Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Foreign.
[00:00:05] Hi there, it's Tracy. Welcome back to flirting after 40.
[00:00:09] So Happy belated 4th of July.
[00:00:13] I spent mine at a. Well the day before on the third at a park in the neighborhood with thousands of teenagers.
[00:00:28] I took my son and his friends and then my youngest son and his friend.
[00:00:34] And it was probably, I mean, I don't know, it was thousands of teenagers. It was like all like late middle school, early high school or high school. And I woo. It opened my eyes like I'm a girl. I wore just shorty shorts. And I'm not, this is not any dig on any, any girl, any woman.
[00:01:03] Your body, your choice, you can wear whatever you want.
[00:01:06] But like my kid like boys, you, you lose a little. Like I don't have the anxiety of like what are you leaving the house wearing?
[00:01:17] And I, I, I, if I felt like 90% of the girls were in really skimpy tops and booty shorts and then the shorts were folded like the button fly or the zipper, then unbuttoned and folded over like I guess like all patterns repeat themselves. Like my son is dressing like my dad with like the tall socks and the short shorts and the crocs or the, the slip ons with socks and, and these girls were dressing probably like how I wanted to dress.
[00:01:55] It's, it's just a little different when you're a parent and I'm, I'm trying.
[00:02:04] I mean I was, I was a good sport about it, but it definitely gives me anxiety. So that's how I spent it. And then on the 4th spent it with my friend at she boot Long school club but at her pool. And anyways, it was, it was a really relaxing, nice weekend. So I hope you guys had the same circling back from last episode when I was asking if what y' all thought about friends with benefits or a casual relationship after you've dated someone. I'm sure you guys were screaming at me in your cars or wherever. You listen to this and like, bad idea, Trace. Bad idea. Don't do it, don't do it. You've already like set a boundary. Like what the are you doing? You're right, you're right.
[00:02:59] You know, like.
[00:03:04] I, I knew I was right. Like you, like you can't do that. But maybe worth a try.
[00:03:12] I don't know. So.
[00:03:18] I just feel like by extending that invitation and extending the conversation that I am reinviting feelings and reinviting conversations and like I'm really, really empathetic. And I hate the fact that I have hurt J man and I hate like that he's angry, that he's sad.
[00:03:49] And I really, truly would love a friendship with him. I would really love that. But I think our one indiscretion, like.
[00:04:00] Like, it just opens the door.
[00:04:04] And it opens the door to texting, I don't know, a few times a day. It opens the door to, you know, the feelings. And I don't know. Like, I do know he's not my person, and he, I think, really loves me so much. And it's really, really hard to keep hurting someone, like, because I. I want him to be. But anyways, so I don't need to go into all of it. But you guys are right.
[00:04:48] Going from a relationship to friends with benefits or casual dating is probably not the best thing.
[00:04:58] And it's interesting because, like, we've been talking a little bit, and he has to go out of town for three months.
[00:05:05] Not three months, sorry. Three weeks. Four weeks, maybe. Like, maybe even five. And there's a gap in his trip where he needs somebody to watch his dog. And I love his dog. She's the best. And my dog. I've told you guys, like, my dog, like, I, I. The first time we broke up, I was like, the thing. I think I'm saddest. Saddest, Most sad about is that my dog Freddie, and she won't be able to, like, hang out anymore.
[00:05:32] So I'm happy to watch his dog.
[00:05:35] More than happy. Like, I'm. I'm really looking forward to it.
[00:05:39] But he came over this weekend to share some thoughts with me about his feelings and then.
[00:05:47] Which weren't good. They were just sad. And, you know, he wants.
[00:05:57] He wants to be the person that can love me, how I want to be loved. And I don't think he is.
[00:06:06] And so it was a very, like, it's just a sad conversation, but.
[00:06:10] And I. I was like, I don't think us talking is helping, so I don't think we should talk.
[00:06:18] Not laughing about that. But then he's like, well, I kind of have a favor. Can you watch my dog?
[00:06:25] And here's a key to my house. And I've never had. It's been a year, and I have never had a key to his house. Um, and now we're broken up, and now he wants me to watch his dog, and it's sad. And then he gives me a key, and it just felt like.
[00:06:42] I don't know. It was a very weird situation.
[00:06:47] So now I have a key, and we're not talking.
[00:06:56] I don't know. I don't know.
[00:06:59] Anyways, we're going to move on because Taylor Swift got married.
[00:07:06] TNT okay, I'm not. I think I've told you guys this before, but I am not a swifty.
[00:07:13] I am not, like, I don't follow them. I just saw it, you know, on social media. But what I did see on social media, it was like a post about it. And it was about that her getting married makes romantic women. It ro. It, like, validates the romantic woman and the hope that many of us feel.
[00:07:39] And I was like, yes, because I.
[00:07:43] I feel like Taylor Swift.
[00:07:47] I like, you know, Taylor wrote about all these. And sing about all these, like, horrible experiences, all these horrible men.
[00:07:56] About how she just wants this deep true love, this meaningful love. And now she's found it, or we think she's found it. Like, we don't know. I mean, like, who knows? But at the moment, right now, it gives all of us people, I'm not just going to say women, people that believe in this big, amazing love hope.
[00:08:23] Because if, well, me, Taylor Swift. But if Taylor can find it, we can find it.
[00:08:28] I know, I know we're not the same.
[00:08:34] But seriously, you guys like it does. It, like, encourages the dreaming.
[00:08:44] And I'm not. I'm not done with that. I'm not giving up. I'm not.
[00:08:49] We got lots of roadblocks. We have lots of learning opportunities in corporate speak.
[00:08:59] But I'm going to take a little bit of Taylor with me in these next couple months and channel that, because why not?
[00:09:08] I mean, but why not?
[00:09:15] All right, So I think, I don't know how many of you have heard about Burn the Haystack.
[00:09:33] This is a group that was created several years ago, but I had to look back.
[00:09:40] It started as a Facebook group and I joined in January of 2025.
[00:09:48] So I've been a part of this Facebook group for a year and a half, and I have not posted. I have not contributed in any way to this group, but.
[00:09:58] And I apologize to the author, Gina Young, if I mess this up. But I was introduced to the group as, like, here, like, you should join. There's some, like, tips and tricks of navigating online dating profiles.
[00:10:17] And so I've just kind of watched along for the last year and a half.
[00:10:24] But she wrote a book and I bought the book.
[00:10:28] And last Sunday I read the entire book. Let's see. It is.
[00:10:38] I'm gonna just, you know, just for. For validation and to let you guys know, like, 286 pages. 286. Like, I, like, couldn't stop Reading it. Okay. On the back of the book it says, meet the rhetoric professor who can break your cycle of dating App disappointment.
[00:10:56] This author has studied patterns of language and profiles that lead to relationships, applying to dating sites the kind of close reading that scholars typically reserve for poems.
[00:11:09] And one of the first things that I earmarked in the book was like, kind of how the book is derived. It's an antidote to being gas lit. Gaslighted.
[00:11:22] Sorry, I'm a really bad reader. Don't ever. Like, my worst fear in elementary school was like, or middle school or high school was having to read aloud. So sorry.
[00:11:33] It's the. It's the antidote to being gaslighted by the dating apps, by men, by ourselves. It's the antidote to being driven to madness by the very, very challenges of trying to date in the digital era.
[00:11:50] So she's going to help us. She's going to help us. She's going to help me. So I was like, I need to read this whole book now.
[00:11:57] Not necessarily necessarily because I want to be dating now, but like, I want a date with better intention.
[00:12:06] I want. I thought what I learned from J Man also is like, he was not someone that I would necessarily have, like, chosen, and he was amazing.
[00:12:20] And this idea of the burn the haystack is, imagine a pile of hay and there's a needle in there.
[00:12:27] That needle is your true love.
[00:12:30] How. How in the hell do you find the fucking needle?
[00:12:35] Well, you got to burn it down. You got to burn through all the bullshit because at the end, when it's all gone, your needle will be there. So how do you, in terms of online dating, burn through all the bullshit? Burn through the hay.
[00:12:54] And gosh, I want to say there are 20.
[00:12:59] No, 30. 32. 30. 32. 32 antidotes.
[00:13:07] And that you should practice and we should practice together to burn it down.
[00:13:17] And this idea is that, again, like, I haven't read the book multiple times. I am not an expert, but the idea is to block, to burn. So if someone comes at you with one of these horrible patterns, you block them.
[00:13:36] We don't need to give them other chances. We don't need to educate them.
[00:13:42] We.
[00:13:44] We are amazing and powerful women. We can just shut this shit down. We don't have to apologize for it.
[00:13:52] We don't have to fight them. We don't have to debate it.
[00:13:56] And that, that to me alone is worth the book is this idea of, like, I don't owe a stranger an apology because he was an asshole, he was offensive, and now I don't want to talk to him anymore. I don't owe him anything, so why wouldn't I just block him?
[00:14:20] Yet in my life, in my dating life, I have given so many chances. Or I am like, I don't want to be the bitch. I don't want to be rude. Fucking be rude.
[00:14:31] Like, we don't owe these men anything.
[00:14:37] So this. This book is pretty much about that also. Like, it was really good about, like, create boundaries, and I'm really good at boundaries. But, like, don't.
[00:14:51] If you have dating apps, don't have them.
[00:14:58] Help me, guys. Like, interrupt. Like, you don't need any notifications.
[00:15:02] Like, spend 10 to 15 minutes a day on a dating app unless you're, like, in some conversation with somebody. But, like, don't be scrolling for three hours.
[00:15:11] Don't let you know a new, like, take you away from your work or what you were doing that day. Like, and I was like, oh, my God. I. I was like, kind of all consumed by it before, and it's exhausting. And I think that's why we get burnt out is like, if I'm on a dating app for two hours, like, that's two hours I'm not having to myself or working or with my kids.
[00:15:37] So I'm like, oh, I'm gonna get on.
[00:15:42] And. And. And I really am not interested in dating. But, like, I want to, like, put some of this to practice, and I'm gonna get on, create a profile, and spend 10, 10, 10 hours, just. Jesus, 10 minutes a day.
[00:15:59] And, like, try to find some of these patterns.
[00:16:02] So the first pattern we're only gonna. I'm. I'm like, maybe we could do like, one a day or one a week.
[00:16:11] Is this test and apologize pattern.
[00:16:15] And these men. And. And. And I'm. I can't wait to, like, go through and find profiles that are. Or. Or men that text this and do the same thing. So it's like, in her book, she just quotes Jim, hello, how are you? Is getting a boner looking at someone's photo a compliment?
[00:16:38] One minute later, Jim, I'm sorry. That was inappropriate. Well, that was inappropriate. While you look like you have a sense of humor, and I'm not going to read her book, but it's this test to her point. Test and apologize. Like, let me say something crass. Let me say something inappropriate and see how you respond. And if. And then I'm going to apologize for being who I really am and reel you back in.
[00:17:05] Like, your response should be like, oh, Jim, thanks so much. You're so sweet. No, you're a fucking asshole. Block, block, block.
[00:17:18] Lesson one.
[00:17:20] So, like, as we're seeing these patterns of these men that test and apologize, like, that's a red flag. Don't do it. Don't go for it. And like, I, like, remember the story where I was like, I was at a, at a party, a sex party, and the guy left me. And then the guy was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry, I feel so bad. And, oh, my God, let me bring you food. And.
[00:17:50] And I was like, oh, like, am I the asshole?
[00:17:54] Oh, my God. Tracy, test and apologize. Block the.
[00:18:00] Like, why.
[00:18:04] Why do we give multiple chances to shitheads like that?
[00:18:11] So I'm really excited to explore this book with you guys. And like, I have. I'm not attached to, like, I, I don't know, affiliate. I'm not anything of like that. But check it out because Truly, like, I think it's gonna change my life.
[00:18:30] All right, so now that I'm back on a dating app, I might have more funnies.
[00:18:39] I have a handful today, but this one I actually saw today. Truly, like, on my own.
[00:18:46] Like, I don't even know what to make of this.
[00:18:49] Dating me is like eating gummy worms with no teeth on a bareback camel ride.
[00:19:00] Yeah.
[00:19:01] Does anybody know what that means?
[00:19:04] Like, I really don't, like, at all.
[00:19:11] Like, you're gonna choke. Like, is it, is it a sexual, like, no teeth? I don't know.
[00:19:18] Is he the gummy worm?
[00:19:21] Like, I.
[00:19:23] I'm so confused.
[00:19:25] This guy says, I go crazy for a good girl that still likes to have fun.
[00:19:31] Jimmy, you're like 60 years old, a good girl.
[00:19:35] That makes me want to throw up.
[00:19:38] This guy in hinge. It's like you can like say you're long, you're looking for a long term, short term, casual relationship. Whatever.
[00:19:49] This guy says he's looking for a long term relationship open to short.
[00:19:55] And then he says, what does this really mean?
[00:19:58] Question mark? I'm looking for a physical and intellectual connection for however long it may, it's mutually beneficial.
[00:20:06] Allan.
[00:20:07] Allan is 51, looking for a real woman, 18 to 45.
[00:20:15] Alan, you're 51. You want an 18 year old? Are you okay? Allan, looking for a real woman, 18 to 45. But like, okay, sorry. Like, why can't you date a woman? You're old. You're not your old age. Because I'm like your age, though.
[00:20:32] Gross. Okay, look at a real woman, 18 to 45, family oriented, desperate, and a little bit nutty. Wants to be A stay at home mom. Prides herself on running a great home for her husband and children.
[00:20:48] Likes to sing and dance with her guy in the kitchen. Loves to travel, swims. Looks great in a bikini or black mini or even better, just my dress shirt. Loves children.
[00:21:01] No career woman need apply.
[00:21:03] If you can complete this phrase a man a way to a man's heart is dota dot.
[00:21:11] You have the right mindset. Women apply.
[00:21:20] Oh God. I just would love, I would love to have insight into what the responses are for him.
[00:21:31] So gross.
[00:21:32] So gross.
[00:21:34] And if you're an 18 year old woman thinking to applying to a 51 year old gross misogynistic man, please call me because I will find many other options for you like a career.
[00:21:51] All right, you guys, I feel like I again, I feel like I was a little all over the place again, but I don't know, I'm, I'm excited for this next chapter. I am encouraged by reading this book.
[00:22:07] I, I don't know, I feel like I am actually in a really good place. So again, thank you for joining me on this journey and I hope you guys have an amazing week. I'll talk to you next week. Bye.
