are so insanely expensive. And if we wanted to fight it out, it would cost us so much money. [00:14:09] But if we could go to mediation for I don't know what it was, less than $5,000, I want to say, and come to terms. And even if I had to pay him $20,000, 50,000, even if I had to pay more, that ultimately the kids would benefit from that. And it's not just money gone. [00:14:34] It's money that is invested in. [00:14:39] Maybe it's his house that he spends time with them. Maybe it's money that is saved for them someday. Maybe it's money that he then takes him on a vacation. I don't even know what that money could you, like, be. But I knew that it wasn't going to be money for an attorney. [00:15:00] It wasn't gonna be money to fight with him. [00:15:03] And we both recognized that each other, we were good people. [00:15:10] We just weren't the good people together. We weren't the good people for each other. We both recognize that we are both good parents. [00:15:19] And I chose not to see. [00:15:22] Like, there's a lot I could be negative about. [00:15:26] So maybe this is part of, like, choosing little bits of joy. Like, they don't want us to fight. The kids don't want us to fight. The kids don't want to be in the middle of a battle. And again, I know this is a different relationship than a lot of people have, but I encourage you, if you are in that situation, to try to seek and. And, like, remember what's important. [00:15:54] And, like, if you're just fighting to see your kids, that's one thing. Or if you're fighting because you have a abusive spouse, that's. That's also totally different. [00:16:03] We. We didn't have that situation. [00:16:06] We just were not. We just were not compatible partners, or we maybe even are compatible partners, but it just. It just didn't feel good, and it didn't work, and it wasn't bringing us joy, or it wasn't bringing me joy. I won't even speak for him. It wasn't bringing me Joy. And I knew I could be a better parent. I could be a better person on my own. [00:16:31] So I would encourage you to, like, look at it through that lens and truly, like, at the end of the day, yes, I paid alimony. I pay child support. [00:16:45] I was. I was the person that was making more money. [00:16:51] Does that sting? Do I like it? No, I don't fucking like it. I. I don't. [00:16:56] And I was really. [00:17:00] I was bitter for a long time. But what we've created now, eight years later, is this really cohesive family. [00:17:12] And I would hope that he would call me even if he was in an accident by himself, because I would be there to help him. [00:17:24] We are like, we are each other's phone, a friend. We are each other's emergency contact. [00:17:33] And. And I do say, like, I would like a new emergency contact that's not my ex husband. I really would. [00:17:39] I would like a contact that if my ex husband and my kid are in an accident, that I call them and they're supporting me while I'm supporting them. [00:17:49] And I want that. And I know that's like, to some people might sound like the fucked up. Like the super fucked up relationship, but I. It's possible and we do it. [00:18:00] And I just. [00:18:05] I'm so grateful that they're okay. And I'm so grateful that we have this weird family dynamic where we support each other no matter what. [00:18:22] And I am just. I feel so fortunate. [00:18:25] And so I encourage anybody that is, you know, maybe in the. Maybe going through a divorce or thinking about a divorce or divorce to like, just look at it with a different lens and know. Just know it's possible to have a good relationship. We. I mean, you guys, we sit together at band concerts, we sit together at sporting events. And do I get annoyed if he yells at the fucking refs? Yes. But you know what? I can also look at the woman next to me and be like, we're divorced. He's on his own. Like, I have no control over this. [00:19:02] And that works. [00:19:06] So just. Just some food for thought. [00:19:12] Okay? So for my funny you guys, again, I have just been. And I think this is. [00:19:18] This is good for everybody to hear and for me to say, like, I have not been online dating a lot since we're talking a little bit about my ex. [00:19:30] It was really funny. My kids were with him. [00:19:35] They went to visit family this last weekend, and they both get in the car and like, he and I don't typically talk about dating. [00:19:47] It's just it. I mean, we do a little sometimes we had a Bad run in, like, right after I got divorced. And he was super pissy. And anyways, again, it's not all flowers and butterflies, but the kids got in the car and they were like, oh, my God. [00:20:04] So dad was talking to a girl, and I think this was kind of a new thing, you know? [00:20:09] And I guess she texted him and asked if he could talk, and he said, no, I'm sorry. I'm with my kids. [00:20:20] Like, and with family. I can't talk right now. [00:20:23] And her response was, okay, you do you. [00:20:29] And I was like, the kids are like, we're driving and my kids are telling me this about my exes. I don't know, whoever she is. And I'm like, oh, my God, what a bitch. [00:20:40] Like, you do you like, What a snarky comment. Especially if a person is being, like, genuine. And, like, again, this is my kid's side of the story and what their dad told them, so who knows? [00:20:54] But if they say they're with their kids and they can't talk. And you do you. I'm like, he needs to shut that down. Like, if some guy said that to me, I'd be like, oh, you off. [00:21:08] Like, I am with my people. Like, why would you. Like, like, it's not like I'm out with another girl. Like, what the are you doing? [00:21:18] And so I just loved. Like, I share some of my dating stuff with my kids. Like, just, you know, high level. [00:21:25] But I love that they both were like, we gotta tell you what's going on with dad. [00:21:32] You do you. [00:21:34] And apparently, like, he was like, oh, off. Kind of. And they did say, like, oh, like, a day or two later. She. She apologized for her behavior, but I don't think dad's gonna see her. [00:21:50] Okay, so again, not my funny, but kind of funny. And kind of funny that, like, I mean, I'm dogging on a girl for this, but, like, don't be that girl. Like, he's actually a good guy, and I really would love nothing to nothing, nothing more than to see him with somebody that makes him happy and that, like, would love my kids too. Like, that is. [00:22:14] That is truly where I am in our relationship. So I got a little protective over the. Okay, you do you. [00:22:25] Okay, you guys, I'm sorry for the departure over what you might have been expecting. I promise it's coming. [00:22:37] All right, have an amazing day, and thank you guys always for listening.