Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Foreign.
[00:00:05] Hi there, it's Tracy. And welcome back to flirting after 40.
[00:00:10] So this last week has been a lot.
[00:00:18] I am really, really trying to honor, like I've, I've said for this, like season two and this next year, honor myself and my feels and do things that empower myself and make me feel better. And this last week has been really challenging.
[00:00:49] So I told you guys that J Man and I had decided to give it a try again.
[00:00:58] And I, I really, I really love him and I really wanted it to work.
[00:01:15] But, you know, a couple weeks ago I was, I was talking about when we had decided to call it off or when I told him I thought we were not compatible, that I had that, this, this feeling in my gut, you know, like that. That our guts don't normally lie to us and that I thought it was very important to listen to your gut and very important for me to listen to my gut. And when we decided to, you know, when we decided to give it a try, I, I was hopeful and I think he was hopeful. And we both, we both want the same thing. Like, I think we both want to find our person that we can do life with. I really thought he could be my person.
[00:02:14] So. So we hung out a couple times and then he had planned a date for us last, last week. And we went out for dinner. We went out for some drinks and went out for dinner. And I honestly can't even tell you how we got into a fight.
[00:02:35] I'm sure it's my fault. I don't want to say I picked a fight, but I maybe wasn't as gracious as I should be or I don't know, I don't know. But anyways, we got in a big ass fight while we were at dinner. And like, no one likes to be the couple that's fighting in a restaurant. I make fun of those people. I hate those people. And I was in tears and it was just all around bad and came back to his house and continued into continued fighting. And I, when I say I don't even remember what we were fighting about, I don't even remember what we were fighting about because I think like, I shut down in a way and my body just. I just, I don't, I don't know what happened. So anyways, we got a big fight and he had, he said like, we should just.
[00:03:39] Maybe we should just take a break anyways.
[00:03:44] Fine, we're taking a break. He went away. He had travel, planned a trip, so he was gone this weekend.
[00:03:52] And I like went into a really Dark place.
[00:04:00] And, like, I have, you know, I have some issues with depression. And, and I, I, I got really, I'm like, I'm saying it like, you can just snap out of depression, but, like, I got really depressed and really sad and, like, didn't leave my couch or my bed for three days after that. And that really fucks with you.
[00:04:35] And the thing that I just kept thinking about is that, that gut feeling and why do I have this feeling in me that he's not right? And then I had shame around.
[00:05:00] Did I, have I not given this my full.
[00:05:08] Like, have I not given this my all?
[00:05:10] Or should I have said things more often? Did I brush things under the rug?
[00:05:17] Or, you know, I'm, I just, am I just broken in the sense of I don't, I'm not good at relationships, you know?
[00:05:40] And, I mean, I sat in that for a long time. And he and I were texting a little bit during his trip, and it was good. I mean, it was fine. It was not good, but.
[00:05:56] And I really, during, like, our text was focused on, like, we can make this work and that we do have something really good. He's a great, He's a great guy.
[00:06:10] He's one of the best people I've ever met in my life. And Tracy, why would you let that go?
[00:06:22] And I went to therapy on Monday because I'm an adult and this is what we do.
[00:06:30] And I, I think I've told you guys, like, I've been with my therapist for eight years, and I love her dearly.
[00:06:43] And I didn't even know what to. I was like, I don't even know I'm here. I just know that, like, this weekend was really bad.
[00:06:52] And this is not good for me to feel like this, this is not good for me to be in this limbo. This is not healthy.
[00:07:03] And I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can make this work.
[00:07:10] And so we talked about that, and that's where the word, like, shame came up. Because I, I really think that our trip to Costa Rica over my birthday was the trigger for me.
[00:07:28] It was not a good trip.
[00:07:32] I mean, it was, it was a good trip, but it was not the ideal trip in any way.
[00:07:37] And I saw things that I had problems with, and I didn't bring up a lot of them in Costa Rica because I was just like, I want us to have a good time. But I did bring them up after.
[00:07:51] And recently J. Man had said, which was great to hear, that he thought the trip was not good too.
[00:08:02] And he had not said that before, and it was validating because I thought, maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe this is.
[00:08:16] But during therapy, it's big conversations, like, is this.
[00:08:22] Could you see yourself with this person in 20 years, eating dinner at Cracker Barrel and having a good time?
[00:08:31] And I was like, I. I don't know. Like, I don't. I don't know that I could see myself taking a trip with him in six months and having a good time.
[00:08:44] And I know that's a generalization and that's. That's not fair, but I think what I gave, what I gathered from that trip is that I didn't want to do that again.
[00:09:01] And I. We both j. Man and I both said, like, we want to do better and he wants to do better and thinks we can do better and are better, but I'm not sure.
[00:09:21] And is it fair of me to feel that way? Yes.
[00:09:27] Is it fair for me to not want to try? Yes. Does it. Do I feel like a fucking asshole? Yes.
[00:09:33] I feel like a total dick because he's a good person that wants to try and I don't.
[00:09:43] I had this feeling inside of me, and I feel like it sparked from the trip and it sparked from conversations about the trip and his.
[00:09:54] His and my. What we're looking out of from a trip or out of our person.
[00:09:59] I mean, I really want sweet cards and letters and at six months traveling to Costa Rica. I want fucking passion. And I want.
[00:10:16] I want it to be the best trip ever. I want it to be the. The trip that we measure all trips against, because six months in, we should be staying up all night talking and fucking and having a great time.
[00:10:28] And it wasn't that trip. And is it fair of me to not keep trying?
[00:10:36] I don't know.
[00:10:38] But the way I felt this last weekend that like.
[00:10:44] Like I was physically sick.
[00:10:47] I missed my son's basketball game because I was so down and I was so in my head trying to figure out, like, what is wrong with me or what is wrong with us that I couldn't even go.
[00:11:10] And that's a really shitty feeling.
[00:11:13] And so if I am feeling that when we're on a break and I'm feeling that, it's fair for me to say I don't want to do it anymore.
[00:11:28] And it's.
[00:11:30] I believe it's.
[00:11:32] It's good. It was good for me to walk away.
[00:11:37] So that's what I did.
[00:11:41] And I'm a fucking asshole because I did it over text and I talked to my therapist about this too, because I have. I had.
[00:11:52] I was like, what do I do? Like.
[00:11:56] And she's like, you text him. And I'm like, I can't just text him and say this. And she's like, yes, you can, because you guys have already had the fights about it. This isn't new. You guys have already talked endlessly about it.
[00:12:15] And. And by text, she's like, you know, you.
[00:12:21] You stand your ground and you don't.
[00:12:25] Because I. I feel. I feel really bad. You don't get.
[00:12:30] You don't give somebody a chance to sway you, or you don't look at them and think, what am I doing? She's like, when you know, you know you just need to do it.
[00:12:40] And.
[00:12:43] Yeah, so I'm a dick. And I texted him and I was. I was having a conversation with a friend a little bit about this because I don't like that method. But I.
[00:13:00] I also, like, felt like I couldn't stay in this limbo for another two days until I saw him.
[00:13:08] And I didn't want to rehash it all because we've already said it all.
[00:13:16] And the thing about your gut feeling and the way you feel inside is I can't even describe what that feeling is.
[00:13:28] So I don't even have a good explanation for why I don't want to be with him, except there's something inside of me that says it's not right and that he's not my person.
[00:13:42] And there's no nice way to say that. And there's no.
[00:13:48] There's no good way to communicate that. So I was talking to a friend a little bit about, like, text or get. Get together, whatever. And I think I've talked about this before. Nice versus kind of.
[00:14:06] I was being kind.
[00:14:08] Kind is not prolonging.
[00:14:13] Kind is direct.
[00:14:15] Kind is clear.
[00:14:19] Nice is everything that. That is not. Nice is opening the door for more conversation to get us more confused.
[00:14:29] Nice is waiting until Wednesday to see him.
[00:14:37] But that's not kind.
[00:14:40] Kind is when you know what you need to do, you do it. Kind is, yeah, being direct and honest with yourself and with somebody else, even when it hurts.
[00:14:52] And so, yeah, we are. We are no longer together. And I.
[00:15:05] I am sad because there's so much potential. And I'm sad because I love him. And I'm sad because I know he loves me, but the thing I'm looking for and the person I'm looking for in my gut, it's not him.
[00:15:27] And should I have said something right after Costa Rica? I don't Even know if I knew it, I knew things weren't good.
[00:15:34] Should I have said things four weeks ago? Six weeks? I mean, I feel like I did.
[00:15:40] And we were trying to work through it, and at the end of the day, there are just things that I couldn't get over.
[00:15:49] And there is that feeling that I couldn't ignore.
[00:15:54] So I'm off my couch. I'm out of my bed.
[00:15:57] And while I'm very sad that this didn't work out, and I'm sad we have put ourselves through, I feels like a month and a half of hell.
[00:16:10] I feel lighter by having made the decision, and I feel back in control.
[00:16:19] And that might sound really shitty as well, but I feel like I'm back in control of my feelings and my thoughts and my nervous system and my life.
[00:16:37] And I really think he will make somebody so happy and really think he's a fantastic person. Just not my person.
[00:16:51] There's no going back on this.
[00:16:54] This is what it is. There's. I won't be on next week telling you guys we're back together.
[00:17:01] That door is closed.
[00:17:03] And by closing that door, I have a sense of peace within me.
[00:17:11] But I'm definitely the asshole. I'm definitely the dick here. I can own that. And I've learned that.
[00:17:21] You know, I feel like I'm pretty good addressing things as they come up or within hours or days of them coming up.
[00:17:30] But I wasn't very good about addressing this trip and how deeply I.
[00:17:41] How deeply unhappy I was from it.
[00:17:45] And I'm not saying that was the demise of our relationship, but if I had to pinpoint when things changed and how they changed, it was largely due to that trip.
[00:18:00] So no more trips with men to Costa Rica.
[00:18:06] Only by myself and maybe. Maybe a few girlfriends here and there.
[00:18:14] Yeah.
[00:18:16] So dating lives on.
[00:18:22] I have zero desire to date right now, but, you know, the show is about love and finding yourself in your 40s or after 40s. So that's the mission, and that's what I'm gonna do.
[00:18:45] I think I told you guys that my son had asked me, you know, what. What about you? And, like, what happened with you and Jayman? And I'd said, we broke up. And he said, oh, poor J Man. And he was really sympathetic to him, which is seriously the sweetest thing.
[00:19:04] Then we got back together, and J Man was over. We made pasta and the kids were around, and it was. It was good.
[00:19:13] And literally last night, my son came into my room and he asked me, how's it going with J Man? And I Said we broke up, but. Or I broke up with him again and we broke up.
[00:19:32] He's like, oh, Mom, I'm. He's like, again.
[00:19:36] I said, yeah. I said, you know, it just, it just wasn't meant to be. He. It just, it got to the point where it didn't feel good.
[00:19:48] And I made the decision to do, to, to end it and to selfishly, I guess, choose my well being over the well being of us.
[00:20:06] And the thing about talking to him about it is that it open, it opens a door for him to talk to me about his relationship with his girlfriend. And I, I get it, they're in eighth grade. And, but to open dialogue about what's healthy and what's not.
[00:20:29] And for me to tell him like some of the things that I did that are unhealthy for him to recognize some of the things that he has done with her relation, their relationship is not healthy. But he is recognizing that he is not happy in that relationship.
[00:20:51] And he's trying to navigate how to let her down.
[00:20:56] And there's no way, there's no good way to break up with someone. There's no good way to end a relationship. There's no way to ask for divorce or to walk away and leave somebody you once loved.
[00:21:12] It sucks. It sucks if you're the one on the receiving end. And it sucks if you're on the one on the end of the, of the doer sucks. And we were able to have a really good conversation about that.
[00:21:29] And so like, I talked to him about my therapy and my therapist and what I talked about in therapy and how I felt and kind of her advice of trusting your intuition and trusting your gut and being clear with your feelings, and it was, it was good. He, he said, I, you know, mom, I don't think I need therapy, but, but maybe I would be open to that because it sounds like it's really helpful.
[00:22:07] And I was so proud of him because like, his dad, I asked, when I was married, I, I asked to go to therapy with his dad probably a hundred times, and his dad was like that therapy sucks. I'm not going to therapy. I'm fine, I'm fine. I can do this. I don't need it.
[00:22:26] And it made me realize that, you know, maybe like, the bright side of this, this shitty fucking situation is that my son is seeing that communication is good and taking care of yourself is good and that therapy is good and not a bad thing and not something to be ashamed of and that we all need someone to talk to. And he said, you know, mom, you could be my therapist. I said, I'm not qualified to be your therapist, buddy, but I will always talk to you. And I was always listen and I, I will, I will try to always give advice if you want it and, and help you through the situations.
[00:23:14] And I just thought it was really, it's really cool that through this it has opened. Not that we didn't have that ability to communicate before, but it has opened up an avenue for us to talk freely and talk more openly about our feelings, about our relationships with other people and acknowledge that we're not perfect and we hurt people.
[00:23:42] But that doesn't make us a bad person because, because we're not a bad person.
[00:23:50] We're not bad people.
[00:23:55] So, yes, we want to wish.
[00:24:00] J. Manuel, I do hope someday he and I could be friends. I think we would be really great friends. But I don't have high hopes for that.
[00:24:10] But, but you never know what will happen in our world.
[00:24:16] I don't have any funnies for you guys today.
[00:24:19] It was a pretty bleak weekend. But I do promise next week I will come back with some funnies. I will come back with some lightness.
[00:24:29] It won't feel every day. It won't feel this heavy, it won't feel this bad.
[00:24:34] But I'm going to take a little time to heal and I hope he does too. And yeah, I'll be back though with some humor, some horrible dating profiles and I can't think about dating because I don't want to think about dating. But I'm sure I'll be back with some God awful dating stories as well. So thank you guys always for listening and for the love.
[00:25:11] Talk to you next week.
