Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Foreign Hi there, it's Tracy. Welcome to flirting after 40.
[00:00:11] So I just recorded a whole episode and my mic was not working. So I'm just. It's just been one of those weeks and I'm trying to get out of the funk, but I'm in it, so I apologize. So I know a lot of people have been asking about Sam, like, what's going on with him? And I don't know. Like, we talked on Saturday night for a while and it was really great.
[00:00:48] I was, had a couple. Well, I had a bottle of wine before and I have no idea if, if he had anything, but he had told me during that conversation that, yeah, he's like, I'm going to come see you. I'm going to come see you in the next three weeks. We're going to make this happen.
[00:01:10] You know, he was very reassuring of telling me. Like, even just he likes talking to me and likes hearing my voice and like, at one point even like to say, like, like, I want you.
[00:01:25] And like, I, I, I'm, I want him. Like, I have this desire and this, like, it's so nice to feel seen again. But I'm, I'm also really not sure, like, he lives far away and I'm not sure what it means, you know, Is it just a hookup? Is it something more?
[00:01:57] I'd like to assume it might be something more, but I'm also just a little freaked out.
[00:02:06] We talked yesterday on the phone and it was just a normal conversation. Just a conversation about, like, let's just catch up. I was also exhausted. I had been traveling. I had a, I, like I said, just a kind of a shit week. My kids were around. I wasn't on my best. Like, I was at my best. And it was just, just a normal conversation. And then I get in my head and I don't know about you guys, but, like, it's really easy to think that I'm making something it's not, or I misread something, or I just, I just, it's really, I think being burnt the way I've been and being hopeful to just stay in the moment and not read more or less into anything and just be present.
[00:03:03] It's really hard. And I'm working really hard at this. I don't know if anybody else experiences that, but I think I have so much. And I was just on the phone, a work call, but, like, I think I have so much.
[00:03:21] I'm not going to call it trauma because it's not all trauma, just experience or examples where I've been burned that I lean towards being like, more protective and less trusting because of that. And I don't think I ever used to be like that. Like, I think this is a new thing in the last, like maybe, you know, seven years.
[00:03:46] And I'm trying to break that cycle.
[00:03:51] I'm, I'm working on that. And I'm going to tell you guys it's not easy, but so things are going well. We will see. I've sent dates and we will see if he shows up. I don't know. I hope he does because I actually think, well, I know we would have a really fun time, but I think we could really be good in each other's lives.
[00:04:16] Even if it doesn't turn into anything, I still feel that. So I don't know. We'll see. I was in Michigan this last weekend and I went to see my sister, my parents and some friends.
[00:04:29] And I think going back to your hometown is always like a little nostalgic.
[00:04:36] And I don't have a ton of like dating history in Michigan. Like, I have my first love. I have.
[00:04:45] That's where I met, you know, my ex husband at college at Michigan State. Like, I think I have a lot of really good things there. But it, when you go back and I, you know, for those who have never left or haven't left, you know, your homes, you might not know how this feels, but it's going home. Is it? And I still call it home, you guys. Like, I've been gone since I was probably 25, so almost half my life I've been gone. And it's still home. Even though I don't have, I don't go back to my childhood home. It's still home.
[00:05:26] So going home brings up a lot of different emotions. It's not all easy, but it's also super comforting.
[00:05:33] But it got me thinking of my firsts. Like, I have a son who is 13 right now. And I got me thinking of like your first time you held hands with someone or your first kiss or your first love and all those things. And you know, my first kiss was not in Michigan, I was actually traveling. But it still embodies that feeling.
[00:06:03] And you don't necessarily think back to all these things, but when you go home, you're kind of flooded with memories or feelings of when you were there. And so my story for today is my first kiss, like my first real kiss. Not just this little peck, but I was traveling, my parents, when I, I had to go back. And Look, I was 13, so I was my son's age. It's fascinating that I kept a scrapbook, you guys.
[00:06:36] I have a scrapbook of postcards and pictures and letters from friends that I've, like, taped into this book. And I'm not a scrapbooker, so my parents made us go to New Mexico. We took two weeks, and we drove from Michigan to New Mexico and Colorado. It was my first time ever coming to Colorado. And at the time, I was dating this boy, Tom, And I thought I was going to die because I had to leave Tom behind. And I couldn't talk to Tom for two weeks because we were going on vacation.
[00:07:14] Like, these big feels, being young.
[00:07:18] I mean, maybe I would still feel that way right now, but at least now I have a cell phone. But back then, I didn't. And I was so distraught, like, what am I gonna do for two weeks? And I remember crying in the back of the van, just like, how could you do this to me? How could you make me leave my first boyfriend?
[00:07:40] What. What is he gonna do without me? And it was heartbreaking at the time. So we go and we are visiting, you know, the West Coast. Well, Central Midwest. Central West. Anyways, to give you guys also some context before I tell you this story, I loved Barbies when I was younger. I played Barbies all the time. And all of my Barbies, they had a boyfriend. Gosh. Maybe they were sharing the boyfriend. I don't know their boyfriend. His name was Ryan Parker. And I don't. I'm not sure how I came up with the name Ryan Parker. Maybe. I think I watched Adventures in Babysitting, and her name was Chris Parker. But, like, Brian Parker, I don't know. I was fixated on it. It was a name that. If my Barbie had a boyfriend, his name was Ryan Parker. Just done. No question asked. All right, so back to the van, the minivan. We're traveling across the country. I'm sad. I miss Tom. We are staying in Socorro, New Mexico, to see family. And we are staying at a hotel motel. Like an outdoor kind of. You know, the doors are outdoor, but there's multiple levels, so whatever that. That makes it. And back in the day, you know, we didn't have cell phones, so I went. I was so excited. They had a pay phone. I took my bag of coins down to the pay phone to call Tom. And I was so excited. Like, I'm gonna call Tom. And I did. I called him. It was. I miss you. It was so cute. I don't know. I don't remember a lot about it. And again, you guys, this is 30 years ago, so my memory is not as vivid as it was.
[00:09:28] But I called Tom. We're talking and back in the day like you had to keep feeding it money if you wanted to keep talking. So it was like you owe us another quarter or whatever, 25 cents. And so I like dumped my change out onto the ledge and was like searching for a quarter to. Into the phone. And while I was doing that, a coin fell into the shoe of the boy that was next to me on a payphone. So there's a bank of pay phones and a coin falling issue. Anyways, I wrap things up with Tom and the, the guy next to me wraps things up and he like takes off his shoe and he's like, hey, you dropped a quarter or whatever it was into my shoe. And I'm like, I'm so sorry. Thank you. Like, and we started talking and I don't even remember exactly how it went, you know, hey, I'm Tracy, you're cute.
[00:10:27] Fuck Tom. I mean like, I don't even remember. I don't remember how it went. I was like madly in love with Tom. And then I drop a quarter in the stranger shoe and he's adorable and I'm like, you're cute.
[00:10:41] So we, he. He gives me back my money and we started talking. And his name is Ryan.
[00:10:50] His name is Ryan Parker. Okay, do you guys understand what the universe just did there? They gave me my dream man in seventh grade because I dropped a coin in his shoe and at a pay phone.
[00:11:10] So we was like, do you want to take a walk?
[00:11:14] I would love to take a walk, Ryan. And we walk around the parking lot of the hotel because I knew if, like I knew my parents would kill me if I like left the property. So like that, that wasn't an option. And we walk around and we hold hands and I don't even, I don't have any memory of what we talked about. But I remember being just infatuated immediately with this boy. And then I remember he kissed me. And it was my first kiss. And it was really good and scary and. Really good and scary.
[00:11:54] And like anybody like teenage girls, their emotions and probably teenage boys, their emotions are just insane. Like I was instantly in love with this man. This boy. He's not even a man. I'm 13.
[00:12:13] I'm just like, oh my God. Best fucking night of my life. And at the time I think we exchanged at least addresses or phone number. Like phone numbers, addresses. But like my phone number is like my parents house. We have one landline.
[00:12:34] And addresses. And he says, I'm. I said, I'm. We're leaving tomorrow. And he said, will you please meet me at the town Square at like 9:00 or whatever time it was. And I was like, I'm gonna try my best.
[00:12:48] I know my parents, like we're leaving and they might not want to do that, but I will try.
[00:12:55] So I come back to the room.
[00:12:58] I think I tried to like play kind of cool, but I'm like, I met a boy.
[00:13:05] And I like my. I'm. I was boy crazy. Like my parents knew this about me, but I met a boy.
[00:13:12] He's amazing. I want to see him tomorrow before we leave. And he's going to be at the town Square at 9am we need to go.
[00:13:21] I'm sure my parents thought like I would think my son would be nuts, but they, they actually, it might have been a little early. Like we're leaving at 8:30, so we're going to go at 8:30. I can't remember exactly what happened, but they drove me to the town square to meet him and he didn't show up. He wasn't there.
[00:13:43] And I just remember being so sad and heartbroken and crying in the back of the van because Ryan Parker wasn't there. Now maybe I was early, maybe it was late. I don't remember. I don't remember the details. It was just so sad. But he wrote me and I ended up writing him. And he would send me photos. And even at one point, I think it was a.
[00:14:08] What are the little firecrackers? Like a M80? I don't know. I think. I still think that's a big firecracker. But like he sent me a firecracker in the mail, which is highly illegal.
[00:14:23] But so I was thinking about him and I went back through my little scrapbook and you guys, I found. I have to read you. I found two letters that he had sent me and he wrote them in cursive. So for anyone in this generation, like, my kids don't know cursive. My kids can't recursive, let alone write cursive. So this boy at seventh grade sent me this. I'm going to read you two. Dear Tracy, I really miss you.
[00:14:53] This, like, this is the sweetest thing. Even if only if I only saw you for half a day, which it wasn't even half a day to me it seems like I have known you for some from somewhere, but that probably sounds crazy. Oh, by the way, remember when I called that night and I said Lee was Drunk. I was only kidding. I just wanted to see if you really wanted to go out with me. You guys, remember when we would call dating like going out with each other? Oh, my gosh. Okay, Tracy, since you don't listen to a certain music, I suggest Aerosmith, Ozzy Osbourne, and of course Metallica if you don't like that. Oh, well. The sweetest thing I've ever heard. Tracy, you said you had a psychogenesis. Maybe I can send you a game of mine. Just tell me what type of like fighting sports or something like Sonic the Hedgehog. Because I don't play my Sega anymore. I don't know what else to say, but write me back. Please pass. Send me a picture. Love, Ryan. You guys, this still must be like. Might be one of the sweetest love notes I've ever received in my entire life.
[00:16:02] All right. Letter to. Dear Tracy, I got your letter. I'm doing just fine. I finally got a phone, but it can't make long distance phone calls. So what I was thinking I could send you the money to call me long distance. If that's an inconvenience, just write and tell me. I can't wait to see how your hair looks in the picture that you're going to send me. Must have been insecure about my hair. I sure hope you can come down next summer if your parents will let you. Because I like you a lot, even if I only knew you for one day. This week sometime I'm going to Texas to see my great grandparents because they're getting old and it may be the last time I see them. I guess you probably want my phone number. Well, here it is. And he gives me his phone number, but there's no area code. I have to go now for swimming practice. I have a meet tomorrow. Wish me luck. P.S. sorry for the bad handwriting. I'm taking care of my grandma's dog. Love, Ryan. You guys, that is like so fucking sweet. And I don't know where Ryan Parker is. Like, I don't have an address still. I have a phone number, no area code. I think he was from the Carolinas, but, like, where is Ryan Parker? And it's such a generic name. Like, I'm a pretty good stalker and I've not been able to find him. So if you know Ryan Parker or a Ryan Parker that maybe was on the east coast, that had great grandparents that lived in Texas, that had family that lived in New Mexico, please point in my direction.
[00:17:48] I was joking. And I was joking with a friend today at lunch. But, like, I was Singing the song from where in the World is Carmen Sandiego.
[00:17:57] If you're from my generation, you can probably sing it. And I was adding, I'm not gonna sing it to you guys because I'm a terrible singer. But, like, where in the world is Ryan Parker?
[00:18:08] Because I want to know. Like, we just, I think, got into high school and just stopped communicating. We talked on the phone a couple times, but I don't know, like, I'm. He was my first kiss.
[00:18:23] It's such a good story. I. I just feel like there's, like, the. The world brought him to me, and maybe it was just for that, and maybe it was for, like, to get me to believe that the universe is capable of doing things like that. And maybe that was the purpose, but it's fucking amazing.
[00:18:45] So Ryan Parker hit me up.
[00:18:50] All right, so my funny for today is I was in Michigan, like I said, and usually when I travel, like, I have not been on the dating apps. I've told you guys, like, I've been off of them. I'm just. I just can't right now. But I like to go on in the towns that I'm in to just see, like, what are the men like in these towns? And I was in a small town with my friend, and so I had to get on, and she's not on any dating apps, so she wanted to, like, she's like, I just want to see, like, what's out there in my town. And I'm so used to just the bullshit, bad pictures and all the crap that I don't even, like, notice it, but it was funny. Every time there was a shirtless man in front of a toilet, she was just like, oh, my God, like, what are they doing? Why would they post that photo? And, like, you could be hot and it's still not attractive. I mean, most of these people weren't hot, but, like, you could still be hot, but don't. I don't need a shirtless photo of you in front of the toilet in your dirty ass fucking bathroom to make me want to swipe right. Like, it's just not appealing. And then the speedos.
[00:20:07] Let's talk about the speedos.
[00:20:11] I think speedos are funny. I think they're probably sexy in other countries. I don't personally find them sexy. I don't. I, like, I don't need to see your junk in a little. In a little hammock there yet. There was several speedo photos, you guys. My favorite. Well, there was two favorites. One was this man in this little Speedo. And he was a big dude. Like, not, like fat, just big dude holding two drinks in his Speedo and he's, like, so proud.
[00:20:50] Not hot. The other one, Speedo, rear end with an American flag wrapped around him.
[00:21:00] Not hot.
[00:21:03] I'm.
[00:21:05] I realize that I am judgy and I'm jaded, but even the woman that I'm with that is not on these dating profiles still thinks it's not attractive. So, guys, let's just save the bathroom selfies, naked selfies, for another day. Put the Speedos away.
[00:21:26] Maybe some, like, hot man shorts. I don't know.
[00:21:31] I don't know. Maybe. Maybe somebody disagrees with me. Maybe there is a. There is a hope for you Speedo guys, but it's not with me or her.
[00:21:42] Okay, you guys, so I've hit a thousand listeners, and I just want to say thank you guys. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your.
[00:21:51] For sharing how you feel. Thank you for sharing, reaching out to me. I appreciate all of your time. And, yeah, I think I have a lot more to share, but till next time, have a great week, you guys. Bye.
