Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Foreign.
[00:00:05] Hi there, it's Tracy. And welcome back to flirting after 41. Little housekeeping thing. I am working on a newsletter and I've also been working on greeting cards that follow my kind of this podcast vibe.
[00:00:29] So like snarky, slightly inappropriate, funny, good vibes. And if you guys are interested in the newsletter or the cards, please, please check out flirting after 40 dot com.
[00:00:45] It's been a little passion project. The cards for me for the last year. I started them and, and I started on Etsy and I'm still on Etsy, but I've also have my own store now.
[00:00:58] And the thing that I have found is that I learned, I've learned a lot about how to price things, how to market things, what sells, what doesn't sell. I just on my site added some funny stickers.
[00:01:15] Yeah. So anyway, so please, if you guys are interested, check it out. I was also thinking with the newsletter, I get a lot of texts and people reaching out asking, you know, like, if I describe a scenario, if I'm reading a bad profile, like, oh my gosh, I want to see the picture. Like, I will incorporate some of the funnies into the newsletter like once a month. Not a bunch of spam, whatever. But if you guys are interested, interested, please check it out. Please sign up. I would love to, I would love, love, love to send you guys things.
[00:01:48] Yeah. And I would love feedback as to like if you think like the cards are funny or not.
[00:01:56] Okay, so an update from last week.
[00:02:01] Last week was a very emotional week. I spent the whole episode talking about my ex husband not showing up for my son's continuation.
[00:02:11] And now I know what the word is. Continuation, not graduation, but.
[00:02:15] And it's been, it's been actually one of the hardest weeks I've had in a really long time about this. Because of this and, and truly, like he and I have a very, like, we have been divorced for eight years now and I would say a really good co parenting groove and a good relationship, but this really just, it really took me down.
[00:02:51] Um, and so after the episode last week, I just want to catch you guys up.
[00:02:57] I, I texted him because I'm me. And, and, and truly, like when we were married, I didn't advocate, advocate for myself or my kids as much as I'm trying to do now. Like, I was just like, I just did it.
[00:03:17] And even through the divorce it was like I was like, I'm not happy, but like, you could be whoever you want to be, but I'm not here to parent you. I, I don't Know, I.
[00:03:31] But you know what? Like that.
[00:03:33] Him not showing up really, it was really. It really broke my heart. So I sent him a text and I thought my text was very, very diplomatic.
[00:03:48] I'm going to read you guys my text. And I sent two pictures of the day to him and I said, I have to say this and I don't need a response and we don't need to talk about it.
[00:03:58] You really messed up today. Forgetting to come and not showing up for psy. Breaks my heart for me to have to be the one to tell him you are not there when he's asking me in the stands where his dad is awful.
[00:04:12] You're a good dad, but be better.
[00:04:14] They deserve you to show up. Work can wait an hour and you can remember the days that matter.
[00:04:21] And yes, I prefaced it with like, we don't have to talk and you don't owe me a response, but I. I probably should have said, you owe your son a response, but also like, not my job.
[00:04:36] So I got no response. And then my son was playing in basketball all weekend, so I got like some updates on that, but, like, no response. And then I think a lot of women will. This will resonate.
[00:04:55] I felt like I was the bad guy.
[00:04:57] I felt like, wow, Tracy, you shouldn't have.
[00:05:03] You shouldn't have called him out.
[00:05:08] And oh, man, like, what if this changes the dynamic?
[00:05:15] And, you know, I got all like, in my head about it.
[00:05:20] So I don't know, a couple days later I said, oh, no, sorry. It was the next day. I said, if you want to talk about yesterday, at some point we can. I didn't mean to come down so hard. It's just been a hard. It's just been hard.
[00:05:38] And I was super sad. But I'm happy to talk about it if you ever want to. Thanks for the UPS updates tonight. And I was referencing the basketball game and he just responds with, no thanks, period.
[00:05:51] Man, any way to get me going is to say no thanks with a period.
[00:05:59] Roger. Roger. Like, fuck off.
[00:06:04] Okay, so I guess we're not going to talk about it. I asked my son the other day. I was like, I, you know, hey, bud, like, I hope, I hope dad apologized. Did he apologize? And he said no, he just said he had to work and my other son was there and I said, I'm really sorry that he didn't own.
[00:06:26] That he didn't own his up because, you know, we all fuck up sometimes and all we can do is apologize.
[00:06:36] And that's what I told him. And I said, I'm Just, I'm. I'm sorry for you that he didn't.
[00:06:41] And then I told him, we're going to go out this weekend to celebrate. Um, but.
[00:06:46] And he was su. My son was super excited about that. But this notion of.
[00:06:54] And, and I, and I want to do a whole episode on this because I've been reading up on it, is this notion of these men that are like, I'm so busy, I'm so important.
[00:07:05] And the thing that drives me crazy with my ex right now is like, you work from home.
[00:07:13] You're not so important.
[00:07:16] It's not like it was even a day we were asking for you to take off.
[00:07:22] It probably would have been literally an hour and a half. And when I texted you, do you want me to save you a seat? You literally are 12 minutes from the school.
[00:07:34] You could have gotten in your car and still made it. So it's just this.
[00:07:43] I don't know. I. I'm. I think I'm going to do a whole episode about it because you know what? Like, I'm really busy too.
[00:07:49] I have my own company, I'm managing $20 million of work. I have two other side businesses.
[00:07:58] I have a dog, I have a house. I have the same fucking responsibilities as everybody else, and yet my children still come first.
[00:08:06] So there's a basketball tournament starting this, starting this Friday.
[00:08:12] And because it's summer, it starts at the game, starts at 10, 15.
[00:08:18] And it is his day with the kids.
[00:08:23] I get them after five. But, you know, I knew, I knew this was going to be a problem. And I can work from.
[00:08:31] I can work watching a basketball game.
[00:08:36] And so I just preemptively sent an email and I was like, I can, I can take the boy, I could take our son to, to basketball on Friday because there's three games.
[00:08:49] And his response wasn't like, thank you. It was like, how do they expect working parents to accommodate this? And I'm like, where have you been the last 14 years? Like, this is the norm. Like, there's no special accommodations for working parents. Like, you just. And, and my response was like, well, you. Just.
[00:09:13] Because you're flexible, you could work from there. But it's not even worth my energy and my time. So anyways, there's been, there's just more drama and there.
[00:09:28] I, I just, I don't know what to do with it. And I, I went to therapy, you know, and my therapist, I was like, is this like, you know, the seven year itch? You know, when you're married or in a relationship or The. I feel like there. You know, there's cycles, like, why all of a sudden are we in this? Like, where I want to fucking, like, just chew him out and tell him off and tell him the fuck off. Like.
[00:09:56] And I don't know that I've been this angry with him since we were married.
[00:10:05] And so I make. I'm just trying to look at the cycles and make different choices. And my different choices are calling him out.
[00:10:15] My different choices are not protecting the children from his decisions.
[00:10:23] And, you know, making him realize or letting him realize that every decision he makes has a consequence, and that is up to him.
[00:10:34] So.
[00:10:36] Ugh. Enough. Enough about him. He doesn't even deserve this much room in my brain.
[00:10:46] In other updates, J Man and I are no longer together.
[00:10:53] And again, just a really sad couple weeks. We were supposed to go away on vacation last weekend. And I called it off, but I called it off because.
[00:11:11] Well, at first, I mean, I tried to talk about it. I was nervous about the trip. I was nervous about the trip because we had had some unsettling conversations on the way that he was showing up for me.
[00:11:25] And, you know, at the end of the day, the things that bothered me in our first round still bother me or are still concerns. I wouldn't say they bother me. They're still concerns.
[00:11:39] And, you know, he asked me. He's like, I feel like you still don't think I'm your person.
[00:11:44] And when it comes down to it, I don't. And I think I was really trying hard to.
[00:12:00] I was really trying hard because I want him to be and because he is such an amazing person.
[00:12:09] And he.
[00:12:13] He was willing to.
[00:12:15] The things that I had issues with, he was willing to work on and. And truly understood where I was coming from.
[00:12:26] But, you know, at the end of the end of the day, it's not that I didn't like his khakis. It's that I need this emotional connection with someone that I.
[00:12:40] I don't know, I didn't feel like I had.
[00:12:43] And that really sucks. And it really sucks that I put him through that again. Like, I put.
[00:12:50] Well, I put us through it. That I. I was the one that opened the door, and I was the one that was like, we should go to another date. After I opened the door and I did, I was excited about this potential of us kind of starting over and building a very open and real relationship. And at the end of the day, it didn't. It just.
[00:13:21] It. It just didn't work for me. And.
[00:13:26] And so we. We had this Tough day. I don't know, two weeks ago and.
[00:13:37] And then a tough day when I invited him. Well, I invited him to my son's basketball game when my ex wasn't going to be there, and that didn't go super well.
[00:13:49] And then.
[00:13:52] And then we had the trip coming up and I told him I was nervous about the trip, and it just.
[00:13:57] It just kind of spiraled. And.
[00:14:03] You know, I've said this before and I have to live my own words. Like, if it's.
[00:14:08] If it's not a fuck yes, then it's a no.
[00:14:11] Like, you have. And I. And I think this about relationships. You have to be like, you have to be all in.
[00:14:21] I mean, I. I want to be all in. I mean, maybe people aren't, but I'm dating with purpose.
[00:14:27] I'm. I entered a relationship with him with a purpose of, like, are you my person? Like, I really want to find my person. And I know that sounds like cheesy bullshit. I don't know. But I really do want to find the person that I don't know that I can't stop thinking about. That makes me better. Not that he didn't make me better, but like, I don't know, that feeling, that feeling you have. It's a feeling.
[00:15:09] And you know, I was thinking as much as angry and as so disappointed I am with my ex.
[00:15:20] When I met him and when, like, I wanted him to meet my people and we wanted to get married, like, like within four weeks of meeting him, I was all in.
[00:15:35] And we were living together after eight months and married after probably four. I think it was 14 months of dating. Like, zero doubt. Now, I'm not saying, like, I should use this as a good example because it did not work, but this.
[00:15:54] It was. It was different.
[00:15:56] And.
[00:15:59] And I'm really sad for me and Jayman that it didn't work. And I.
[00:16:06] I have nothing bad to say about him. And I have only loved to send his way because he really is. Is a good human.
[00:16:18] He's just not my human.
[00:16:22] So, yeah, it's been.
[00:16:26] I went to therapy this week and I started back from kind of like, I hadn't seen her since me and J. Man got back together. So, like, started like, okay, we got like, this happened. And then like. And then I had the last basically two weeks just like, whoosh, like, snake, kid issues, ex husband. Like, all of this. And.
[00:16:58] You know, when you. When you say it out loud to someone, it's.
[00:17:03] It's hard to ignore or it's hard to pretend you're okay, so I am okay, but just.
[00:17:17] I'm just kind of like, ready for a couple months of nothing, which I know is a very exciting for you people that are listening here, but I am. I think I'm gonna take the summer and not date. And, you know, maybe we can focus on how we love each other.
[00:17:38] Each other, our friends, and how we love ourselves and how you, again, become comfortable being alone.
[00:17:48] Because that's. That's a lot of it, you know? And, like, while I miss J Man, you know, it's. It's. I really miss, like, we had a lot of fun together doing fun things, and I missed having someone to go out to dinner with and talk to and someone to text and someone that, you know, wants to know how your day is, and it's a little lonely when you don't have that. And. And especially as a parent that only has their kids 50% of the time, you go from these crazy, like, oh, my gosh, I feel like my house is a disaster and it's loud and the kids are crazy in the. It's constant to then silence.
[00:18:41] And it's those moments in the silence when they leave. And I don't have anyone to share anything with or talk to. I mean, I have my friends, obviously, but, like, it's.
[00:18:56] It's these extreme differences that make it really hard to find balance.
[00:19:06] So I think that's what I want my summer to be about, is that balance and learning just how to show up for myself, how to make myself better, be better.
[00:19:21] And I'm sure eventually I will start. Start dating again, but I am in no hurry at all for that.
[00:19:30] Maybe travel a little bit.
[00:19:34] Yeah, I don't know. So I know you guys. Like, I feel like this J Man story has dragged out a little bit, and I appreciate your patience with me trying to figure it out, because the thing with a really good dude is that they're really good. And my brain.
[00:20:00] My brain is like, Tracy, he is.
[00:20:05] He is what you want. Like, he is what you have asked for, But, you know, your heart has to be equally as in. And I.
[00:20:18] I do love him and I do miss him, and I do wish that it worked out, but if it's not a fuck yes, then it's a no. And that's kind of where we ended up.
[00:20:35] Plus, this is gonna be your funny for the day because I don't have a funny for you guys. And I hope he's not listening, but this is just. It's just. It's.
[00:20:47] To me, it's funny and it Annoys me. But my funny for the day is I invited him to my son's basketball game because like I said, my ex couldn't attend and I've never invited him to a sporting event ever. And he knows how, how excited I am for my son to be playing for the high school team. And they are not very good right now. They're the team, they're just, they're, they're growing and they've not played together and it's been kind of a little brutal, like pre summer. But anyways, I invited him to a game and we're sitting there and he was saying something like, oh, he's going to his nephew's soccer game tomorrow. And I'm like, oh, soccer. Like, soccer, I think is probably what I said. But I was like, oh, well that's, you know, that'll be nice. Like that's awesome that you're going to see him play and that'd be fun.
[00:21:46] And he's like, yeah, like it'll be great. Like it's outside.
[00:21:49] I'm like, oh yeah, like outside is way better.
[00:21:53] But I mean, I agree 100 with him. Outside is better because like we're in a stinky hot ass gym that smells like teenage boy gross sweat. But okay, yeah, yay, outside.
[00:22:06] And then he, he makes a comment and I'm, I'm paraphrasing, but it's something along the lines of yeah, like soccer is way more exciting than this or soccer is way more exciting than basketball.
[00:22:20] And I'm like, like, I think I like looked at him like, are you fucking kidding me? I was like, seriously?
[00:22:27] He's like, yeah, like, soccer is amazing. Like soccer's great.
[00:22:32] And I'm like, okay, okay, like I've never heard anybody say that.
[00:22:39] No offense to those that like soccer.
[00:22:42] And yeah, I, I, I just stewed on that.
[00:22:48] And I definitely, like the next day, like, I, I think I asked like, how was the soccer game? And he was like, it was good. And I still think it's like more exciting than basketball. Like, I, I definitely was poking, you know, poke, poke. Because I'm like, who the fuck says that?
[00:23:05] And who the fuck says that to their girlfriend while they're at her son's basketball game? Like, it, it felt like this.
[00:23:14] I can laugh about it now, but it felt like a very, very personal dig.
[00:23:19] And like, I know he's not great and I know their team isn't great and I know this game is not super exciting. But you know what?
[00:23:25] I will still die on this, like, rock. I don't know what you call it. Diamonds. Anyways, basketball is more exciting than soccer.
[00:23:39] That's why it makes me laugh. So anyways, I. I poked a couple times because I was. I was genuinely, genuinely, like, annoyed by this. And also I told my. My son asked me, like, did J Man invite Enjoy the game?
[00:23:54] And I said, yeah, I. I think he did. But he, he said he thinks soccer is more exciting. And. And my son said something like, like, go. Like, like, I. I'm trying to remember. I'm trying to remember what he said, but basically, like, you have to be fucking kidding me. Like, that's bullshit.
[00:24:18] Something along those lines. And I was like, bud, I a hundred percent agree.
[00:24:23] And so you know me by me poking J Man eventually was like, I feel like you took this very personal. And I did. And I said, yes, I did. Because that is not what you say to the mama bear.
[00:24:38] The mama smart sports fan that is so incredibly supportive of her son and his team.
[00:24:50] You do not say that at his game.
[00:24:53] It would be one thing if we were at a bar and we're talking about sports. You know, like, there's two games on and he's like, oh, my gosh, the soccer game is so good. Or I love soccer more. And he reminded me he played soccer. I don't remember that like that. It's just a time in the time and a place. So this is just a lesson. Am I funny? Is a lesson of, like, be mindful of where you are when you make these comments.
[00:25:20] Because, you know, at the end of the day, I don't care that you think soccer is more exciting, even though I think you're wrong. But I don't care because. But I do care when it feels like it's a dig on my son and the game that you. That I invited you to.
[00:25:40] So I promise next week there'll be more funnies, but.
[00:25:45] Okay, you guys again. Check out Sign up for the newsletter. Flirting After 40 dot com.
[00:25:52] I. I appreciate you guys and thank you for riding along with my jury journey with J Man and my fucking ex. And I swear I hope I don't have any more stories about him next week.
[00:26:11] I hope you guys have an amazing week and I will talk to you next. Bye.
