Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Foreign.
[00:00:04] Hi there, it's Tracy. Welcome to flirting after 40.
[00:00:09] So this is episode 20 and I read a stat that said only 1% of podcasters make it past episode 20.
[00:00:22] Don't cite me on that. I don't remember where I read it or heard it, but if that's true, this is pretty exciting. It means that I have been doing this for almost half a year.
[00:00:35] It means that like I've committed to myself and to everybody else to keep this going.
[00:00:46] So I'm going to take a moment, celebrate and just thank you guys for listening.
[00:00:55] I really, really appreciate it. I received some feedback this last weekend from friend in California who I haven't seen her in years and she sent me a note like that she's really enjoying it and that was huge. And then I received a note from a guy I went to high school with.
[00:01:17] I, I prime, I like primarily remember him from middle school and he sent me a really nice message about just pretty much like around perseverance and just keep doing what you're doing and hustling and that he thinks it's really cool. So that kind of stuff just like it gives me the warm and fuzzies and it makes me happy that there are people that find joy in listening to this. And I think both of those people are not single and are married. And I think whether you're single, you're married, whatever your situation is, I think there's a lot that I share that we all relate to and it might not be exactly where you are in your life, but it may might take you back or might give you a different perspective. So I just, I wanted to say thank you.
[00:02:17] So today I am off to a date with Sam. Later today he is in town and I'm excited but I say that with hesitation because I just, I don't know what to expect and I think I, I just don't do well with like not knowing.
[00:02:46] I, I'm sure I'm. I am 100% sure we will have a good time.
[00:02:51] But is it just a good time and a catch up and I'll see you another 17 years?
[00:02:57] I think that might be just what it is. Or is it a good time and so let's see where this goes.
[00:03:06] I, I kind of don't think that's where we're going here, but I could be totally wrong.
[00:03:14] And you guys are along for the journey so I will keep you posted.
[00:03:18] We're gonna meet for some drinks and we'll see how it goes.
[00:03:23] I'll make sure to walk my dog in case I don't come home till later.
[00:03:34] So I had this idea and I've been kind of a hermit lately. And you're probably. And I think this, I think to myself, this, like, Tracy, you're doing a podcast to ultimately try to find love.
[00:03:50] I mean, at the end of the day, that would be my goal. I mean, I love sharing my stories, but if I had to pick what I would like as an outcome, that that is it.
[00:04:01] And I don't go out.
[00:04:03] I haven't been on a single date since I started this, which is kind of ridiculous because I'm doing a dating podcast.
[00:04:20] Yeah, I think it's time to change that. And. And I. I've been low energy, I think.
[00:04:27] I don't know, it's just life feels kind of hard right now.
[00:04:34] So I have not been motivated to go do different things, go meet different people.
[00:04:40] Like, I've been online a little bit, but I haven't actually been really pursuing things.
[00:04:45] So I'm gonna say this.
[00:04:49] I'm gonna try to do 25 dates by the end of the year, and that's not that many.
[00:04:56] And what I'm going to consider a date is actually, you know, with a human or don't worry, it's not going to be like a toy or something. Or like, if I don't have a date, like if I. I'm really struggling with the online thing.
[00:05:12] Trying to go to a place that puts me in an opportunity to meet somebody with the intent of, like, potentially meeting someone.
[00:05:23] Not just like a work event where I'm going to sit around with the girls, but like actually going, even if it's to a bar by myself and hoping to meet someone.
[00:05:36] Going to a singles event, going to a speed dating event, I have to put a little bit more effort in and I'm not sure I will hit 25, but seeing as I have a date lined up for today, that will be one.
[00:05:53] So I'm off to a good start.
[00:05:59] So 25 dates of 2025.
[00:06:04] I'm gonna do it. So I'm gonna keep you guys posted on it.
[00:06:09] So what women want?
[00:06:13] So today.
[00:06:15] Well, this whole last week, work wise, I think I told you guys I work in construction project management. But work wise, it's been a kind of a shit show.
[00:06:25] There's been a lot of big feelings and hurt feelings. And I mean, that comes with working with people.
[00:06:34] Just, we're all human.
[00:06:36] We all take things out of context. We all have our own shit going on.
[00:06:42] And, you know, we may take something a little bit Harsher than it was intended for or a little, you know, we may manipulate it a little bit.
[00:06:54] And today I was talking with, you know, my partner in work and we were talking about just, just like how we kind like feel gaslit a little bit. And this is by men or, you know, men in general, but a specific man, but how he was hurt by or felt attacked by a conversation we had.
[00:07:24] And my. I'm just going to talk. For me, my reaction was, well, I felt blindsided by the information I was provided. And I feel like somebody dumps something on you and it is your job to process it.
[00:07:42] And then if you get upset or, and I didn't even get upset, but if you question it, then you're being combative and then their feelings are hurt or they're upset by your response.
[00:08:02] So they are upset about my response to something they delivered.
[00:08:11] Okay. I'm not a therapist. I just feel like there has to be back and forth. There has to be a conversation around it. And if you deliver news to me that I'm not prepared for and you don't like my reaction, like, I can understand that, that, that conversation, but there needs to be a conversation and not just like I feel attacked. Well, I felt attacked. I felt attacked by, by being blindsided.
[00:08:41] And so it got me thinking a little bit like, what, what are we really looking for? And maybe this is why I haven't been on dates in a long time. Because what I'm looking for seems to be non existent. And I'm not saying it's. It is non existent. I'm just saying there's examples in like my work life and in my friend life and things like that that just kind of squash the dreams of what I'm looking for. I also had a conversation this, this weekend with a friend and you know, she was saying that, that she is really just looking for a person that can show up for her that is a team member, is compassionate, not someone, you know necessarily like you meet and you have butterflies and amazing sex. Like, well, that would always be amazing as well. Okay, y' all, I'm old, so I need my glasses.
[00:09:48] I found this on Instagram. It said when asked why she's happily, why she's happy single, she replied, a man in your house isn't the same as a man of the house.
[00:10:01] One occupies space. Sleeping in your bed, eating your meals, enjoying your care. The other builds with you, protecting, providing and sharing the load.
[00:10:12] She won't settle for someone who just exists in her life.
[00:10:15] She waits for a true partner. One who matches her effort, values, her dreams and strengths, strengthens her world, not just inhabits it.
[00:10:25] Until then, she's whole on her own. The unwavering woman of her own house.
[00:10:33] Do most truly grasp a difference between presence and partnership?
[00:10:38] Like, presence are or partnership?
[00:10:43] Like, that's the thing. Like, I want a partner. And I think that's the core of what today is about. Like, women, I'm generalizing, want a partner.
[00:10:58] So we say women, you know, we want tall, funny, employed, like, manly. These are things that I say I even want. Like, I do. But what does that really mean? So, yeah, we're saying, you know, we want tall, dark and handsome. We want this funny, employed, manly man, bad boy, maybe, but not really.
[00:11:21] But really, what it comes down to is a partnership.
[00:11:26] And I excel. I, I, I, I believe I excel at my job.
[00:11:35] And I have great, great partnerships.
[00:11:39] And that's what I build new work on, that's what I build my brand on, is the partners that I create, the relationships I make.
[00:11:50] So what do you think? Really, what women want?
[00:11:53] Okay, tall, you guys, I was in town visiting my sister and her husband a couple weeks ago. It was in Michigan.
[00:12:01] And he asked me, why do you only date tall guys?
[00:12:07] And I looked at him and I was like, I don't only date tall guys.
[00:12:13] I have no, I have no qualms about your height.
[00:12:17] Like, please. Okay, never mind. I take that back. I have a little bit. Please be taller than me. And I'm five foot, five foot one.
[00:12:27] Please be a little taller than me. Yes, I do. Okay, I do want a little taller than me, but I, I tend to end up with these really tall guys. Like, my ex husband was six, four.
[00:12:39] I don't know. I don't know why that happens. Maybe they're attracted to short girls. Like, so I'm taking tall off the table. But let's talk about this. I say I want a man that makes me laugh.
[00:12:50] You know what I do? I want humor. I want banter.
[00:12:53] But what does that really mean? Like, it means to lighten the, the hard moments. I want a dude that you have a hard day and they know, they know where to poke or where to play and, and they don't take it. Like, they can lighten up those moments.
[00:13:18] They can create joy. They can help create joy for you.
[00:13:24] That's what I say. And maybe I need to be clearer when I'm like, writing my dating profile to say, not, like, I want good banter and a man that can make me laugh. Maybe I need to say, like, I want Somebody that knows how to create joy.
[00:13:38] And I want someone that knows how to lighten up those hard moments.
[00:13:43] I also want someone who's confident. What does that mean?
[00:13:48] It doesn't mean a naked selfie in the fucking gym.
[00:13:54] It means, like, I want someone that doesn't crumble when I challenge them. I want someone that has confidence without ego.
[00:14:03] Like, I want someone that doesn't need to control me to feel like they're in power, like, or they're powerful, like, controlling isn't power.
[00:14:17] That's what we mean.
[00:14:20] And ladies, feel free to chime in if I'm wrong.
[00:14:24] I want somebody who's emotionally available.
[00:14:28] I can. I can hear the size.
[00:14:31] I can feel the eye rolls of men.
[00:14:34] When I say emotionally available, like, I. I'm not asking you to sit here and cry during, you know, every movie we watch. But what I do want is someone that can respect my feelings and manage their own feelings. That someone I don't have to, like, be your mom, your therapist for.
[00:14:57] I want somebody that, like, makes me, you know, feel safe.
[00:15:05] That's what I mean by emotionally available. I want. And I. I want somebody that's able to listen and talk constructively with me, because, you know, that that was. Back to the story of, like, today. A little bit, like, I get work and dating is not the same thing, but emotionally available and high emotional intelligence, it means that you can handle those hard conversations without it becoming like scissors to your relationship. It means, like, we can have a conversation and necessarily, not necessarily agree on exactly everything. But I can see your point. You can see my point, and we can converse about it.
[00:15:52] My friend did send me this today, too. And I think this is, like, the most perfect summary of where I am in my life and where I think a lot of women in their 40s are.
[00:16:05] We are emotionally intelligent enough to take responsibility for our actions and financially responsible enough to pay for therapy.
[00:16:16] Like, that is the most perfect thing I've read in months.
[00:16:21] Because if I'm not, like, if I have a hard time with something or if I know that I'm not dealing with something the way I want to show up for something or, like, I'm just concerned or anything, I fucking go to therapy. And I know not everybody has the means and methods to do that, but you guys, like, emotionally intelligent enough to take responsibility for our actions.
[00:16:47] At the end of the day, I think that's really what women want, and that's what people want in their relationships, is that each other. We're. We're responsible for our own actions.
[00:17:04] You guys, that's not. That's not a big ask. And that's not that hard.
[00:17:08] I don't think it is, but it feels hard. And I. I think the idea of me wanting to date feels hard because I don't see it. I just.
[00:17:18] I don't see it in people.
[00:17:21] And I have a friend, and this is probably for another time as well, but I have a friend who is married, and he and I get along really well.
[00:17:35] And he likes me and I like him. And maybe our situation would be different if he wasn't married.
[00:17:44] But he is.
[00:17:47] But he wants it all.
[00:17:50] He wants his life with his wife and his kid, and he wants me in his life because I see him and I show up for him.
[00:18:06] But he's not taking responsibility for his actions.
[00:18:12] He just wants it all. And that is not somebody that, like, I would choose. I. I can't choose to change my life for.
[00:18:22] I can't choose, like, we all have to show up how we can.
[00:18:31] I just, I. I have such an ownership in being authentically who I am all the time that it's really hard for me when people aren't.
[00:18:47] And while you might say you're authentic in this bucket, but you're. You're not truly living authentically.
[00:18:55] You're not truly taking responsibility for your life. You're.
[00:19:01] And for your actions, people. Because if you did, you wouldn't be where you are anyways.
[00:19:12] Also a good job. I want a guy with a good job.
[00:19:18] That doesn't mean you have money. I mean, it would be great if you had stability. But it means.
[00:19:25] It means I want somebody with drive.
[00:19:28] I want somebody that works hard.
[00:19:34] It's not about your title. It's. It's about how you think about things.
[00:19:40] I want the person that wants to continually improve.
[00:19:45] And when I say a good job, that's. That's what I mean. Now these are. These are four things.
[00:19:51] Good job, emotionally available, confident, makes me laugh. That I really think most people want, most women want.
[00:20:02] And I don't feel like it should be that hard.
[00:20:10] Sorry. Today's a rant, I guess, but it's. It's just kind of hard sometimes to find the motivation to keep going out there when you're not met with that.
[00:20:25] So, guys, please listen. Please listen. Please, please show up. Like, I'm. I'm also happy to have that conversation with anyone, what that looks like.
[00:20:37] Anyways, thank you for letting me rant.
[00:20:41] And if you know someone, they can check those four boxes, please let me know.
[00:20:49] Like, I. I would love to meet Them. Okay, so our funny for today. I have a couple.
[00:20:55] Like I told you, I back. I'm back on the dating apps a little bit.
[00:21:00] This guy is just. I sound like my. My middle schooler. Cringe.
[00:21:05] This is not funny. This is just kind of gross.
[00:21:08] Dating in your 40s is a lot like looking for a parking spot. All the good ones are taken and the rest are either handicapped or. Or just far away.
[00:21:18] Wow. Dude, that's.
[00:21:21] That's a way to get a woman reminder that men don't like it when you're friendly with other guys. You're supposed to make other guys jealous of your man, not your man jealous of other men.
[00:21:33] Well, I think there's much fucking ivan here. You're 48, dude.
[00:21:40] Wow.
[00:21:42] Wow, that's like pretty atrocious. Do you think somebody's gonna respond to that?
[00:21:48] This is my funny. You guys like this. This actually exists out there. Like, this is where I'm like, I can't.
[00:21:57] I have such a hard time. Okay, All I can say is don't be weird. If you're in your party phase, don't bother with me. I don't deal well with drunks, period. Comma, let's talk about punctuation. Anyways, other than that, I do enjoy hiking and lifting weights. Judo. Lots and lots of judo. No, I'm not going to take you out to an expensive restaurant on our first date.
[00:22:22] If that's you, I'm afraid you're starving that night.
[00:22:25] Also, if you don't have a picture of yourself, I'm going to assume you're hideous. Okay, I'm giving the guy some props for that because maybe.
[00:22:33] And one last thing, I like my women without penises.
[00:22:39] This guy is also 48. Like, this is. This is what we're dealing with.
[00:22:47] And I just.
[00:22:52] It's so sad and so real that I think my hermitness is like, coming from that. Like, I don't even want to try. There's got to be somebody other than this.
[00:23:04] I did send my friend some half naked pictures of guys this week.
[00:23:11] You know, guys posting with their pants hanging off their hips and their undies showing.
[00:23:18] Sound like such a mom.
[00:23:19] I mean, and then like, this other guy like posted. He's like leaning.
[00:23:25] He's like leaning on his shoulder and he's like covering his nipple with his hand. And he's naked, staring into the camera.
[00:23:34] Yeah, and then, you know, the classic, let me take a selfie with my mirror and then let me show you this shit that is on my fucking bed behind me. And what a fucking goddamn slob. I am.
[00:23:48] I will pass. I'm really hoping the date goes well today.
[00:23:53] I'm gonna go change.
[00:23:56] Put on an optimistic attitude, and it'll be okay.
[00:24:04] I will be okay. It just.
[00:24:08] I feel like there's.
[00:24:12] It's not a big ask for the things that I'm looking for, but it feels really impossible.
[00:24:20] I don't know, you guys. Let me know what I. What you think. Let me know if you think I'm crazy, because maybe I am. Maybe my standards are way too high. I don't know.
[00:24:28] Or maybe I just haven't found the one yet.
[00:24:32] Anyways, have a lovely day. Thank you guys for listening. Episode 20.
[00:24:37] And I seriously, seriously, seriously appreciate all the love and all the listens. Thanks.
