Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Foreign.
[00:00:05] Hi there, it's Tracy. Welcome back to flirting after 40.
[00:00:10] This last week I have been a little off, I would say.
[00:00:17] Do you know, you know, like sometimes when you get in your head about something. Like, I, I don't, I don't do this often, but after the party with J Man, I, I, like I didn't freak out, but I had a moment of panic of like, oh my gosh, do I fit in?
[00:00:46] Um, oh my gosh, can he see his life with me? Can I see my life with him? Again, like overly unnecessary thoughts that enter our brains.
[00:01:01] And I'm going to be super vulnerable here because that's what this is about.
[00:01:09] And so at the party I, I had told one of his friends that I was like, I think I might love him, meaning J man.
[00:01:27] And I, I said this to a friend and I knew the friend was probably not going to remember it, so it was me putting that into the universe in a non threatening way.
[00:01:44] But after I said it, like, I'm like, fuck. Like I just, I just said that out loud. And do, do I love him? What constant constitutes love? Like what?
[00:02:01] Because I have a whole theory on this. But I got a little like, Then I got a. I, I freaked myself out.
[00:02:13] It wasn't like somebody who was like, I love you and freaked me out. I freaked my. By saying the words aloud that were in my head and I w. It wasn't even confirming. It was just like, I think I might.
[00:02:31] So last week he came over, we were watching Love is Blind and I ended up getting super emotional.
[00:02:43] I always get emotional at Love is Blind or married at first sight or any of these stupid fucking girly shit TV shows. Anyways, and I had had a couple drinks and I don't even remember what made me emotional. So that kind of tells you your, my state of mind, but I kind of, and I might mess up some of the details here, but I kind of blurted out to him like, I don't know, something feels off and he's like, you know, clearly confused because like, what the fuck is happening, Tracy? Like, we're watching Love is Blind and you start like crying and now you're not making sense. And I was like, listen, like I told your friend, I just kind of blurted it out. Like I told your friend, I might be like, I mate, I might maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe love you.
[00:03:41] And he was like, oh, that's not what I was expecting. And like, okay.
[00:03:48] And then I immediate immediately withdrew because I'm like, I, I said too much, I'm too emotional. All the. All the things that I think. Sometimes we think, like, why did I say that? Why did I open myself up?
[00:04:06] Um, like, we've only been dating, I don't know, like, four months. Like, what the fuck are you doing, Tracy? Like, you don't.
[00:04:15] But.
[00:04:16] But the thing is, like, I felt so. Two things. So I felt super exposed and vulnerable, and he didn't say anything back. Like, so then I felt, like, dumb maybe. D. I don't know. Like. And I hate feeling dumb. I think, like, that's the worst feeling for me. I think is just feeling like, oh, I fucked up. And like, I that up. Or just feeling dumb for not like, oh, he's not where I am, so, God, you should have just kept your fucking mouth shut.
[00:04:58] But.
[00:04:59] But then, you know, like, I will say I withdrew a little bit because nobody likes. Nobody likes it. He was like. He was awesome. He was like, over text. I tried to explain a little bit more and. And I hadn't fully, like, put together my feelings about the party and how I was feeling a little insecure about that party. And then me saying that and then me saying that to him. Like, all the insecurities come up. Like, well, what if he doesn't feel the same way? What if I'm wasting my time again?
[00:05:42] What if.
[00:05:45] Yeah, like, this isn't what I think it is.
[00:05:49] And then I start shutting down a little bit. And I think, you know, he picked up on some of that and was very much like, we should talk. We should sit down. And it was never bad. But anyways, I, on Sunday had a friend over and was talking to her a little bit about it, and I. She was the only one I've told about this story or like, that I said, that's his friend.
[00:06:25] And. And to J, man.
[00:06:27] And she was like, he didn't say it back, but I was like, But I didn't tell him, like, I love him. I just. I might. Maybe.
[00:06:36] I might. Maybe someday. No, but, like, I might maybe love you. Like, that's not me, like, professing my love.
[00:06:47] Nor did I say it for something back, but it did leave me feeling a little vulnerable.
[00:06:57] And so her and I were kind of discussing love. Like, what. And I think for everybody it's different. Like, what is saying I love you to someone mean?
[00:07:10] And I told Jade, man, this the other night, and I was talking to my friend about this on Sunday. I was like, I grew up, and I feel like a lot of US 80s babies maybe, like, grew up with not a lot of affection and not a lot of words, of affirmation. Like, my parents, I rarely told me they loved me. Like, I don't know, I feel like I'm major.
[00:07:38] Like maybe on Christmas night as I was going to bed, or maybe on my birthday or maybe when I graduated from high school or maybe when I got married, married, like they would tell me, you know, we're proud of you. We love you or we love you. Like.
[00:07:53] And I was thinking about the difference here and her and I were talking about this a little bit of like I tell my kids probably 20 times a day that I love them.
[00:08:06] Like, I tell them on the way to school, probably five. Like, they get in the car and I'm like, all right, like we're going to school. Hey guys, I love you. They're like, I love you, mom.
[00:08:19] We pull up and I drop them off and I'm like, I love you. And then they open the door and get out of the car, I'm like, I love you.
[00:08:26] And they're always telling me they love me back. Or like my oldest especially, like I'll be dumb or make a joke or pick on him or do something. And he's like, mom, I love you.
[00:08:38] And it's kind of this like sarcastic, like, I know you mean well. I'm rolling my eyes, but I, I do. I see you. I love you.
[00:08:47] And, and I tell my friends I love them. I tell my friends I love them all the time. Probably like at least at every departure almost of my friends.
[00:09:02] Like, I'll give them a hug and I'll tell them I love them.
[00:09:06] I will write in a card that I love them. I like, I.
[00:09:13] What I think happened also was that I like you're allowed to love someone and not make it a huge thing.
[00:09:26] And I think I got in my head about that too. And like, what does I love you mean to somebody else?
[00:09:33] And you know, like me, me saying to J man, like, I think I might love you. Like means I think you're a really awesome person and you've changed my life for the better and I want to do more of whatever we're doing, this life together.
[00:09:56] And I didn't, I did not articulate that.
[00:10:00] And it's taken me a little like, cuz we're emotional sometimes, you know, and we love or saying we love each other or I love you makes it feel like it's a whole nother level. But I'm like, but what if it's not?
[00:10:17] You know? And I've told guys that I've dated that I like, I love them. And I'm. And I will preface this with, like, I've told them, like, listen, like, I'm not saying I want to be with you. I'm just saying, like, I love you. Like, I think you're a fucking amazing person.
[00:10:35] It doesn't mean that I'm ready to turn my life upside down for you. It doesn't mean that I'm ready to spend my life with you. It just means that you are important to me. And I think letting people know how you feel and how important they are to you is really so important.
[00:10:58] So many. How many important. How many times can I say important? There?
[00:11:04] So this.
[00:11:09] I think I got myself kind of all spun up over not a lot, you know, And.
[00:11:18] And I have to remind myself, just because I say something, it doesn't mean that the other person has to feel the same way.
[00:11:27] My feelings are my feelings and remind myself that and remind you guys, like, we don't share our feelings.
[00:11:36] I hope you don't. For just reciprocation and for validation. Like, I want to be able to share freely what I think and what I feel without needing that person to feel the same way. Because that's not fair either. That's not life.
[00:11:57] You know, I think about.
[00:12:02] I think. I think being a parent has taught me also a lot about love. Because even this morning, my son, my youngest, like, screams downstairs, I don't have any pants.
[00:12:15] And I'm like, I'll be right up.
[00:12:18] And five seconds later, he screams, I don't have any pants. And I was like, dude, I'm coming up. Oh, geez, you know, Sorry.
[00:12:30] And I want to, like, just, like, like what?
[00:12:37] But I'm like, his reality or what he heard is different than mine. And he probably didn't hear me say, like, I'll be right up. And he's frustrated because he's growing. And I mean, minus the fact that he doesn't do laundry and he needs to do his own laundry, he's frustrated because he's growing and he doesn't have any pants, and what is he going to wear to school? And he's spinning in his own, and I'm spinning on my own. And we don't have to feel the same way to validate. Validate each other either, you know? So I went up and got him a pair of pants and kind of tossed him at him on his bed. Like, I wasn't mean. He was. And I walked out. I was like, I love you, bud. He's like, I love you too, you know? And, like, I don't know, I think that that little story reminded me that we are all experiencing our own reality. We have our own truth, our own reality. What we are feeling that day, how we feel about the things.
[00:13:42] And to assume that someone is going to be right where you are always or when you are is not. It's not fair.
[00:13:54] Um. It's not fair to ourselves. It's not fair to them.
[00:13:57] It's not fair to love. Like, so, I don't know. I'm sharing this because I felt super vulnerable, and I was kind of emotional, and I kind of was like, fuck, I should.
[00:14:09] I should scale back. I should retreat. I should, you know, maybe not be so in.
[00:14:18] And while talking to J man last night, he was like, why would you want a retreat? Like, that doesn't feel good. And what is the point of that? And it's because it's what feels safe, and it's what we are conditioned to do. But I'm gonna not.
[00:14:39] I'm. I'm gonna show up as I am, and, you know, maybe I won't be so.
[00:14:48] So intense with my language, but my actions won't change.
[00:14:58] I don't know. Maybe I will be. I don't know.
[00:15:01] It's just. This is part of it. And, yeah, I figured you guys might get a kick out of.
[00:15:13] All right, so we got two funny things. This might be a short episode, but boo baskets.
[00:15:22] I also had a conversation, you know, with my son who got his girlfriend the boo basket, which was because she's his boo, but now they're coming up on bur baskets, like, what the fuck is a burr basket? It's because it's cold outside, Burr.
[00:15:42] So public announcements, please get your boo a burr basket for the winter season.
[00:15:50] Maybe a blanket, some hot chocolate, and I love you mug.
[00:15:57] I don't fucking know.
[00:16:01] But, yeah, my kids are keeping me up on the.
[00:16:04] On the love trends.
[00:16:07] All right, My other funny today is I.
[00:16:12] I saw this on. I don't know, on Facebook, and this made me laugh. Okay. My favorite app to scroll is Venmo because why is Jim making his wife pay him back for coffee?
[00:16:33] Okay. Have you guys ever done this? Seriously do this? It's really funny to scroll Venmo and. And see your friends or people that you Venmo'd and see who, like, click on them and see who they're paying or who's paying them. Now, someone, thankfully, in my life, right when I got. I don't know, like, shortly after I got divorced, me and my. Me and my ex send venmos for, like, Originally it was, like, child support, and.
[00:17:04] And then I was like, oh, no, I need a better record for this. And.
[00:17:07] But, like, for, like, our kids trombone that he rents or for our kids sports or, you know, I don't know. I just asked him for money for their Halloween costumes. Like, stupid shit. But, like, it's kind of funny also to see, like, couples that are together and, like, somebody sends. And you can't see the amount, but, like, for rent or.
[00:17:35] I don't know. I don't know. I'm telling you guys, when you're bored, it's a new fascinating activity.
[00:17:44] And it's kind of also, like. Well, I'm a good. I like stalking, you know, a little bit. So it's like you feel like you're stalking and.
[00:17:57] I know. I know. It's terrible. It's terrible.
[00:18:01] But again, so funny and so. I don't know. Share with me, what do you find?
[00:18:07] But.
[00:18:11] And I also really secretly like, Venmo, and people use all the emojis or icon. Icon. I don't know what the fuck they're called. Like, you know, like, when you want to say, like.
[00:18:30] Like, I bought Olive Garden for my friend and her kids the other day, and she, like, sent me a Venmo back, and it was like, Olive with, like, a garden. I don't know. So dumb. But I'm entertained, so I. I hope it made you smile a little bit.
[00:18:46] Anyways, pretty quiet weekend coming up. It's beautiful fall in Denver. Gonna just chill this weekend. No big plans. I hope. I hope there's no new drama for you guys, but I'm sure something will come up between now and next week.
[00:19:03] But regardless, thank you for listening. Go check out your Venmo and tell all your people you love them. I love you guys. Thank you for listening. Have a great week.
