Here Comes The Manther

[00:00:00] Foreign. [00:00:08] Hey there. This is Tracy with flirting after 40. Thanks for joining me today. [00:00:14] Uh, I have had a. [00:00:16] Odd day. I would say the. The feedback I have received on the podcast has been really great. Um, I did share the fact that I am doing this podcast with friends and family, and in that message, I made sure to let people know that if they were offended by conversations around sex, homosexuality, offensive language, or if you had dated me or been married to me or we're in a relationship, whatever context, and you didn't want to hear about yourself, you should probably not listen. [00:00:57] Um, well, I don't think everybody took that. [00:01:04] And for what it was worth, and I have now offended ex husband number one. I received a. [00:01:13] A message from him this morning that, you know, know he's very angry and hurt over the things I had to say. [00:01:23] That is never. That was not my intention. That's. That's not what I was looking to do. And I. And I know hearing things 20 years later about a relationship you were in that you maybe didn't even know is hard. I. I am no saint. Things I could have done better, and that relationship is communicate better and talk about these things. [00:01:47] But I was so young, and that's not an excuse for my behavior. But, you know, our relationship 20 years ago was completely different than I think the people we are today. And when I share my stories, it's as I remember them. And he was very upset that I made him out to look like a alcoholic, that I made him out to look like he was not emotionally available to me, but that was my reality. And, you know, saying that out loud to the world, I'm sorry, that's how it came out. But my truth in this is still the same. And these relationships make us who we are today. Now, do I think that's who he is today? No, I don't think that's who he is today. But at that time in our relationship, that is what I thought. That is what I felt. I never felt more alone than when I was there with him. [00:03:04] You know, I do think a lot had to do with the drinking. I do think we were just not in a spot. We were just. We shouldn't have gotten married. We were so young. And I think, you know, I don't talk about all the good things, but I do think he's a great guy. He's the hardest worker of anybody I've ever dated. Maybe I should have led with that instead of the bad stuff. There's a. There's a lot of good that exists within relationships, too. I was just trying to give a high level, quick summary of my relationship and why it failed. [00:03:44] And I do apologize that it hurt someone's feelings. And I do apologize that I didn't give notice to this individual that I was doing this. But it's been 20 years and I don't feel like I owe that to anyone. [00:04:04] So that's how my morning started. So I just wanted to make sure I was clear with everyone that I'm doing this for me. [00:04:12] My stories are as I remember them. There are always two sides to every story. And unfortunately, you are just hearing my side. [00:04:21] I will try to do a better job of sharing my, my faults and where I need to work, but I have been doing the work. [00:04:33] So 20 years ago, 20 years ago, Tracy, there is completely different than who I am today. And I have worked through things. I have gone to therapy. You know, it's, it's interesting that in the message he sent me, he says, FYI, you won't find big love until you're honest with yourself and who you are. [00:04:57] Okay. [00:04:59] I feel like I am honest with myself and who I am and I feel like I have done the work. I go to therapy. I am so much more self aware now than I was 20 years ago. [00:05:14] So end of rant, end of update. [00:05:19] But I just wanted to let everybody know that, that this is my interpretation of how things went and these are my stories. And again, my intent is never to hurt anyone by doing this. [00:05:33] Okay, so moving on. So this week we're trying some different things. So clearly online dating is online dating. And I haven't had a lot of success with that in the last couple weeks. So one of my best friends was travel and talking to some guy at a bar. Just, you know, friendly chit chat as you do when you travel. And this gentleman, I guess, was talking about how he's single and what he's looking for and all these things. And so my friend got his card and said, hey, you know, I, I have a single friend, she might be interested in you. [00:06:20] So this is in Cleveland, Ohio. I live in Denver. [00:06:25] So we're gonna call him Cleveland. So I figured, why the hell not? She sends me a picture of his card, she tells me a little bit about who this guy is. And so I blindly text a stranger saying, hi, like, you met my friend at a bar. [00:06:41] Here's who I am, just throwing it out there because you never know. I don't, I don't think it's going to be a love connection. We texted back and forth for a while but it's kind of a fun way to meet somebody, just totally blindly, I mean. And you never know, maybe, maybe we will meet and he could be great. I don't know. We're not to that point. I haven't heard from him in a couple days. But he is, his birthday's this week. He is 58, I'm 45. So that's. To me that's a pretty big age gap. I have dated older in the past. My ex husband number two was 10 years older than me. That doesn't scare me a lot. But it got me thinking and it got, I asked him, I said, what do you think about the age difference? And his response was, he doesn't see anything wrong with it. He's dated much younger. [00:07:42] And I was like, how, how young? And he was saying he was with a 27 year old, not a relationship, but just friends. And okay, that's 30 years. [00:07:56] I don't know if I'm okay with that. And I'm, I'm judging out loud. 30 years. Even if you're just screwing around. [00:08:06] I, I can't imagine that. I can't imagine what I would have in common with someone that is 30 years older than me or 15. [00:08:19] It's my son's age almost. I just, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know how I feel about that. And so, so this got me, this got me thinking. Source story of the day is about, it's about that and what is, I guess, you know, to each their own. What is an age appropriate relationship look like? I also did some research because I know women are called cougars when they are older and go after the younger guys, which I'm trying to open myself up to. Not young, young, but I'm, I'm considering maybe talking to gentlemen that are late, early 40s, which I don't typically do, but maybe that's the secret. But my story, and, and I'm telling this story because today is also my son's birthday and he's turning 13 and he is a mini me. And I, and I could see him doing the things that I did when I was younger to my parents and I can see that he is going to be a reason for me to worry. He's, he's, he's so much like me that I am going to be worried about him as he gets older. [00:09:32] So I can relate back to my parents. [00:09:36] So when I was in college, I was working at a tanning salon, Acapulco Tanning in Michigan. So I Was probably. Gosh, I don't even think I was 21 yet. So I was 20, and this gentleman came in and would flirt with me. He was really nice. And one day he. [00:10:03] God, this is so gross. So I don't know if you've been to a tanning salon in the last decade, but they, you know, you get towels and you can wipe down the bed. And he made a sweaty towel. I don't know, monkey or bear. Some kind of towel animal. After he cleaned up his sweat. So sweet of him. He made this towel animal and put it on the bed with his phone number, asking me out. I believe it was. I believe that's how it went anyways, so I thought that was so adorable. [00:10:37] God. So anyways, I. I don't necessarily even remember how we ended up connecting, but I reached out to him, or we were talking more as he came in and out of the tanning place. But he was 14 years older, so I was 20. He was 34. And at the time, I was. A little rebellion, you know, woman. And I was like, yeah, there's nothing wrong with that. Like, that's cool. Like, he likes me. He's got a job and a house and a daughter. He was divorced. He went to usc. Like, he was really. There was this captivating energy about him. And I think a lot of it was because I was young and he was older. [00:11:21] My poor parents. And this is why I bring this up on my son's birthday, because my poor parents just. [00:11:29] I know, I know they freaked the fuck out. [00:11:32] And now, being a parent, I don't blame them. But at the time, I didn't think there was anything wrong with it. I was in college. [00:11:43] I don't know. It was fun. I would come back down and spend weekends with him. And I want to say we dated a year, maybe. I remember I spent Y2K with him. [00:11:59] So, yeah, I was 20. I couldn't even drink. Like, I can't imagine now being my age and dating someone that. Or being 34 and dating someone that is 20. I can't drink it. Can't do the things. It is. Not a adult yet. So the story continues where. And this is a pattern that you guys will probably learn about me is that I'm a very giving person. [00:12:28] And. And that goes financially, too. I mean, I remember. [00:12:33] I think I bought. I mean, I bought him stuff for his house. Um, and at the time, I. I was kind of playing house, I want to say. Like, I thought it was really cool. I don't know. Um. [00:12:49] So part of Our story, we planned a trip to Vegas. This was my first trip ever to Vegas. And this is 25 years ago, so my memory is a little blurry here. But we had a good time and we were, we rented a car because we were going to drive to California. We were going to drive down to USC to see his college campus and spend one night there and then come back to Vegas, spend another night or two and then fly out. [00:13:22] And I'm racking my brain, but for some reason I rented the car. [00:13:30] And so I must have been 21 at this time. I rented the car and put it on my credit card. [00:13:41] And I can't remember why he didn't, because one would think he would have. So we get in the car, get on the freeway, we're driving to California. [00:13:53] Right in front of us, a semi blows a tire and the tire flies into the hood and the windshield of the car and just destroys the whole car. Like the car is totaled. [00:14:11] Oh, my God. So we pull over, deal with all of this. But. But it is now on my insurance. [00:14:19] I'm 21. It is now on my credit card because they're like, we're gonna charge you, I don't know, $10,000 until we can figure out the cost of the repair or your insurance covers it, blah, blah, blah, like horrible experience. And, you know, I'm young and he's older, wiser, one would think. And it still fell on me. These are the patterns I talk about, the things I. [00:14:45] And anyways, so we get back. I can't even remember how, but we get back to Vegas and now we have to book another night. So somehow that fell on me. So I booked another night and we got charged for a hotel in California. And I feel like I, in my brain, I paid for this trip. Maybe it was my idea, I don't remember. But I remember at that moment that I was like, what the fuck am I doing? You know, here I am with a grown ass man and I'm taking care of him. I am fronting the cost. I'm now, I'm now liable for all these things. Oh, my gosh. So I think we got back to Michigan, we split up. I think I called it off. I was like, this is just too much for me. This isn't gonna work. I would say a couple months later, I'm in town for Christmas and he asked like, can I see you? Can we go for a drive? And I said, sure. So we went for this drive and he pulls over, walks over to my side of the car, gets down on a knee and pulls out a ring and asks me to marry him. [00:15:59] Gosh. [00:16:01] Like, no, I'm not going to marry you. No. And again, this has nothing to do with age or whatever at this point. But no, I'm not marrying you. [00:16:11] So I go home and my. My poor parents again are like, what in the world is happening? I walk in the house and my mom is standing there. She's like, how did it go? And I said, well, he proposed. [00:16:28] And my mom. My mom's face said it all. But she says, what did you say? And I said, I said no. And all she said was good girl. And she walked away. [00:16:43] Oh. [00:16:45] So anyways, with this story, I don't know if it has anything really to do with age at the time. It did. And. And I do prefer to date older men, I think. [00:16:58] But circling back, I think 30 years is a lot. [00:17:03] Um, so I did some research on. Cause I was like, what is a man called that dates younger women versus a woman? Is a cougar. So Manther is man man. Ther. Like a man panther. I don't know. Manther is the. It appears to be the top rated name for this. We also have Rhino. Urban Dictionary says Rhino is the name of a man that is significantly old, older dating a younger woman. That one is new to me. A lot of people online were saying, like, sugar daddy or silver fox. But to me, I mean, just because you're dating clearly, like in my situation, someone that is older or as a man, someone that is younger, it doesn't mean you have money. It doesn't mean you're a sugar daddy. To me, sugar daddy is like all about the money and silver fox. I'm sorry, that's reserved for those, like, stunning George Clooney men that age fine, that are beautiful, that have that silver look. So man fur is the name I'm going with. Hey, so our funny for the day. It's not so funny, but I was talking to this guy on Bumble and it actually was going really good. It was just a fun evening of banter. Just messages back and forth. This week I thought it was good. Like, kept reaching out. I don't know, we were talking about maybe getting together, etc. And then this weekend I get this text from him and it says, maybe the love of my life got stuck in a condom. [00:18:45] I guess that's a way to tell somebody you don't like them. I mean, I don't. I don't know what to say to that. I said my response was, okay then, like, maybe the love of my life got stuck in a condom. So they're just not here. And now you're telling this to someone you're chatting with. Like, that's a new clue that I haven't heard before, but I'm going to take that as yes. We're not a match. Or he's. He's not interested. [00:19:17] Yeah. So on to the next week. Maybe next week we will have better luck. But I appreciate everybody listening today. Thank you for all the feedback. [00:19:29] That is kind. And even if it's not kind, I do appreciate it. And I am working to become better. So thanks, everybody and have a great week. [00:19:49] It.