Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Foreign.
[00:00:05] Hi there. It's Tracy. Welcome to flirting after 40.
[00:00:10] So it's a yes or it's a no.
[00:00:15] These are words that I heard. I think I read them in a book and it resonated with me to a point that I know I, I've, I. I know I've said this to people in the past. I know I said it's a sparky. And when I said it, especially to him, I like, I want someone to be a yes for me.
[00:00:44] Like that there's no doubt that they want to be with me, that they choose me, that they see me, that they are.
[00:00:54] That they're in.
[00:00:56] And I think that mentality has, like, trickled its way and it is who I am at the core of who, like, who I am.
[00:01:07] I'm either in, I'm committed, I'm gonna do it, or I'm not.
[00:01:15] And there's not a lot of gray in that. I started a business and I'm. I'm in. Like, I'm a fuck yes. And I'm going to do everything I need to do and I'm going to hustle to, to make that successful. I have a handful of really close friends.
[00:01:31] If any single person of those people called me, I would drop whatever I'm doing, assuming it's like, not my kids and their health. Like, I would show up, somebody needs me, I'm going to show up. I'm going to show up in whatever capacity I am fully capable of showing up. But I am a fuck yes, I am. I love you. I will be there. I will support you. I don't understand and, and this is on me that how people are not like that, like how they can live in the gray if, you know, I told you guys a story. One about I had to have, like, I had a mass in my jaw and had to have it removed. And the guy I was dating for over a year or about a year at the time, and I said, can you drive me?
[00:02:29] And his response was, yeah, I don't do that.
[00:02:38] And I just don't get that.
[00:02:40] I don't get how you can sleep with me. You can be my person. I can be your person for a magnitude of other things. Yet when I need something, you're like, no, I'm not asking you to do the fucking surgery. I'm just asking you to take me.
[00:03:02] Like, I don't understand. And I. And I know there's gray and I know not. It's not always a yes. I understand that. It can't. You can't always be On.
[00:03:13] But what I'm looking for in a relationship is someone that meets me in that space.
[00:03:22] So, you guys, I've been talking about Sam a lot, and my relationship. Well, I don't know. It's not a relationship. It is. It feels like it's a relationship.
[00:03:36] And, like, he came in hot and heavy. Like. Like, he came in with this purpose. Like, I like you. I want to see you.
[00:03:47] I want you. Like, I'm gonna come see you in three weeks. Like. Like, very actively pursuing. And at first, you know, if you go back and listen to my first podcast about when he reappeared, I. I just thought it was, like, a friendly reappearance. And then the next time he calls, he's like, I like you. And now I'm, like, hooked.
[00:04:08] And. And this last week, I've had a ton of anxiety around it, and I'm.
[00:04:15] I was. I was really trying to figure out, like, why is it? Am I anxious because I need more validation? Am I anxious because I need, like, why. Why am. Like. And what I think it is is expectations.
[00:04:35] And I was just talking to a friend about the expectations today. It's so funny that this happened because she called me and was talking about. Like, she's like, I just. I have high. Like, I have expectations for things. And I'm like, fuck, yes. I think that's amazing.
[00:04:54] Expectations are good.
[00:04:57] Clearly, when you are able to express and outline your expectations to someone, like, that's even better. Like, it's not fair to judge necessarily people based on your expectations if you don't tell them what your expectations are. And I need to do that with Sam, because how I communicate, how I receive love, validation, and things that I need might not be how he does, but for me, like, if I send a text, I would like acknowledgement back. I'm not needy. I don't need a lot, but like. Like, heart it. Like, it.
[00:05:36] If I pay you a compliment. Like, I sent a text.
[00:05:41] I had friends over, and I sent a text. Like, we were talking about him, and I was like, really? Like, a giddy girl. Like. Like, I'm excited about this guy and, like, talking about him. And I sent him a note that. Or a text at night, and I was like, hey, hey. Like, you. I can't remember exactly what I said, but along the lines of, like, you have a lot of fans here. Like, people are pretty excited that you're in my life. And with a kissy face at the end, like, I'm flirting, I'm being nice, and I don't get a. Like, back I don't, I don't get anything back for two days.
[00:06:18] Like that doesn't feel good to me. That doesn't feel like a yes. Like I need to feel the fuck. Yes, I need, I need my energy met.
[00:06:31] And yes, I do need to have this conversation and I will have this conversation. But I think at the root of what I'm looking for is truly someone.
[00:06:43] And I don't even expect a hundred percent. Like I know I'm an anomaly and that I work in a weird way. And I, when I commit, I commit. I know that not everybody thinks like that, but I want someone that can meet me and understand where I am and wants to know that. So like I went to therapy today and yes, I think I've told you guys, like I have a great therapist and a lot of con. The conversation was around this. Cause I was like, am I, am I the one freaking out? Am I doing something that is not right? Am I pushing someone? And then I think as women, women overthink things. I will say that, like, that's why I love therapy. Like it grounds me, it allows me the space to say the things I want to say in a non judgmental way and reflect on them. And. But I was, I, we were reflecting. I was reflecting that in business, I'm like all in. Like, if I, if I'm going to commit myself to something, I'm going to give it everything I have or you know, the, the capacity that I have committed to. Like, I'm in. If you have my word, I'm in. I'm going to do it.
[00:07:57] And I think relationships, I do the same thing. I just, and I assume people do the same thing. And that's not fair. I assume that I'm a fuck yes. So you're a fuck yes. And you're like, you're gonna give it the same thing.
[00:08:15] So I need to have that conversation because I don't think that that is necessarily the case for everyone.
[00:08:23] And I think it makes people uncomfortable that I am like, let's go, let's have like book the flight. You say you want to come see me, here's the days I'm available, book the flight.
[00:08:37] And then I get disappointed and let down when they don't.
[00:08:43] And it's, it's not like business where for, for my company, like, I'm in control.
[00:08:51] I, I shape what happens in a relationship. There's two people and I can't control that other aspect. I can't control that other person. But I can demand.
[00:09:05] Demand sounds like a very Strong word request. I can request that.
[00:09:12] I.
[00:09:14] This is what I need for validation. I need a response.
[00:09:20] I need. If you say you're going to do something, you do it. Or you tell me why you're not going to do it.
[00:09:28] I don't do good in gray. Like, again, it's a fuck yes or it's a no. There's no, it's a maybe.
[00:09:37] If it's a maybe, then I'm going to meet you in the maybe, but you're not going to get my fuck yes. And I think that's the thing that I have to process too. Like, if it's a maybe, if it's a not a fuck yes, then that's okay. Like, that is. That is valid. But then you don't get my fuck yes. And I don't know, I'm not good. I don't know how to behave in the maybe. I don't know how to behave in the gray. I don't know.
[00:10:08] Because to me, that just kind of like a no.
[00:10:20] So I thought as I was talking about this story, I thought about, there's. There's this.
[00:10:34] I owned a house. I own a house. But I recently moved and I had a sprinkler guy. My ex husband recommended him. He was great. He would come in the spring and the fall and he would, you know, power up my sprinklers, turn my sprinklers off, do all the sprinkler things. I call him Sprinkler Dude. He's Sprinkler dude in my phone. That's not his name, but Sprinkler Dude. And I, I thought he was really. He was cute, he's really nice, he's funny. And he remembered, like, he remembers my kids and my kids names and he has kids, like similar ages. And so like, we would only see twice a year, maybe, maybe three times if there was a problem. But he was always just a really, like, nice, genuine guy. So I don't know. Three years ago, he was fixing a leak I had and I was making jambalaya. Yes, I make really good jambalaya. And I left him a container outside of his truck with a note, like a sticky note that just like, thanks for your hard work. Like, enjoy.
[00:11:45] Like, and I was just, I was being nice. It was a little flirty. There was a little like, ulterior motive there. But more like I was just being a nice human.
[00:11:54] He's texted me, like, thanks for the jambalaya. Like, anyways, the next year comes, I see him and I'm like, tracy, Just ask him out. You have nothing. You have nothing to lose. So I asked. I sent him. Okay, again, I. I do rely on texts. Okay, So I will say I'm definitely text heavy. I sent him a text, and I was like, hey, I think you're cute, and you seem super funny, and, like, I'm interested. Would you like to go on a date? Would you like to go grab a drink?
[00:12:27] I can't. Exactly. Again, you guys, this is a couple years ago. Remember his response? But he essentially did not respond, or responded with, like, no, but it was more of a ghosting thing. Like, I. No. Like, I'm not there. I don't know. Anyways, I got shut down. That's all that matters. That's fine. Like, he wasn't interested. No problem, Sprinkler. Dude, thank you for your help. So we. He comes back last fall, right before I was moving, and he has to shut down my sprinklers. And I get a text after, and he's like, I'd like to take you to dinner.
[00:13:11] And I think, like, I did respond something snarky of like, oh, if you're finally coming around. Like, I asked you out a year ago, and you're finally coming around, but, sure, like, let's have dinner.
[00:13:21] And I didn't know, like, is it a date? Is it not a date? Is it a B. Like, I. I don't know. I don't know what it is. So. And I had, like, tried to bring him into some other, like, commercial jobs. Anyways, he takes me. He suggests a chain steakhouse. So I get there, and he's late, and he comes in with this, like, kind of fury of, like, just purpose and not a lot. He doesn't want to know anything about me. He talks a lot about my ex, and. And I'm like, I'm so fucking confused because, like, I asked you out, you know, I wanted to go out with you, and I don't know what this is.
[00:14:07] And, you know, I asked him during dinner. I was like, so, like, how's dating Ben? Or, like, what are you looking for? You know? And he's like, oh, I'm not dating. I.
[00:14:20] I don't want to date until my kids are out of school. Which is fine. Zero judgment. But I'm, like, really confused. Then, like, so it's a no.
[00:14:32] It's not a fuck yes. It's a no. Why are you. Why are you wasting my time? Why are we. I mean, I don't need somebody to take me out for dinner. What are we doing? And it Was just like this awkward, horrible, non date date. And like, he walked me to my car and like, that's nice, but any friend, if I'm having dinner with you, any friend, like, I'm gonna hug, I'm gonna hug and I'm gonna like, thanks for dinner. It was great to see you.
[00:15:08] Let's do like, I don't know, he just walked me to the car and kind of waved like it was a no. So why pretend to be a yes when you're a no?
[00:15:22] Why to pretend to be even a medium yes.
[00:15:26] I don't know why this conversation made me think of that, but, like, sprinkler dude, like, I was in. I liked you. Like, I would have.
[00:15:37] I mean, it wasn't a yes, but it maybe could have been.
[00:15:42] Oh, my gosh. So, yeah, I don't know what I'm going to do necessarily about Sam. I obviously am going to have a conversation with him and we're gonna work through whatever it is. But it made me realize, like, I'm not being crazy. It's just my expectations and it's just the way that I think and that I, I act.
[00:16:07] And not everybody knows that, even somebody who knows me. So I, I, I need to lay that out. But I really do just want somebody that can meet me where I am, that understands my energy and understands, like, if I'm in, you've got me. Like, I'm not going anywhere.
[00:16:28] I'm, I'm here for it, you know, and, and when in business, when you're. Yes. And you're committed to something and it doesn't go right or you have to, like, you know, like, not everything goes according to plan and you have to start over or whatever. It's, I'm okay with that. And I, and I know relationships, it's a lot harder for me.
[00:16:56] And it's harder for me to say, fuck yes, but that's really what I want and that's what I want from somebody. So I think it's out there.
[00:17:08] I know it is. I just hope, you know, when I said I have hope also with hope comes fear, comes the ability to get hurt.
[00:17:24] And I kind of feel like that's where I am. Like I'm, I was hopeful and now the hope is a little less.
[00:17:34] It's not gone, but it's less.
[00:17:41] My therapist did remind me, I'm not dead, you're not dead. And that I, that it's good to have hope. And even if it doesn't pan out, I'm still capable of that again.
[00:17:54] So I Guess that's maybe my lesson for everyone today.
[00:17:59] All right, my funny. Not funny. I got back on fate. Well, I got on Facebook. Dating. I haven't been on it in years, but it's free.
[00:18:08] Yeah, it's about the same. But the thing about Facebook dating that I like is that you can see if you have common friends.
[00:18:16] So I. There's this guy. I should probably reach out to him. But I saw he was a friend of my sister's, and I wanted to be like, oh, well, if Alexis is your friend, you must be a decent guy. Like, she's a good human. So I'm more willing to, like, maybe invest in a conversation with you or like you.
[00:18:38] So that's kind of cool. My. My very first match. Guess. Guess what, guys. I got a hey, hey. But it gets better. I got a hey, sexy.
[00:18:51] I'm 45. I don't need a hey, sexy. I need something of any substance. Hey, sexy. I'm like, just leave me be. Like, what. What is the point of that? Like, am I supposed to be like, oh, my God, this guy, you guys, he said I was sexy. Like, no, no, it doesn't work. Come up with a new line.
[00:19:17] Hey, sexy.
[00:19:19] I did also like a guy that was a dog trainer, and I thought this guy might have potential, and he reached out to me, and I was gonna ask him, like, hey, we should get together. And just like, I need a dog trainer. I'll pay you. But, like, it gives us something to go do, and we can gauge if we like each other or whatever. And he sends me a message, I respond, and then he unmatches, and I just. It's. It's just the name of the game, and it's just exhausting, and I really, really don't want to do it. Um, and I think that's probably part of the reason I was, like, also really excited about Sam is that I'm just. I'm ready for somebody to be meaningful in my life, and I'm ready to love someone with all of me. And that just seems like such a hard task.
[00:20:15] But, yeah, wish me luck. I'm gonna. I'm. I'm. I'm staying on it. Like, we'll see. Maybe next week I'll have some stories for y'all. But anyways, I hope you guys or a fuck yes and stay a yes or just say no and move along.
[00:20:36] Thank you guys for listening. I hope you have a lovely day, and I will talk to you next week.
