Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Foreign.
[00:00:06] Hi there. It's Tracy. And welcome back to flirting after 40.
[00:00:10] Quick update as to my current situation. Things are continuing to go really well.
[00:00:18] J Man and I spent a great weekend together or Saturday together.
[00:00:26] We spent a lot of time last week together. It was. It was really nice.
[00:00:31] And, you know, I'm gonna, like, I've had a couple ups and downs in my, I don't know, work, personal life.
[00:00:42] He's been really supportive, and he's shown up, and he keeps showing up, and he really.
[00:00:50] He's really amazing. And so I deleted Hinge.
[00:00:58] Like, I have no desire to continue the search. Like, I've. I've met somebody that I want to invest in and that I really like.
[00:01:12] You know, I feel like he feels the same way.
[00:01:15] And, you know, he has told me that, you know, I've had his attention since, you know, for quite a long time now. And I really appreciate that. Like, I don't know. I don't know. Like, I don't know, what are the rules? Like, how long do you date before.
[00:01:35] I don't know, you make things exclusive. Like, I feel like I am exclusive, but, like, we've never had that conversation.
[00:01:42] I'm just really enjoying it.
[00:01:46] I went to.
[00:01:47] I went to therapy today, and I. I love my therapist. And, like, I went for a bunch of other reasons outside of, like, relationships, but the re. The reason I went to therapy to start was because my marriage was not good.
[00:02:02] So I've been seeing her for eight years. And, I mean, she knows. She remembers stories that I don't remember stories telling her.
[00:02:12] And. And I was able to feel like this is a rare thing in therapy to be able to, like, talk about somebody. And it's.
[00:02:22] It's because of the green flags and not because of the red flags. And it's not because I'm, like, looking for feedback on it. It's just because I'm like, they're sharing that I've met somebody that is really fulfilling the things that I've been looking for.
[00:02:41] So, I mean, overall, things are really great. We have a trip planned next weekend.
[00:02:50] Yeah, I don't know. I just.
[00:02:53] I feel really, really seen. I feel really good. I feel.
[00:03:01] Yeah, I'm just really happy. So part of what I, you know, alluded to last week of wanting to talk about is not good.
[00:03:13] And I think, you know, sometimes we only can see the.
[00:03:21] You know, you forget that there is good, and you're so sometimes just encompassed in, like, the bad of a situation.
[00:03:33] But I also think that the bad makes us realize when we have something really good.
[00:03:40] I have not wanted to talk about this, so I've been doing this podcast for nine months, and there's a story that I need to share, and it's not a pleasant story, and it doesn't make me happy to share it.
[00:03:57] There's a lot that embodies the story, but I feel like on a journey together. And this story that I'm going to tell is a huge, huge part of my story, and it's a huge part of my life, the good and the bad from it. But I will warn people, like, this story entails abuse, and it entails men taking power that they don't deserve.
[00:04:31] So if these are triggering things for you, I want to warn you and, you know, like, not to listen or to listen and share your story with me. But I'm going to start the story from the end, or mostly the end, and then I'm going to back up, because I feel like anybody that would have heard the story to begin you. You may not have.
[00:05:00] Like, there's some red flags, but I was so hopeful.
[00:05:10] So two years ago, and, like, almost two years to the date, or, you know, like, within the same month or so, I was dating the lieutenant, and he ended up breaking into my house and assaulting me, physically assaulting me.
[00:05:37] Am I scared to tell this story now? Yes. Because he's in law enforcement, which I think actually, like, it has a really big effect on what I think, and.
[00:05:52] And the abuse of power, maybe.
[00:05:58] And am I scared because he could be listening and could not, like, what I have to say? Yes. Am I scared because I.
[00:06:11] Because it's just scary. Like, I think it's.
[00:06:16] As a woman, it's. It's very scary to have had your, you know, your trust in someone, your.
[00:06:32] I don't know, have all of that broken.
[00:06:41] So one night, the lieutenant and I were not dating anymore. We were. We were on a split.
[00:06:50] And I will tell you the whole story about how we became a thing, but we were not together. We were taking a break that night. I did reach out to him, and there's a lot of, like, feelings associated with, like, did I cause this?
[00:07:10] But again, I have an amazing therapist, so.
[00:07:15] So I had reached out, like, kind of wanting to see him, and he had said he was at work and.
[00:07:24] Okay, like.
[00:07:27] And I apologize if he's listening if I have some of these facts wrong. It's just how I have it in my head. But I was a bed. I was in bed asleep. Thankfully, my kids were not with me.
[00:07:40] And I don't know, 12:30, 1:00 clock at night, I hear someone coming into my house and I have a dog, and my dog barked and, but then he calmed down, so it was like, okay, you know, you're, you're laying in bed, you're asleep, and somebody's coming in your house. Um, he knew my door code, but he had not, I had not seen him for probably six weeks before this.
[00:08:11] And just because somebody has your door code doesn't mean they have right to come into your space unannounced.
[00:08:18] There was no, you know, I've looked back, there was no text of like, I'm coming over, I want to see you.
[00:08:25] He didn't ring the doorbell. He, he didn't knock. He came in. He came in unannounced, uninvited, using my code to my door that I had entrusted him with.
[00:08:42] Half, I mean, I'm asleep, I wake up and I'm like, what the fuck is happening? And he comes upstairs, didn't know it was him, walks into my bedroom and puts down his backpack.
[00:08:59] And in his backpack he has all of his guns from work because, and I know this because he won't leave his guns in his car. He won't in his company car.
[00:09:16] So I'm waking up, man's in my house, has a bag of guns, takes off his gun that he's wearing around his waist, sets it down. And I'm like, what are you doing here?
[00:09:35] And his answer is, I'm here to take what is mine.
[00:09:42] And by that he met me and was like, I miss you, I want you. And I kept saying, you need to leave, you need to go.
[00:09:58] No, you need to leave, you need to go. No.
[00:10:02] And I'm not going to get into it, but was sexually assaulted and, and, and by someone that I had been dating for two years, like within the, within two years.
[00:10:23] And, and, and by someone that I trusted, like really trusted.
[00:10:32] And you know, I, I don't know. I, I, this, like, I have been assaulted once prior in my life and, but I was, I was 17.
[00:10:46] I don't know what the feeling is, you know, if, if, but I, I put so much blame on myself for trusting him and for wanting to see him that night, but I didn't want to see him in that capacity. That's not, that was not my intent. My intent was at 8:30 at night, like, because I did miss him, but I don't miss, I don't want somebody breaking into my house and assaulting me. That's a whole different category.
[00:11:23] So after he left I.
[00:11:29] I was like, what the. Like, like it happens fast. And like, what the fuck happened? And I can't even get my head around it or like, did I welcome it? Did I encourage it?
[00:11:43] Did I. Did I not fight because I was scared? Yes, yes.
[00:11:52] I.
[00:11:55] I sent a.
[00:11:57] A Marco Polo, which is like a voice or a video message to my friend, my best friend, and was like, holy, this just happened. And like, I didn't record. I. I don't have a copy of it, otherwise I would play it for you. But, like, sobbing about like, this just happened and because, like, I needed to say all the things out loud that I was thinking of.
[00:12:32] And then I called a friend, a guy friend, and he didn't answer. I didn't leave him a message. And I went downstairs and I slept on the couch or kind of slept. Like, I just kind of sat there in this disbelief.
[00:12:55] The next morning, texted a friend and it was.
[00:13:01] The guy I called was a couple that I was seeing.
[00:13:08] And she called and she was like, you need like, get out of your house and come over.
[00:13:16] So I changed my lock, which I feel like a dumbass for having trusted that somebody had my code and wouldn't use it. Malicious, maliciously. Um, so I changed to figure out how to change my door code, went over there to the house and like, stayed there all day and was just in this like, state of disbelief, panic, sadness, like all the feels. And yeah, it's. It's a. It's a horrible thing to happen to anybody that somebody you trust and at one point loved could just take it and within, you know, 30 minutes, destroy it.
[00:14:13] And I. And I'm this compassionate person that this is where I struggle of, like, maybe he didn't mean it me. Like, maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought it was like making excuses for the horrible behavior of somebody else.
[00:14:40] And I.
[00:14:44] This is where when I say, like, I feel like I've met somebody that's really good.
[00:14:53] I feel like I've really learned the hard way what a relationship can turn into and how maybe to spot some of these signs before they happen, you know?
[00:15:11] And I. I don't know. I just know that I spent a lot of time in therapy.
[00:15:18] I've spent a lot of time reflecting on this 30 minutes of my life that felt like it changed everything and like, how I got there to make sure that I never to do. Well, I can't make sure, but to do everything in my power to make sure I don't end up there again and there again, there's no Guarantees. But I just.
[00:15:55] I want to tell the story, and I'll tell it in the next episode of how it started and how it got here, because I do think I overlooked a lot of red flags. I.
[00:16:08] I wish.
[00:16:09] Like, I entered. I introduced J Man to some friends, and one of the friend's husbands said to his wife, like, he seems like a super cool guy. Like, I met a couple guys that Tracy's dated, and, like, this is the first one I think I can hang out with way better than the creepy cop dude.
[00:16:37] Okay. I just heard this, like, three weeks ago or two weeks ago. Like, that would have been really good information to know. Like, if.
[00:16:45] If someone is dating someone and you get creepy vibes, you should tell that person or you should tell, like, somebody that knows that person, that could tell that person, because creepy vibes are. It's a real thing, like, like, what somebody else picked up on. And. And maybe I wouldn't have listened. I don't fucking know.
[00:17:06] My friends did say, I think you're dating this guy because of the sex or because there's some level of excitement within this.
[00:17:16] And I can't deny that.
[00:17:18] But, like, that, that. And I'm not mad about it, but, like, I'm just saying this out loud in case you as a human have creepy vibe feelings about somebody that your friend is dating, tell them.
[00:17:35] And you could say it in a way that's not. Like, it doesn't seem threatening, but, like, there was red flags that I overlooked. And so the thing that has made me realize that I've looked. I looked over all the red flags is, like, all the green flags that are in my face right now. And.
[00:18:02] Yeah, and I felt like that has empowered me to be able to tell you the story.
[00:18:08] So that is, like, the end of the story. I mean, there's still more of an end, but, you know, I know there's so many of us that have been through something similar or something traumatic and have been taken advantage of or abused or physically, mentally, emotionally that have been scared in a relationship or scared of a person, and it just sucks.
[00:18:43] And, you know, I'll. I'll fill you guys in on the story next week, but it's really hard. And I just. I want everybody to know that if anybody has been through that, they're not alone. And I'm working through.
[00:18:59] And I continue to work through, letting it go in a way that feels supported and safe to me. And I think by telling my story and whatever repercussions come from gives me back the power. Like, our words My words have power and meaning, and the, the, you know, the lieutenant. The individuals that do bad things to us can't take that away from us.
[00:19:33] So I don't really, I don't really have a funny for today, you guys. Like, I'm sorry, because I know I feel like I always end on a positive note and something silly, but I, I really don't.
[00:19:49] I just, like, I know there is more to me than this story, and I feel like for most people that endure any sort of situation like this, it's a blip. But there's more to our stories and there's more to us than just that story. So I hope you guys will listen next week and hear the full story of this and, you know, like, kind of how I got out of it. But I'm telling you guys, it's not easy. And I don't know, I owe so much to my lovely therapist and to my friends that supported me through it.
[00:20:31] You know, take back your power. Take back your voice.
[00:20:35] Fucking just shut this shit down. It's not, it's not. Okay. So sorry for the no happy ending, but I, I, I feel like my happy ending is, like, playing out and my funny is getting to do this again.
[00:20:55] I don't know. So thank you guys for listening. I love you all and I will talk to you next week.
