Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Foreign.
[00:00:04] Hi there. It's Tracy. And welcome back to flirting after 40.
[00:00:09] So I'm in a really good mood, and I. I'm in almost such a good mood that I don't want to record today because, like, I left you guys hanging last week of, like, I'm. I'm going to tell this, like, how this story happened and how I got into this situation I got myself into. Um, but honestly, I'm in this. I don't know, I feel happy, I feel seen, I feel loved. I don't know, I just feel so much better than I felt in a really long time.
[00:00:50] Um, and, you know, I don't.
[00:00:53] Like, I think a lot of it is due to the relationship I'm building with J. Man.
[00:01:01] But also, I think a lot of it is just.
[00:01:05] I. I've done the work, and I feel like, I don't know, I have such a better perspective of what I'm looking for and how I want to go about it than I have even in the past.
[00:01:21] And that kind of feels weird to say after 45 years.
[00:01:27] Well, I haven't been dating for 45 years, but, like, being 45 years old and, like, I feel like maybe I'm just kind of figuring it out now.
[00:01:35] Like, I've. I've been treated well in the. These last couple months, and it's provided me perspective of, like, what I like how I want to treat someone, too, and how I want to show up for someone.
[00:01:51] Like, this last.
[00:01:53] Like this last week, Jayman had a.
[00:01:56] He just had a bad day. Like, and he said, like, he doesn't like to have bad days, and I don't think any of us do. But, like, he. He strives to, you know, find happiness in the things and. And not dwell on. On the bad things.
[00:02:12] And. But, like, I. I asked the question of, like, so if you have a bad day, like, how do you want.
[00:02:21] How do you. How do you want your person to show up for you? Like, what do you need? You know, Like.
[00:02:27] And to me, I think that's a really intelligent question and a really important question that we should be asking people that we're. We're with. Like, what do you need from me? Because how I want to be, like, how I want somebody to show up for me is, I think, very different than how he wants someone to show up. Um, and we often assume that we, like how we want to be treated is how someone wants to be treated. And. And I think that's just the con. Like, we're. We just.
[00:02:56] We just make that assumption and I feel like now in my life I have the tools and, and I. In the knowledge to ask the question. Like.
[00:03:07] And I told him, I said, well, like, when I've had a really bad day or just life just feels like it's so much or whatever. Like, I want to go eat like, gooey, cheesy Italian food and I want to drink a bottle of wine and I want to. I want to wallow in it. Like, I, I wanna, like, I, I almost need to feel the feels and need to like, yeah, like, let it out almost. And I, and, and, and.
[00:03:39] But it's, it's how I deal with it. So to make the assumption that somebody else deals with things the same way is just ridiculous.
[00:03:47] So I asked him, I said, you know, like, how do you, like, what do you, like, you had a bad day, what is your, like, go to, you know? And he's like, I don't like, do you want to stay in? Do you want to go. He's like, nope, I want to go out. Like, I don't want to like, sit in it.
[00:04:04] And like, I'm a talker. So I was like, yeah, like, we could go out. But I'm like, I'm not gonna not talk about it because that's just like, I can accommodate you, but like, I'm also going to be me and just be like, I wanna, I wanna help you and I wanna know why your day was bad and I wanna know the thing. I wanna know the things. I wanna know the things that hurt you or.
[00:04:29] But we ended up just like, going to a local bar and had a couple drinks, got some nachos, and it was just a very chill, fun evening.
[00:04:45] And like, came back to my house and ended up hanging. Like. I don't know if I've told you guys this. Like, I go to bed pretty early. Typically, like, I'm in bed by like 9:30. I'd love to be in sleep at like 10, 10:30.
[00:05:00] And like, anyways, we came back and like, hung out and then all of a sudden it was like 11:30 at night on a Wednesday. And it, like, it, it was a day that was not great for him.
[00:05:19] And I, I think partially, like, I'm not applauding myself, but like, by communicating and asking like, how do you. How do you want to get through a bad day?
[00:05:30] We were able, I feel like, any. And I feel like he felt the joy too, like, to make it a day that was definitely not so bad.
[00:05:41] And I don't know, like. So I guess this is my words of Wisdom is like ask the questions, ask how people want to be loved. Ask how people want like to be like how they want somebody to show up for them.
[00:05:58] And I was really like, this is a selfish little like pat on my back. But like I was, I was, I felt like I, I was proud of how I was able to ask and just not assume and meet him where he wanted to be.
[00:06:14] So maybe this is what like a grown up relationship looks like.
[00:06:19] I don't know. But any. Anyways, it's still going really great.
[00:06:22] So that's the J Man update.
[00:06:26] Okay, so last week was, was heavy. I, you know, I told you guys that the Lieutenant like violated my space me and like how, how, how did it start?
[00:06:45] And, and I look back at this and I'm like, how was, how, how did I let it start?
[00:06:53] So we're going to back up and I'm going to tell you, tell you the story.
[00:06:57] So at the time we met, it was during COVID at the like, I would say towards the tail end of COVID but where places were just starting to open up. You had to be masked in any public space.
[00:07:12] We met online and I was living in a polyamorous life. Um, I was open to poly and you know, again for like those who haven't listened to all the past episodes, I was doing that after my divorce. I wasn't, I like didn't, I didn't want to have to assume that like one person could bring you all your joy.
[00:07:44] And I still don't think that one person can bring you all your joy because that's why we have friends and stuff. But I wasn't interested in a long term monogamous relationship.
[00:07:53] And I had been in the poly world for like probably like a year or so before I met the Lieutenant.
[00:08:02] Anyways, our first date, he picks me up, brings me flowers and we go ax throwing super fun. And then we go out for some Mexican like a really good date.
[00:08:19] He comes back over and in my experience in poly, like a lot of, I feel like a lot of people are just looking for sex.
[00:08:31] They've opened up their relationships because they're not fulfilled sexually.
[00:08:37] And he was, he was very kind and non.
[00:08:44] Like it wasn't, it didn't feel like it was all about that. But at the time he was married and had a girlfriend and so I was this other person.
[00:09:00] Okay, this blow like this, this is hard for me because at the time I was like, I was okay with it. Like I actually was or I thought or I thought I was okay with it.
[00:09:13] Now I look back and I'm like, fuck, I can, I can't keep up with my own shit. Like, how the fuck. Like is a dude and sorry, no offense to the dudes, but like managing a full time career, a house, a wife, a girlfriend. And then another, like, really? Like, how are you doing any of this successfully?
[00:09:39] Are you just doing all of it badly? I don't know. But at the time it didn't even enter my brain.
[00:09:48] Great first date. We did not hook up.
[00:09:52] I feel like he was pretty polite.
[00:09:59] Anyways, we get to know each other and I, I told this story before, but.
[00:10:09] Well, hold on, I'm gonna, I'm gonna come back to that. But anyways, I feel like shortly after we started dating, he was like, I would like you to meet my other partners. I'd like you to meet my wife and my girlfriend.
[00:10:27] I know you guys are like, what the fuck?
[00:10:30] Like how? Like I, I look at this kind of and I'm like, what the fuck? Like, this isn't to discount the poly lifestyle in any way, but it's a lot. And like, how, Tracy, are you comfortable going to a bar or. We went at the View House in Littleton and like, how are you comfortable going into the situation and meeting two women who are in love with the guy that you are dating and he's in love with them.
[00:11:04] So it's interesting. We. We. We get to the. And these are like, like, okay, we probably. Sorry. We probably dated about a year and a half in total. Maybe two years with, on and off. But I have very vivid memories. And they're, they're not like, this is one of them.
[00:11:31] So I drive with him, we park, we walk in to the View House. And it was again Covid. So we had to sit outside. And it was. I want to say it was like fall, like kind of this time of year.
[00:11:44] And we're sitting upstairs outside and sitting there and then the girlfriend walks in and like they kiss hello.
[00:11:56] So like, like kiss, hug.
[00:12:02] She sits across from, I'm sitting next to him. She sits across from him and he's like, oh, you look really cold. She's like, I'm freezing. He's like, let me go get a blanket for you out of your car. And she's like, okay, here's your. Here's my keys. And she gives him the keys and he leaves. And I'm sitting across the table from her. And I'm. I'm good at small talk. I'm good at conversating.
[00:12:29] And that was one of the hardest probably Like, I don't know, 10 minutes I've had ever of. Like, what do you talk about with this person you know nothing about? I knew. I knew, like, her profession, and so I was able to talk about that a little bit.
[00:12:48] Anyways, he comes back with a blanket for her, and the waitress comes by and, like, what would you like to drink? And.
[00:12:56] And, oh, he was still gone. And she orders for the lieutenant, like, he'll have this.
[00:13:04] And I was like, oh, wow. Okay. Like, I guess. I mean, I guess it's what you do with. You're with someone.
[00:13:13] And they had been dating, I feel like, over a year.
[00:13:17] Anyways, he comes back with a blanket, and then his wife comes in and sits next to the girlfriend. And anyways, his wife was really sweet to me. The. The girlfriend was definitely standoffish.
[00:13:34] Wife was super nice. But I just, like.
[00:13:41] Like, I don't even know. Like, I don't even know how I survived it. I don't even. Like, I don't even know what I didn't know or what to expect. But, yeah, like, I had dinner with the guy I've been on a couple dates with and his wife and his girlfriend.
[00:13:58] And anyways, our relationship progressed after that, even despite that. Like, and our relationship grew stronger. This is. And this is where I struggle. Like, our relationship grew stronger than, I think him and his girlfriends then.
[00:14:22] Like, I don't think he was being true to his unhappiness in his marriage.
[00:14:28] It grew stronger than his marriage.
[00:14:32] And it. And it.
[00:14:34] But we were always open.
[00:14:39] There was no.
[00:14:42] There was no talk of ever being exclusive. There was just like, this is the life we're living and we're okay with it.
[00:14:54] And. And he. He. I, Like, I. I was very happy.
[00:15:02] So throughout the relationship, he and I. Like, I dated a few other people during it. Um, he.
[00:15:14] At time, like, he wanted to date other people still.
[00:15:19] I think there was this. Like, he was. He was trying to fill a void in his marriage, and he.
[00:15:29] He didn't know how to deal with it. And she was trying to fill a void. And so they looked to polyamory for the solution.
[00:15:41] And, you know, I think at the end of the day, what it caused was just, you know, true visibility into their shit and that they weren't.
[00:15:55] That, you know, their marriage was over.
[00:16:00] But it took a lot.
[00:16:02] And it took.
[00:16:05] It actually. Like, when I look back at it, it was insanely draining and made me insanely insecure.
[00:16:17] The fact that he was with me and still wanted to date other people.
[00:16:23] So you're married. You have me.
[00:16:26] Because at that point the girlfriend went away.
[00:16:32] Like, like I struggle with, like, am I not enough?
[00:16:39] But I went into this with the expectation that I didn't need to be somebody's enough, that they didn't need to be my enough. And I think, I think I was just like, I didn't, I didn't have the capacity after my divorce to, to do that. And it was okay, but I think it really, like, it really fucked me up.
[00:17:14] And I do believe in polyamory because I do believe you can love multiple people and you can love people for different reasons and you can be with people, multiple people, but it needs to be better than my experience.
[00:17:33] So like, there's another moment where.
[00:17:40] So he had broken up with the girl, the other girlfriend, and it was just his wife and me and he was starting to date other people and how insecure I was.
[00:17:57] Like, he, he would tell me like, oh, I brought her flower. Like every first date. For every woman, he would bring them flowers.
[00:18:09] And it just made me feel like less like, oh, he brought me flowers on our first date. So it made me feel like it was just an act. It wasn't, it wasn't special.
[00:18:25] I would like one of the reasons, like, I really did love him was he really gave really good foot massages. Like, I know this, you're probably, people are probably like, what the fuck, Tracy? Like you dated a guy cuz he gave good fit massages. And I'm like, oh my God. Though it was like, it was so, it was so good.
[00:18:48] And you know, he'd be like, yeah, like, whatever. Her and I went to dinner and then I went back to her place and I, like, we just sat and I rubbed her feet and I was like, all the things that I thought were special weren't.
[00:19:07] And yet I continued, I continued like looking back, you know, like reflecting back on the end of the relationship when the shit happened that I told you about last week and how it started. I'm like, no wonder.
[00:19:35] But like, I guess, you know, hindsight's 2020 and I, I, I gave, I, I was part of it, you know, And I thought because he was sharing these things and we were talking about these things, it was good.
[00:20:01] So like, there's still more to the story and I will tell you guys about it next week. But like, I just, I share it because I know we have all been in those situations where we make ourselves smaller or we allow shit that just doesn't sit well to continue to happen.
[00:20:26] And we, you know, like, I made excuses like Tracy this is what you signed up for. Like, but just because we sign up or we're in a relationship or we are married doesn't, like, if something isn't sitting well, like, you're allowed to shut it down. You're allowed to walk away. You're allowed to, like, have your voice. And it's. It just.
[00:20:59] I didn't even realize, like, what a toxic relationship I was in until I was out of it. Plus a year even, you know, plus now, like, plus being in a good relationship where I. I don't have to take a back seat. I don't have to play small. I can show up a hundred percent as I am and be appreciated. So, like, hence why I didn't necessarily want to, like, get into this tonight, because I'm in a really good place right now and I'm really happy. And so to, like, relive this sucks. But I feel like this is part of the reason why I did the podcast was because I have stories to share. And I.
[00:22:02] I hope that at some point, and I know it does, I hope, you know, my stories help you see things in you that you can change or don't have to accept and that, you know, like, you can find a way to love yourself and love your partner and be better.
[00:22:27] Because I'm so much better than I was three years ago.
[00:22:35] So.
[00:22:37] Okay, I think I have a funny for the day. I'm trying to look it up really quick on my phone as I'm, like, crying.
[00:22:52] Okay, so when I was younger, my dad had this quiz he would print out and give to men.
[00:23:04] And it was like, like, rules to date my daughter or a quiz to date my daughter. And I. I'll have to look it up for you guys because it was pretty funny. And it was like, do you have a condom in your wallet? And if it was like a yes, like, which this is stupid now, because I was like, at least they were being smart. My dad would be like, you can't date my daughter. Do you drive a van? Does your van have a mattress in the back?
[00:23:28] So this one is a pre booty call agreement.
[00:23:32] I saw this online. This pre booty call agreement is entered into on the blank day by blank, blah, blah, blank, blank, blank, blank. Okay? This agreement shall cover the following rules and principles. No sleeping over unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
[00:23:54] No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
[00:24:02] No calls before 9pm we don't have shit to talk about.
[00:24:09] None of that lovemaking shit. Only sex allowed. No emotional discussions. I. E. Where we are headed? Where are we headed with this? Do you love me? The answer is no, so we don't ask. No plans made in advance. That is why you are called the backup. Unless you are from out of town.
[00:24:32] Then it's only a one time advance arrangement.
[00:24:35] All gifts accepted. Money is always good. Okay, I don't know that I agree with this.
[00:24:41] No baby talk.
[00:24:43] However, dirty talk is encouraged.
[00:24:46] No asking for comparisons with former lovers.
[00:24:50] It's really none of your damn business.
[00:24:55] Okay, that made me laugh. Like I like I saw that and I. Well and then I thought like how up is that? That I think of my dad's like dating my daughter. Checklist or survey. But anyways, that is your laugh for tonight you guys. Things are going really well and. But you know, sorry for being a Debbie Downer today but like it's an important story. I feel like in my stories to tell.
[00:25:21] So there will be more next week and then I will also probably be celebrating what a great trip I had this weekend. But thank you guys always for listening and I hope you have an amazing week.
