Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Foreign.
[00:00:05] Hi there, it's Tracy. And welcome back to flirting after 40.
[00:00:10] So this last week, I got a calendar reminder that my.
[00:00:16] That I got engaged 16 years ago.
[00:00:20] Just the calendar reminder I was looking for. Just what everybody who's divorced wants popping up when they open their eyes and roll over and it's like, ding, you've been. You know, you're celebrating your 16 years being engaged. And how in the world is this still on my calendar?
[00:00:40] Because I don't think my old wedding date is a reminder. I don't think that.
[00:00:48] I don't even think his birthday is a reminder. So how in the world have I elected not to delete the day we got engaged from my.
[00:00:58] Yeah. From my calendar?
[00:01:00] And it was weird, you know, to think that, yeah, 16 years ago, we had a date.
[00:01:08] We went to see Wicked in San Francisco. We went to this bar that we used to go to all the time, this cute little bar on the corner of where I used to live. We went there to grab drinks before.
[00:01:22] And then we walked across the street by my old house. I lived at the corner of California and Broderick.
[00:01:32] And he.
[00:01:36] It was where he picked me up for my first date. And he ended up proposing on that street corner in San Francisco.
[00:01:45] And it was very sweet. And then we went to see Wicked after.
[00:01:55] And yeah, it's hard to remember 16 years ago, but he had picked out a beautiful ring. It was a really.
[00:02:08] It was a really nice night. It was like. I think I remember. I mean, I remember kind of being like, oh, I wish we weren't going to Wicked so we could, like, go celebrate. But, um, anyways, 16 years ago, the corner of California, Broderick, next to my old apartment, which was approximately450.50 square feet, where my bed was in the closet.
[00:02:36] A lot of good memories in that. And.
[00:02:39] But I think it's probably time or maybe not to delete that calendar reminder reminding me that I have been with someone and divorced and I don't know, very weird.
[00:02:53] But anyways, we have been spending a lot of time together and that just made me.
[00:03:03] It was just. It was. It was. It was a weird reminder.
[00:03:06] And then also I was thinking, what did you guys do with all your old.
[00:03:12] With all your old. I'm probably like a very few that has been married twice and has, like two engagement rings and two. Two wedding rings. But what did you guys do with your jewelry if you got divorced? Did you have it made into something else? Did you have it made into something for your kids?
[00:03:30] Did you give it back?
[00:03:31] Like, I Hadn't even thought about giving it back until I was thinking about this episode. Like do. Am I just the asshole that kept, that keeps everything?
[00:03:41] I don't know. I feel like we were married, so it's not like we were engaged and I called off an engagement and I, I would have given it back then, but we were married for a long time. So I feel like it was right to keep it. But he, when we split and he moved out, he left his ring in a bathroom drawer for me. I guess, like for.
[00:04:03] He left it. I don't know what to make of that. It feels a little passive aggressive.
[00:04:10] But I'm also like, does that matter because we're got divorced. Like he didn't want to keep it.
[00:04:17] So I have four plus his. I have like five nice things that I could like have melted down, redesign, do something.
[00:04:27] I mean, I don't think I would give them to my kids because I would want. My kids are boys and I want them to save their pennies and find out what their girl likes and or boy likes and like do that. I would love to see, like if you guys have done something like cool with your jewelry, I'd love to see it because I'm looking for ideas and I need to maybe find somebody local to Denver that can help make something cool and new because I'm not at the point where it feels like this sentimental thing to me. I'm more like, well, why not wear the diamonds?
[00:05:04] Maybe, I don't know, maybe somebody I'm dating may have a problem with that.
[00:05:08] Like, but I'm not going to wear it on my wedding finger. I don't know, maybe a ring, a necklace, earrings, probably not earring, I don't know. Yeah, share my, Share your ideas with me because right now they're just sitting in a drawer and that feels like a pretty lonely place for them. And I tried to sell them once and like the offer I got was, it was so low. Like I was like, I could like go buy a pair of shoes with it. It was really bad because I know, I mean I know they spent a lot of money on these things and I understand like resell of jewelry is probably not great, but seriously, it was, it was bad. Like not even like take a trip.
[00:05:52] So yeah, Happy engagement. Sixteen years ago.
[00:05:59] Woohoo.
[00:06:01] Like I was saying, we've been spending quite a bit of time together, me and my ex husband. Basketball is in full swing and I, yeah, I'm kind of looking forward to not spending as much time with him. I mean we, I have Told you guys we get along phenomenal.
[00:06:25] Like, and, and phenomenal for, for a couple that is divorced, but basketball has put a little bit of a little strain on us. He is, you know, I think I've said this, like, he is the yeller at the refs and I am not. And I don't like that behavior. And it makes me angry for my son that his dad is like the one in the stands, like yelling every bad call.
[00:06:56] One ref, I think I told, I might have told you guys or if not, like, gave him a warning and told him he would be kicked out of the game.
[00:07:04] And then he, my ex was keeping his mouth shut and the ref thought he said something. And the ref was like, stop looking at me.
[00:07:15] And he was like, I'm not looking at you. And I was like, oh my God. It was like, man, children, another ref at a game told him to sit his ass down.
[00:07:25] And then the parents were pissed that the ref swore at the parent. And I'm like, he totally deserved it though. Like, it's a middle school fucking basketball game. Like, you don't need to be that dad.
[00:07:39] I, I just don't have any tolerance for it. So this, this week even I sat down next to him and I said, I'm like telling you, and I've like alluded to this before, but I said, I am telling you if you are like rowdy and yelling at the refs, like, I will not sit next to you.
[00:07:58] And I know we are both there cheering for the same kid, so it would be really unfortunate not to be able to like cheer him on together.
[00:08:07] It just makes me, it just sometimes you need the reminders too of like why you're not together.
[00:08:15] And so this is the perfect reminder.
[00:08:20] Also, like with my son plays on a three on three league and, or it's a tournament, but parents have been requested. They, everybody has to volunteer twice to run the clock or do the score books.
[00:08:36] And I, I sent him a text because I, I, I'm happy to do it. I just don't know what I'm doing. And he had, he had told me he would be willing to do it for us, which is great. But I sent him a text and I asked like, hey, have you signed up yet to do the books?
[00:08:55] And his response was no, but feel free to sign me up.
[00:09:00] And I'm like, are you fucking kidding me?
[00:09:05] Like, I'm not your wife anymore.
[00:09:10] Like, it is, it is not my job to even, even remind you to sign up.
[00:09:16] Like, it is not my job to sign you up.
[00:09:19] And I'm just, like, so annoyed because there's nowhere in my world where I would ever have that same answer for him.
[00:09:30] Like, how. How am I still doing the domestic duties of our partnership?
[00:09:36] And I know. I know we're talking about one little text, but, like, seriously, people, like, I don't know. I don't know if this is what you know, I.
[00:09:48] My marriage was a lot like that. And I'm very happy that I am out of it because I, again, did everything and then was told I was controlling. But, like, somebody has to track. Like, are we. Like, we as a family need to do this?
[00:10:05] We need to keep score.
[00:10:08] And you said you were gonna do it, and I was just making sure you did it, because I know you didn't. And. Well, no, but, Trace, feel free to sign me up.
[00:10:17] Oh, and I want to say go yourself, but I don't.
[00:10:23] So, anyways, we were also at a game this week, and I think this story is fascinating because I.
[00:10:33] I'm working through how to.
[00:10:38] How to evolve in situations that I'm uncomfortable.
[00:10:42] Me and my business partner, we are.
[00:10:46] We have participated in helping build one homeless shelter, and we are also working with an operator on another shelter on their operations and trying to get it up and functioning.
[00:10:58] And the.
[00:11:03] Going into a homeless shelter, I feel a sense of uncomfortability, a sense of privilege, because I am not there.
[00:11:16] I'm humbled. I'm uncomfortable.
[00:11:21] I have a lot of varying feelings, but they mostly are around discomfort.
[00:11:32] And why.
[00:11:33] And why do I have those feelings?
[00:11:35] So my son was playing basketball. He has a middle school tournament where it's like a March Madness break bracket thing.
[00:11:45] And him and his friends were in the car headed home from school before the game, and he said, mom, I think we're playing a team that is deaf.
[00:11:56] And, like, how will that work? You know? And. And so we talked about it for a while, and I was like, well, the sport is the sport, you know, like, you play the game and you play the rules of the game.
[00:12:12] And if one team is deaf, like, I don't know what accommodations will be made, but I'm sure there will be accommodations. I don't know if there's.
[00:12:21] If. If there's lights instead of a whistle or. I don't. I don't know anything about this. Maybe they can feel the vibration of a whistle or maybe you guys help them when calls made to communicate it or tell them to look at the ref. And he's like, I'm just really uncomfortable with this.
[00:12:42] And.
[00:12:44] Or maybe I asked him like, does it make you uncomfortable? And he was like, yes. And I was really proud of him for naming that because I think a lot of us feel that sense of being uncomfortable and we want to swallow it or not acknowledge it or pretend it doesn't matter. And I was proud that him and his friends in my car, we were having this conversation and I said, you know, I trust the coaches will help you navigate the situation too. But I said, you know, with any game, I said, I think your, your team, especially the team you have, is very kind and they are good sports.
[00:13:26] And like, I don't think this will be a big. I mean, I think it's uncomfortable for you, but I think it's a good experience for you to see that it doesn't matter if you have hearing or not. Like, this game can still be played and you guys can still have fun.
[00:13:44] So they go to warmup and this team comes in and my son plays on a all boy. It's a, it's an all boys league. But I think because of the school, the school, I believe, is like elementary through high school.
[00:13:57] Their team consisted of.
[00:14:00] It looked like almost a. Gosh, this one boy was so short. Maybe he was just really short, but he looked really young, like third grade.
[00:14:10] They also had two girls playing and then they had some older boys that had like full beards that looked like they were in high school.
[00:14:20] So not only are they playing a deaf team, they're playing this team that is very diverse.
[00:14:26] And even playing against a girl when you're in a boys league or I think is a challenge because I think they want to not treat them different, but treat them different, but not. But. And women are like, I don't want to be treated different. Like, how do you navigate that? So.
[00:14:45] And unfortunately, this team was really, really not very good.
[00:14:51] And our team is pretty good. And just out of the gate was way ahead and.
[00:15:02] But our team, I'm so proud of them. I'm so proud of these boys because they weren't these cocky kids, like, in your face. Like, they were kind.
[00:15:11] Like, they played the game, they played it fair.
[00:15:14] And when they realize, like, okay, we're, we're.
[00:15:19] We're more experienced, we have a better team. We want to make this a game, a game, a game that everybody enjoys playing.
[00:15:27] The coaches implemented that. They had to do like a five pass, five passes before anybody could shoot.
[00:15:33] And like, be mindful when you're blocking. Like, Silas is six foot. Oh, sorry, that's my son's name. My son is 6 foot and he like, don't. You don't need to block the kid that's three foot. Like you could just stand there. You don't need your hand. Like, like you don't need to play.
[00:15:51] Not play, but let's make accommodations. Maybe that's bad. I don't even know. But like, so that they can still have fun too, and you guys can still have fun and we'll work on some different drills and.
[00:16:05] Anyways, I thought that the kids handled it really well and.
[00:16:11] But what I did not like was that my ex husband was there and he was watching them warm up. And he's such a fucking dick sometimes. But like, I love him, but I'm. I'm. And I'm sorry I'm talking bad about him, but he was like, oh my God, we're gonna smoke these kids. Like, he says something like that and I'm like, dude, seriously, like, we all can see that. But like, you don't call it out. And he was just loud about it. You don't need to call it out.
[00:16:47] And halftime comes around and he's like, I'm out of here. Like, this isn't a game.
[00:16:54] Kind of like. And I gotta. I'm gonna go out with the guys, which I. I don't care. But don't come then. I don't know, like, it felt like a poor example to our son and to the guys playing that if it's not this intense game and if it's not like balls to the wall, like, it's not worth watching. And I had a really hard time. I have a hard time with that because I think instilling in our children good sportsmanship and how to enjoy the game regardless is the key. But maybe I'm just a softie. I don't know. I mean, maybe this is.
[00:17:36] I don't know, maybe this is how men are. I. But I watched several other men, other dads at the games and they all stayed. And there came a point where the girl on the other team, she was the best player they had. She was. She was everywhere. She was so good.
[00:17:54] And we were cheering for her because she was. And she was just out there having fun.
[00:18:01] I don't know. I feel like that's what it's about and really bothers me that he couldn't see that. And, you know, I think my son is too young to. Or maybe he picks up on that. I don't know. But yeah. So 16 years ago I got engaged and now I am eight years divorced.
[00:18:30] Anyways, I wanted to ask you guys, I Am looking for people to come on the show. I am looking for people that have lived experience either successfully in a marriage after 40, dating after 40, that have horror stories. You guys have heard mine that don't even know what to do with themselves because they're back out in this crazy world of dating stories of love, of failure, of heartbreak, of anything. I really just think diversifying this podcast and getting some of you guys on here would be amazing. So please, please, if you're interested and have a story, shoot me a message.
[00:19:18] You can find me on Instagram and Facebook. You can send it there or through my website. But I would love to hear your stories and maybe you're not comfortable telling your story. I'm happy if you want to share me. Share your story that you send it to me and I share it on your behalf. No names. I can come with secret code names. If you want your name to be something cool like Jet or whatever your alter ego wants, let me know. So that's what I'm looking for.
[00:19:50] And before we go, I do have a couple funnies for today.
[00:19:55] Well, they're not really.
[00:19:57] As always, they're not really funny. They're horrifying.
[00:20:00] A guy. I was on a page, and in his dating profile, uh, one of his images was, okay, imagine, like, a big, like, cargo van, kind of like a white work van or whatever. And it was. The back of the van was open, and it had just, like, black, like, a black liner on the inside of the van.
[00:20:27] And there was no, like, caption on this. It was just like, here's the back of my van. And it looked.
[00:20:36] And the woman had shared this photo, like, was like, maybe I'm watching too many true crime documentaries or true crime shows. But, like, this is fucking creepy. Like, it totally looked like if you watch Dexter, like, where he would abduct you, put you in the van, kill you. And then the van was able to be, like, cleaned easy. Like, dude, like, maybe that's. Maybe that's kind of what the guy was going for. I. I really don't know. But super creepy. And a hard pass.
[00:21:11] And please, ladies, like, hard pass.
[00:21:15] I remember in high school, I dated a guy that drove a van. He had a brown van. And. And my dad was like, you're not going anywhere in that van. And I'm like, what the fuck? Like, why can't I go out with him?
[00:21:31] Like, he. Just. Because he drives a van. My dad's like, there's probably a mattress in the back, and you're gonna get it on. And.
[00:21:39] Oh, my God. That was like my first intro to vans. And we didn't.
[00:21:46] But I would take. Well, I don't know if I'd take a bet over a mur. Murder van. I don't know.
[00:21:53] Just. Hard pass, ladies.
[00:21:56] And then.
[00:21:59] Oh, this grosses me out. But this person. Man, put the prompt. Was an odd habit of mine.
[00:22:10] A billion dollars if you can guess what it is.
[00:22:15] Guess not eating my toenails.
[00:22:23] Oh, my God.
[00:22:24] I can't.
[00:22:26] Oh, do I just want to know, does that work? Does any. Does any woman like. I'm willing to overlook that.
[00:22:43] What the is wrong with people?
[00:22:48] So I'm sorry. I just ruined your next meal for you. I apologize. And don't eat your toenails. And don't get into murder vans. Those are my words of wisdom for you today.
[00:23:05] Thank you guys for listening. I hope you have a lovely week, and I will talk to you next week.
