Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Foreign.
[00:00:05] Hi there, it's Tracy. And welcome back to flirting after 40.
[00:00:10] So this morning I woke up to a text from one o' clock last night from guess who?
[00:00:21] Sam.
[00:00:22] Okay, let's just back up here a few minutes.
[00:00:26] Um, most of you remember, you know, I, my Mother's Day shut down where I blocked him.
[00:00:37] Remember he, he was, he couldn't even after spending a couple days with me, wish me a happy Mother's Day.
[00:00:48] And you know, I knew I was like, that's just, that is someone that clearly doesn't respect me, clearly doesn't understand how you treat someone.
[00:01:04] And I blocked him and I told him I had sent a text and I just said, I'm done. I wish you all the good things in life. I'm blocking you and moving on to my amazing life. Block.
[00:01:18] Um, I've only blocked a few people in my life. It's not something that I, I like to do. Um, I don't think it's normally something that's warranted. Um, I know I do have people that pop back up from time to time, but for me, blocking is just, I don't know, it's just like cutting all ties forever. Um, so anyways, I, I ended up unblocking him, I don't know, like a few days later because I was just like, I was done. I knew I was done and I knew there was no way he was going to be able to work back into my life in any capacity.
[00:01:59] Um, but I, I was really curious and, and I think I probably told you guys this. Like, I was really curious. Like, is he going to apologize? Like, if he really wanted to apologize to me, he, he knows where I live or he has my address, he has an email. Like, just because I block you on text doesn't, you know, phone doesn't mean he couldn't get a hold of me if he felt really bad and if he felt like, fuck, I really fucked up. And at a minimum, at a minimum, she deserves an apology for me wasting her time.
[00:02:38] He could have easily found me and got a hold of me and I was just kind of curious, like, when, when will he reach out again?
[00:02:46] Well, he reached out last night at 1 o' clock in the morning. I was sleeping because I.
[00:02:54] Oh no, it was.
[00:02:55] Sorry.
[00:02:57] I woke up to it. It was at 6 in the morning. Okay, that's even weirder because I figured he was just like drunk and it says, you still angry with me and blocking me?
[00:03:11] That's, that's the text.
[00:03:13] I text back.
[00:03:16] You've been, you've Been unblocked since two days after period.
[00:03:22] Do we think he apologized?
[00:03:25] Nope, nope, nope. We don't.
[00:03:28] In good old Sam fashion.
[00:03:31] Good to know.
[00:03:32] How are you? How was your summer?
[00:03:35] How about you go fuck yourself? That's what I want to say. Like, are you fucking kidding me? That after, I don't know, four or five months, whatever the fuck it's been, you want to pop back in and be like, oh, are you still mad at me? Am I blocked? And then, and then when I answer and say, no, you're not blocked. You still don't fucking apologize and you want to ask me how my summer is?
[00:03:56] No.
[00:03:57] Like, the absurdity of it, it just blows my fucking mind.
[00:04:07] I don't want to tell you how my summer was. I don't, I don't want to talk to you. I blocked you for a reason. I blocked you because I still was curious if you would apologize. And you still haven't apologized.
[00:04:22] So, no, I'm not responding. I'm not going to respond to how my summer was.
[00:04:29] And you could take that for whatever you want. I don't even owe you an explanation of it was good. Like, I was just gonna write back with like a thumbs up and I'm like, you don't even, I don't owe you that. I don't owe you anything.
[00:04:42] And the least of all, I, I, I don't. Why would I want to talk to you about anything?
[00:04:47] I mean, if you wanted to maintain our friendship or, you know, because really we were nothing more than friends, but, like, if you want, if that was important to you, you could go back and apologize and you, you could have apologized and you could not have waited four or five months to reach out. And when I do respond, you could apologize then.
[00:05:12] No.
[00:05:14] Done.
[00:05:15] Yeah. Go fuck yourself.
[00:05:18] All right, so that was my morning.
[00:05:22] Everything else is good. Nothing. No new updates on J Man. So I'm going to finish my lieutenant story.
[00:05:31] So the first episode, and, and this is, there's a warning here.
[00:05:37] This has to deal with sexual assaults.
[00:05:42] This deals with, I mean, a lot. So just trigger warning if you know, trigger warning for anyone that doesn't want to listen. I understand.
[00:05:55] So the first episode, I, I kind of told you, like, the ending of the story about broke into my house and assaulted me. And, and then two weeks ago, I told you guys about, like, how we started and we were in this poly relationship. He was married with other, he had another girlfriend at the time.
[00:06:17] And how I just, I, I, I didn't have good boundaries when I was in this relationship.
[00:06:28] And. Or I didn't love myself enough. I don't know. Like, we.
[00:06:37] I mean, we had a great time together, but, you know, our relationship was set up in such a way that I. I was one of his partners.
[00:06:50] I.
[00:06:52] You know, he was married. He would date other women.
[00:06:57] He eventually ended up breaking up with the woman that I met at our first meeting. But he would. He. He continued to want to date more people, and. And that's the way it was built. Was I okay with it? Yes, because that's. That was the dynamic of the relationship. Was I comfortable with it? No.
[00:07:21] Did I try to date other people, too? Yes.
[00:07:27] I.
[00:07:28] But I think if you would have asked me, you know, I don't know, four months into dating him or five months, like, if we were in a traditional relationship, what. I wouldn't be with him. I would have said yes. You know, I would want to be in a relationship with him.
[00:07:48] I would like to be exclusive with him at that point. But that was never on the table.
[00:07:54] And I was okay with that. I mean, based on where I was in my life, I was okay with that too.
[00:08:00] But we. We did. We had. We had some really great times.
[00:08:06] But, you know, I remember him want. Like, I could. I couldn't understand.
[00:08:15] And this is a part of what poly that I still really struggle with is like, I want to be somebody's person, you know, And I. I give a lot, and to give a lot and feel like it's not enough or still not enough that he has a wife, he has you, and he needs to still go find somebody else made me feel really inadequate. Maybe didn't feel good.
[00:08:41] And, And. But that's part of the poly thing, the pol. You know, like, not everything can be everybody. Everything to everybody, you know, or everyone or you. You know, I don't believe. And this is why I think we should have other friends and family.
[00:08:55] That one person can fulfill all your needs. I just don't think that's possible.
[00:09:00] You need other people. You need people. Like, I like to, I don't know, crochet or whatever. Like, I need people that like to maybe do that with me, you know, and you're not going to get that from a boyfriend. Like, there's different things in life that I think we have different people for, and it rounds us out and it makes us a better person.
[00:09:20] But with him, he would, like, he would date women and, you know, have sex or do whatever, and it just. I felt very empty.
[00:09:40] Like, it was. It wasn't. It wasn't cheating because he would Tell me. Like, oh. Or, you know, and it wasn't even the sex that bothered me. It was every single woman he would go on a first date with. He would bring flowers to.
[00:09:53] And I don't know, I, I thought like, well, maybe that was something special he did for me now and then, or he did it on our first date.
[00:10:03] It, it, it made the things that we had together feel less special.
[00:10:10] And anyways, this just kind of went on. There was one point and he went to the sex club with some girl he was dating. And this woman, Sorry, this woman he was dating actually was going through.
[00:10:27] She had found out she had breast cancer.
[00:10:29] And like, I, I, There was something so delicate about that in her that I was like, he has to be so kind and sweet and he, like, for her, like, how, and, and how will, how would I fit into this?
[00:10:55] That gave me a lot of anxiety. And then he ended up taking her to the sex club because at that time I had never gone and I was really not interested in going with him.
[00:11:06] I, I wasn't, I felt like this was something he had done with his ex wife, his ex girlfriend and some of like their friends and stuff, and they like that. This was like a, they would all play and have fun. And I was just like, that is not, that is not my scene.
[00:11:27] So I don't want to go. I wasn't comfortable going. So he took her.
[00:11:33] Yeah, that, like, I'm telling these stories and I'm looking back and I'm like, tracy, why.
[00:11:40] How did you stay in this as long as you did?
[00:11:48] I remember, and I'm not even sure if it's this one or another one, but like, driving home one time, like, I had seen him for dinner or something or lunch, I don't know, but like pulling over on the side of the road and physically getting sick because I was just like, what the? Like, what the.
[00:12:13] So he, he made the decision to ask for a divorce with his wife.
[00:12:23] And he and I were kind of already not really seeing a lot of each other and, and I drew a line. I was like, I don't want to even talk about it really, because I know her. I've been a part of your and hers life for, let's say a year.
[00:12:40] And I don't want, and I don't want to be any part of the reason that you're leaving your wife. Like, I wanted nothing to do with the equation.
[00:12:51] And it, because it wasn't my relationship, it was his relationship with her. And that's, that's so weird. And like, Then became the time when he was like, well, I just want to be with you.
[00:13:04] And I'm like, no. Like, no.
[00:13:08] We agreed, like, we entered this relationship as poly and, like, we built this relationship. Not just. Not around us, it was around you, your wife.
[00:13:22] I was just a.
[00:13:24] I was just a person here. Like, I felt like, yeah, like a backup singer, you know, like, you know, I'm here when you need me, but I'm not.
[00:13:39] We didn't build the band around that. Like, where. We built the band around that. Not about me, you know, coming forward and being your one and only.
[00:13:49] So at the time I had asked, I said, I think, you know, we need some space. Like, I. Like, it's a lot. You need to figure your shit out. I don't. I don't want to be a part of that. Like, and that's kind of where the end happened before he broke in to my house.
[00:14:10] And I want to say there was probably like two months in there of, you know, now and then texting, but, like, we weren't seeing each other, we weren't dating, we weren't.
[00:14:22] We weren't doing anything. So the. The break in and the assault, like, happened. And yeah, it. Like, I. I always am. Like, why didn't you change your door codes? Why you. Like, he could. You knew he could come in. Well, he was not.
[00:14:40] He was not in my life, and I trusted him and never thought that would happen.
[00:14:48] So after the assault, the next morning, even, like, he would not. He texted me, and I can't even remember how it went, but he texted me and was like, sorry about last night, like, it won't happen again. And I was like, that's it. Like, do you realize what you fucking did? Do you realize you broke into my house and assaulted me?
[00:15:14] And he was like, I wouldn't. I wouldn't go that far. Like, kind of like.
[00:15:19] And he wouldn't.
[00:15:22] He wouldn't, like, say the. What he had done. And it was very, like, a blanket, like, apology, which is not acceptable.
[00:15:35] So I went.
[00:15:36] I went probably two weeks after that back and forth of, do I report him? Do I file a police report and what happens?
[00:15:48] And seeing as he works for the sheriff and I don't have any proof, it's really my story against his, and he's in a position of power and it will just.
[00:16:10] And I. I don't know that there's a right answer because I. If. If I. If I'm my friend and I'm listening to my friend tell me this, I would be like, you better like, you need to go report this. Like, I'll go with you. Like, we can't let him get away with this. We can't let this happen again to someone else.
[00:16:29] But I just. I didn't. I. I truly was so scared of the outcome and of not being believed and that I. That I didn't. And, you know, I. I. After that, I tried.
[00:16:48] I, like, I tried meeting with him. We went to dinner once, which I'm. I'm still like, what the fuck are you doing, Tracy?
[00:16:56] Because I wanted. I wanted to have the conversation. And in the conversation, he was very remorseful. I want to say he cried. He was like, I'm so sorry for what happened. I'm so sorry for what I did.
[00:17:09] Like, I wouldn't blame you for reporting it.
[00:17:13] Which, like, also, he's a negotiator. I'm like, he was probably manipulating me anyways, I didn't report it.
[00:17:26] He then, like, I don't know, a couple weeks later, was applying to a job, a different job in.
[00:17:34] Outside of the sheriff's office and had listed me as a reference.
[00:17:40] Oh, my God.
[00:17:42] So I don't know. The director of Whomever reaches out to me and sends me this, like, document. Like, the lieutenant has listed you as a point of reference.
[00:17:56] Can you fill this out? And a lot of it was, you know, like, have you. Do you know of any drug use? No. Do you know of any, like, reason why this person would be unfit? Well, and then there was like, have you ever seen any violence or anything that would, like, be deemed, you know, unacceptable? I can't even remember how the question was worded. And I was like, you have to fucking be kidding me. You put me as a reference when you broke into. And, you know, you broke into my house and sexually assaulted me, and you now want me to speak on your character?
[00:18:36] Like, and, you know, I haven't filed a police report.
[00:18:40] And I, like, lost it. So I responded and I wrote out everything he did. I was like, I would not recommend this person. This is my experience. This is what he has done to me.
[00:18:56] You know, in there, I was very clear that I did not file a police report. However, you know, take it for what you want, but you should not use me as a reference.
[00:19:07] And I want to say he texted me, I don't know, and was like, like, I put you as a reference. Thank you. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? And I told him. I was like, do you know how. How it feels to, like, choose you lie for someone that was horrible to you? Or do you like, what. What am I supposed to do with that? And I told him. I'm like, no, I. I told them the whole story.
[00:19:38] And, you know, he was like, okay.
[00:19:43] They still offered him the job.
[00:19:49] And. And that. That's where I'm like, I should have reported it. I should have filed the police report, because I could. I still.
[00:19:57] I wrote it. I.
[00:19:59] And it wasn't. It. It didn't make him unqualified to be in law enforcement or to run a team of, I don't know, sergeants. I don't even know. Like, didn't matter.
[00:20:17] And it was just like a big fuck you, Tracy. Like.
[00:20:24] And I think that's, like, that's the part of the story that I hate the most. It's. It's. I mean, obviously I don't like any of it, but, like, the fact that when I chose to say something and stand up, that it was just swept under a rug.
[00:20:43] And that doesn't matter. I still think you're qualified. In what world is that? Okay, Anyways, it has been. God, probably like three years, four. Probably four years since I've met him.
[00:21:05] I haven't talked to him in two years.
[00:21:10] Like, I have moments where I'm. I've. Like, I'm not talking recently, but in that. Those. That time, those two years where I've. I missed him and where I've liked. Maybe he's got his shit together. Oh, my God, Tracy.
[00:21:28] And no, you know what? Like, and this is, you know, somebody shows you their colors, their true colors, believe them. Somebody tells you who they are, believe them.
[00:21:38] You know, like, I don't know why. And I'm generalizing women in this category, we want to fix things, or we want to find the best in someone or the best in a situation, or. I know that's what I do, but, um, he doesn't deserve any of that. And it's taken me a really long time and a lot of therapy to realize that and to realize that the relationship I chose to put myself in was really toxic.
[00:22:11] And.
[00:22:13] And that's not to mean that all poly relationships are. I. I know some that are really good. But, yeah, it was a phase, and I'm so glad I'm not in that phase anymore. And it makes me even more excited about J Man and what we're working to build, I guess, and his kindness and.
[00:22:46] I don't know, our ability to talk about things and laugh and have fun and I.
[00:22:54] Yeah, so that's. That's my story.
[00:22:59] It's not a good one, but I think it's important to share. And I.
[00:23:04] I know a lot of us have struggled or had.
[00:23:09] Had things like this happen to us, and, you know, we keep it locked up. We don't talk about it a lot.
[00:23:17] I only talk to a few people about it.
[00:23:21] But, you know, the more I've grown and the stronger I've gotten, the easier it is to talk about it. And I don't have as much. Like, I still have shame around it, like I caused something, but it's so much better. And so, yeah, I just felt like it was a very important thing to share with you guys.
[00:23:45] So I'm not gonna go into a funny today because it just doesn't feel like a funny topic. Doesn't feel like time for that. But I will be back next week with lots of fun, and please, please again share your stories with me. I just.
[00:24:04] Things are going well, so, like, I'm gonna run out of snarky shit to talk about unless, you know, guys I've dated keep texting me and not apologizing.
[00:24:18] Anyways, you guys, I really appreciate you. Thank you again and have an amazing week.
