Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Foreign.
[00:00:04] Hi there, it's Tracy. And welcome back to flirting after 40.
[00:00:09] I owe you all an apology for not recording or sending a message the last two weeks.
[00:00:19] I feel like last week I was just purely exhausted.
[00:00:25] I feel like I don't know what's happening in the world right now.
[00:00:32] Solar eclipse, moon eclipse. I don't know.
[00:00:36] But, like, the last couple weeks, I'm just saying, like, work and home have felt like a lot.
[00:00:47] I mean, I can even, like, just. Even the last three days has.
[00:00:53] It's felt like a week in my brain for work.
[00:00:59] So I had told you guys that I had reached out to J. Man, and we would see where that went.
[00:01:10] So I'm gonna kind of fill you in on that.
[00:01:13] Also, I had today, and I'm not going to get into this because I. I try not to talk about my kids on this, but I.
[00:01:31] I found something in my son's room that he should not have had.
[00:01:37] And, God, you know, I just. Parenting is hard, and I feel like I do. I try my hardest, you know, and. And I also try to give my kids the room to mess up in the room to be who they want to be. And, like, God, I think parenting is hard.
[00:02:11] And maybe it was hard when our parents were parenting us, but, God, I feel like it's really hard these days.
[00:02:23] And, like, I want.
[00:02:31] I want him to have the opportunities to fail and to rebuild and to be better, but I also want to keep him alive and safe.
[00:02:43] And so that was today.
[00:02:50] So I feel like I've been. Yes, I've been a little distracted, but I really want to focus on how I want to be better and how I want to show up, because that's the only thing I have control of, and that's the only thing I have control of as a parent, as a partner, as a friend, and that's.
[00:03:27] That's what I can do.
[00:03:29] So I have been thinking for the last couple weeks about this.
[00:03:35] This quote I read. I actually posted it on my, like, Facebook, Instagram. I think it was back in 2018.
[00:03:44] And it's from one of my favorite books. And if you haven't read it, you should absolutely, absolutely read it. It's. You're a badass.
[00:03:52] This quote.
[00:03:54] Our thoughts become our words, our words become our beliefs. Our beliefs become our actions. Our actions become our habits, and our habits become realities.
[00:04:10] And I have always been a believer of what you think and how you show up is what you put out into the world and what you attract.
[00:04:25] So I'm going to use this podcast as an Example, focusing on the shit ass men and the shit ass profiles we see that are funny.
[00:04:43] But that's, that's what I'm talking about.
[00:04:48] That's what I'm putting in the world.
[00:04:50] So what I'm attracting is probably that.
[00:04:56] And it's a really like, it's kind of a woo woo concept of, you know, the things you think, the things you talk about are what you attract. But that's what this quote is. Our thoughts become our words, our words become our beliefs.
[00:05:14] So if I'm sitting here talking about shitty men, shitty relationships, that becomes what I believe I'm gonna get.
[00:05:27] And our beliefs become our actions, and our actions become our habits, and our habits become our realities.
[00:05:35] But if you recall, when I started this podcast, I was looking for love.
[00:05:45] And yes, I have so many shitty stories to share that I think my intention was that they would make everyone feel better or make you feel better about something, or if you had a curiosity to help you go explore it. Because that, I mean, truly at the root of what I was trying to do, that was it.
[00:06:12] So.
[00:06:17] With J, man, he broke a lot of the, he broke, I don't know, what do we call them? The barriers, the assumptions.
[00:06:30] He's a good human. And I've never said he's not a good ass man. He's a good man.
[00:06:37] And yeah, he's fucked up. I fucked up.
[00:06:42] But at the end of the day, what does a relationship look like to me?
[00:06:49] I'm 45. Sorry, 46.
[00:06:55] What does it look like? It looks different than when I'm 20 or 18 or 25 even.
[00:07:03] Like, I, I keep, you know, I know I've talked about this, like, I'm, I'm waiting for this like, feeling, but what if that feeling doesn't exist anymore after you have all the life experience?
[00:07:21] What if it doesn't exist because we're smarter?
[00:07:28] You know that, like, you meet somebody and you're like, oh my God, this person is amazing. And it's 20 minutes after meeting the person, you have nothing, you know, you know nothing about this person. Yet we're all in.
[00:07:44] Like, I was kind of waiting for that feeling.
[00:07:48] But what if history is protecting us from that feeling? What if history is telling us to lean in to the safe, to the secure, to the person that shows up, like, to being more vocal about our needs.
[00:08:13] Like, I, I think I, I, I feel like I am a very direct person.
[00:08:19] I'm very direct at work.
[00:08:22] I'm direct because I have a fucking podcast and I talk about the things I think and I feel. But, like, in the moment, if somebody makes me uncomfortable, am I direct?
[00:08:35] No.
[00:08:37] I, like, suck it down, I analyze it, and then I reflect, and then I say something.
[00:08:50] So in a relationship, I do the same thing. But what if my partner is asking me to just show up as I am and say the things that I think and feel when I feel them?
[00:09:05] Can I do that?
[00:09:10] So my J Man story, I'm not going to get into a lot of it, but I think he's worth investing in, and he wants to invest in me, and he wants to be better, and he wants to show up for me in a way that I want him to show up.
[00:09:38] And what if we have, like, we've had so many of these, like, deep conversations.
[00:09:45] What if love.
[00:09:49] What if showing up looks completely different at 46 than it did at 20?
[00:10:00] And, like, I think I've been waiting for that feeling of something when I was younger, and I've been waiting for this lightning bolt.
[00:10:13] But. But what if love is safe?
[00:10:18] What if love is compromising?
[00:10:21] I'm not like, I feel like I'm, like, saying marriage vows, but, like, I'm trying to look at it in a very practical way.
[00:10:32] And what if me doing this podcast and focusing on the shit men that are out there has been what I have been projecting?
[00:10:46] Like, what if I made my reality about that and my reality should really be about a safe and stable man that is willing to work on himself, work on our relationship, and reflect inward?
[00:11:09] Like, isn't that what we want?
[00:11:14] So that quote about what we think, what we say, what we believe is what will come into our lives?
[00:11:28] What if I was shunning the good stuff for this? Because also, like, the podcast, like, shitty men are entertaining and, like, there's no doubt about that, and stable, healthy relationships are not.
[00:11:53] And that's okay.
[00:11:55] So I took a step back and honestly, I think I need to take a break from the podcast so that I can actually refocus my energy, my thoughts to what matters.
[00:12:14] And I don't know if J Man and I will be a thing, make it, but I feel like I owe him and us the chance.
[00:12:29] And I owe. I feel like I owe myself the chance of thinking and believing that this love as possible.
[00:12:43] And I don't know that I can do that while hosting the podcast, which makes me sad because.
[00:12:55] This has been such an amazing outlet for me and I have learned so much, and I feel like I have built, like, the relations that relationships that I have with friends have grown drastically because of this.
[00:13:14] I love when friends Are like, oh, I feel like I talk to you all the time. And I'm like, I haven't talked to you for a month.
[00:13:21] And they're like, well, I listen to your podcast, so you know it's happening.
[00:13:25] Like, that's such a compliment.
[00:13:27] And I'm sad that, like, the people that listen, I'm not gonna be there on your morning drive or whatever it is. But I also think if I really stop and look at what the intent was for this, it was to find love.
[00:13:50] And I owe it to myself to try to invest in that.
[00:13:57] So, yeah, this is going to be my last podcast, at least for a while.
[00:14:07] If I come back with or without J Man, I don't think it's going to be on date. I think it's going to be on what life looks like when you're 46 and a single parent and work is hard and just how you show up for yourself in general.
[00:14:32] Um, but I think I need a few weeks to reflect and think about if that's something I really want to invest my time in as well. Because this.
[00:14:50] Being vulnerable and showing up weekly for a podcast is.
[00:14:56] It's a lot.
[00:14:57] And I want to make sure that I am being true to myself and what I need and what my family needs.
[00:15:08] So I'm going to pause this. I'm not going to say this is the end. I'm going to pause.
[00:15:19] And so I hope you follow, because if I start this back up, it will be under the same platform. It will be flirting after 40, because we don't need to flirt with someone. We can flirt with our lives and what our lives look like.
[00:15:35] And I. And I think there is power in that, too.
[00:15:39] And I am just grateful that you guys have let me into your lives and listened along on my journey and shared your stories back with me.
[00:15:54] So this is not as I'm crying like, goodbye. It's just, we're gonna take a pause and maybe I'll be back, maybe I won't. I don't know. Let me know what you think, but take this lesson and think about it before I end.
[00:16:20] I.
[00:16:25] I was also looking at this book, and it's daring greatly.
[00:16:32] And I have all these, like, dog ears. Like a dog ear things when, like, something resonates with me.
[00:16:42] And I went to record last week and I pulled this book out, and the first page I opened, too, had this quote.
[00:16:55] We cultivize love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.
[00:17:11] Love is not something we give or get.
[00:17:15] It is something that we nurture and grow. A connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them.
[00:17:26] We can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
[00:17:30] Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection. The damage the roots damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged and healed and rare.
[00:17:52] I thought that was such a profound.
[00:18:00] It's like it's not scripture because this isn't a Bible, but like, reading to come upon the first thing I opened in that book, and I'm going to go back. We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known.
[00:18:24] And I think about this all the time.
[00:18:29] I.
[00:18:33] I think I've talked about this relationship I have in business with a friend.
[00:18:40] I look at our friendship and the evolution of it, and I look at. I have another friendship.
[00:18:50] I came to Denver and her and I had met via a friend and we didn't really know each other.
[00:19:02] Both of these friendships or probably like all of my, like, like, let's just like pause and say all of my really true friendships are stemmed from being vulnerable.
[00:19:20] From being vulnerable.
[00:19:22] And like, it's so uncomfortable and it's so hard.
[00:19:29] And when we are vulnerable with each other and show up as ourselves, then we can be loved truly.
[00:19:40] I feel like I'm like on. On a Sunday mission, but that's what I want.
[00:19:48] Like, how do you develop deep, meaningful connections?
[00:19:55] It's by being vulnerable, period.
[00:20:01] And you know what? If the other person can't meet you where you are, then they're not your person.
[00:20:07] And I feel like that was kind of my thing with J, Man. Like, neither of us were truly vulnerable and neither of us were willing to, like, really dive in there.
[00:20:24] But like, my friendships that have evolved, They were pretty surface on the beginning and now these are my people, these are my humans that I would do anything for.
[00:20:47] So I don't know, I. I feel like I'm rambling, but I feel like it all ties back together.
[00:20:54] Like, I want to show up like that and I can't show up vulnerable and I can't show up at my true self. And I can't be my true self if I'm hosting a podcast about shit ass Ben because that muddies the water.
[00:21:17] Because they win.
[00:21:20] And it's funny and it's gross.
[00:21:23] But at the end of the day, that's what I'M surrounding myself with, and I don't want that. I want to surround myself with the vulnerable people, the people that show up for how they want to be seen, that love me for me, and the rest doesn't fucking matter. And, like, so what? Like, I'm, like, worried. Like, what if I have this, like, boring relationship?
[00:21:53] What if I. Like, you guys have heard my stories. What if I have a boring relationship? One that is safe?
[00:22:00] We make dinner together, we go on trips together, have fun, have good sex. But, like, we're not. Like, there's nothing crazy. We're just into each other.
[00:22:15] Isn't that the dream?
[00:22:18] Like, I think I've been, like, aspiring to something that actually doesn't fulfill me.
[00:22:30] So.
[00:22:37] Thank you guys for being such amazing people and listening to my stories and cheering me on and wanting me to find that.
[00:22:51] And I want that for all of us. Like, I want the deep, meaningful relationships, whether they're romantic or friendships.
[00:23:03] Like, we all deserve that, and we all deserve to be loved and seen for who we are.
[00:23:11] So go find that and get rid of the rest of the clutter. Get rid of the thoughts that don't serve us.
[00:23:25] Oh, my God. So, yeah, Why am I emotional? Like, I. I am. I am doing what I set out to do. So I just am insanely grateful for everyone who has listened and loved me and shown up. So until next time, if there's a next time, thank you all.
